I feel like I’ve become my parent’s employee.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PP from above. I should clarify the "aging isn't a surprise" comment. Your parent knew they were going to become infirm. It was their choice not to prepare. That does not mean their lack of preparation then becomes your burden.

The problem with that is that the problems will be worse if she doesn’t try to handle things. Doing some work now will save her work on the future.

I went through several years of hell over this, op. Now that the real estate sales are done and the estate planning is in place, my life is better. I am sorry you are dealing with this. I will caution you that getting your sibling involved may not lessen your workload. I still do all the work but my siblings actually create more work by expressing opinions while doing none of the work.

But why? Why is this OP’s work that will be more difficult in the future? Why should OP care if her mother didn’t care enough to deal with all this stuff, and her sibling doesn’t care? I’m curious if OP’s sibling is male and that’s why it’s tolerated to this point the sibling has been uninvolved.

[Anonymous]

I know they need a lot of help, and you might not be able to provide it...but your question is idle worded to je.

When my child was little I was at her beck and call, around the clock.. I was stressed, tired and overwhelmed sometimes...but I never felt like I was working for her.

Do you feel love? A duty to care for those who cared for you?

They may indeed need more than you can give, but I agree that therapy or family mediation should be considered to help you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know they need a lot of help, and you might not be able to provide it...but your question is idle worded to je.

When my child was little I was at her beck and call, around the clock.. I was stressed, tired and overwhelmed sometimes...but I never felt like I was working for her.

Do you feel love? A duty to care for those who cared for you?

They may indeed need more than you can give, but I agree that therapy or family mediation should be considered to help you.

I find this post tone deaf. You chose to have children and have an obligation, but also the instincts and desire to give round the clock care when they are infants. You were not born to be an elderly parent's round the clock caregiver and only a narcissist has children expecting payback. This is the type of bullshit used to make women, it's always women, do themselves in caring for an ungrateful elder. I think people are also flippant with suggestions like "mediation." Good luck getting someone to comply.

[Anonymous]

NP. I think there are more people who don't plan than who take charge of their aging process. Neither of my parents planned. Kids did everything. My ILs did a better job but still needed a lot of help. I think it's human not to want to think of your own demise. My point is that OP's parent is not unusual.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know they need a lot of help, and you might not be able to provide it...but your question is idle worded to je.

When my child was little I was at her beck and call, around the clock.. I was stressed, tired and overwhelmed sometimes...but I never felt like I was working for her.

Do you feel love? A duty to care for those who cared for you?

They may indeed need more than you can give, but I agree that therapy or family mediation should be considered to help you.

I find this post tone deaf. You chose to have children and have an obligation, but also the instincts and desire to give round the clock care when they are infants. You were not born to be an elderly parent's round the clock caregiver and only a narcissist has children expecting payback. This is the type of bullshit used to make women, it's always women, do themselves in caring for an ungrateful elder. I think people are also flippant with suggestions like "mediation." Good luck getting someone to comply.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know they need a lot of help, and you might not be able to provide it...but your question is idle worded to je.

When my child was little I was at her beck and call, around the clock.. I was stressed, tired and overwhelmed sometimes...but I never felt like I was working for her.

Do you feel love? A duty to care for those who cared for you?

They may indeed need more than you can give, but I agree that therapy or family mediation should be considered to help you.

I find this post tone deaf. You chose to have children and have an obligation, but also the instincts and desire to give round the clock care when they are infants. You were not born to be an elderly parent's round the clock caregiver and only a narcissist has children expecting payback. This is the type of bullshit used to make women, it's always women, do themselves in caring for an ungrateful elder. I think people are also flippant with suggestions like "mediation." Good luck getting someone to comply.

Completely agree that the PP is tone deaf. Parents choose to have children. Parents also need to make it easier on those children to deal with all that has to be dealt with when they age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. I think there are more people who don't plan than who take charge of their aging process. Neither of my parents planned. Kids did everything. My ILs did a better job but still needed a lot of help. I think it's human not to want to think of your own demise. My point is that OP's parent is not unusual.

I agree with this, and I hope those of us stuck with handling everything for our elderly parents will prepare better to spare our own children his particular slice of hell.

[Anonymous]

Yup, exactly. I’m in the same situation. There is plenty of money but they’d rather hold it over my head than pay for what they need.

[Anonymous]

When someone becomes a parent, do they become their child’s employee? They have to keep track of their appointments, pay their bills, Feed them, dress them.......

It is part of the aging process. First parents take care of you. You launch, you and they age. They need help and the children take care of their parents.

You can obviously hire out the more mundane stuff, but thinking of it as being an employee struck me as odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone becomes a parent, do they become their child’s employee? They have to keep track of their appointments, pay their bills, Feed them, dress them.......

It is part of the aging process. First parents take care of you. You launch, you and they age. They need help and the children take care of their parents.

You can obviously hire out the more mundane stuff, but thinking of it as being an employee struck me as odd.

There is a lot missing from your musings. There are many shades of gray in the spectrum you are describing. There is a wide range of people on this forum who have parents with plenty of cash and then those whose parents are destitute. You have people whose parents were attentive and loving and then those whose parents were abusive to them as children. You have people that are double income no kids and others who have drained their own savings taking care of a special needs child. And so on, and so on. A person whose parents were abusive and are now destitute are likely going to feel differently about eldercare than people who had loving parents that wisely saved for their retirement. Or, a person that has plenty of money and time on their hands will likely feel differently about being at their aging parents beck and call versus a person working full-time with small children. So, your point seems lacking in reflection on the many facets of eldercare that once can face.

I will also disagree that it is an adult child's role to provide eldercare. I don't feel this way about my own children, and I work my booty off to make sure they have a wonderful life and are set up to be functional, healthy adults. I do think it's reasonable to help your parents, but not reasonable to assume they'd be living in your home and you'll be dressing them if they were horrible parents or refused to save for their own retirement. There is an element of personal responsibility at play here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone becomes a parent, do they become their child’s employee? They have to keep track of their appointments, pay their bills, Feed them, dress them.......

It is part of the aging process. First parents take care of you. You launch, you and they age. They need help and the children take care of their parents.

You can obviously hire out the more mundane stuff, but thinking of it as being an employee struck me as odd.

You left out something. This is the type of BS fed to women to make women do everything. You did not chose to be born and you are not born to be someone's servant later on. You chose to have children or to at least take the risks that can create them. That is different.

A responsible adult plans for their retirement. Period. You plan for your care and hope your loved ones support you and visit and check on things. Only a self absorbed nut expects people to clean up or their financial messes and their cluttered homes and fight with them to get the care they need. It's usually the people who did the minimum for their own parents who have no clue and expect others to drop everything to care for them. I find people who actually did the work do not want to ever put their own children through what they went through and they move to places where they can get the care they need so they can simply enjoy their children and not do in their physical and mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parent is becoming increasingly feeble and incapable of handling the minutia of everyday life - paying bills, keeping track of appointments, etc. On top of that, my parent has ignored matters that should have been dealt with years ago. Things like cleaning out and selling real estate hours away from my home, making sure that estate planning is adequate, etc. So, not only am I trying to make sure health matters are addressed, there’s all this other “stuff” that’s fallen in my lap to deal with. Unfortunately, there isn’t much money to hire help. I have a sibling who could help, but sibling is a workaholic and has been “too busy” for the past decade to help take care of these matters. I’m on my own and it stinks.

You're using the passive voice here, as if you are the victim of free-falling tasks. Every single thing you do, is your choice. You do not have to do anything. You can stop tomorrow. Figure out what you WANT to do, and notify your family that that's what you'll generously be taking over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When someone becomes a parent, do they become their child’s employee? They have to keep track of their appointments, pay their bills, Feed them, dress them.......

It is part of the aging process. First parents take care of you. You launch, you and they age. They need help and the children take care of their parents.

You can obviously hire out the more mundane stuff, but thinking of it as being an employee struck me as odd.

You left out something. This is the type of BS fed to women to make women do everything. You did not chose to be born and you are not born to be someone's servant later on. You chose to have children or to at least take the risks that can create them. That is different.

A responsible adult plans for their retirement. Period. You plan for your care and hope your loved ones support you and visit and check on things. Only a self absorbed nut expects people to clean up or their financial messes and their cluttered homes and fight with them to get the care they need. It's usually the people who did the minimum for their own parents who have no clue and expect others to drop everything to care for them. I find people who actually did the work do not want to ever put their own children through what they went through and they move to places where they can get the care they need so they can simply enjoy their children and not do in their physical and mental health.

+1000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parent is becoming increasingly feeble and incapable of handling the minutia of everyday life - paying bills, keeping track of appointments, etc. On top of that, my parent has ignored matters that should have been dealt with years ago. Things like cleaning out and selling real estate hours away from my home, making sure that estate planning is adequate, etc. So, not only am I trying to make sure health matters are addressed, there’s all this other “stuff” that’s fallen in my lap to deal with. Unfortunately, there isn’t much money to hire help. I have a sibling who could help, but sibling is a workaholic and has been “too busy” for the past decade to help take care of these matters. I’m on my own and it stinks.

You're using the passive voice here, as if you are the victim of free-falling tasks. Every single thing you do, is your choice. You do not have to do anything. You can stop tomorrow. Figure out what you WANT to do, and notify your family that that's what you'll generously be taking over.

+1000

You have agency, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:When someone becomes a parent, do they become their child’s employee? They have to keep track of their appointments, pay their bills, Feed them, dress them.......

It is part of the aging process. First parents take care of you. You launch, you and they age. They need help and the children take care of their parents.

You can obviously hire out the more mundane stuff, but thinking of it as being an employee struck me as odd.

Totally agree. Families love reciprocally.

It is the circle of life.

Assuming your parents were loving and devoted....of course you have a duty to take care of them (or ensure good care), when they are feeble.