Hey guys how much help around the house are you??

[Anonymous]

i started this thread with the question. thank you everybody. all the comments are appreciated. this topic was not something I would normally discuss with my friends/peers/colleagues or generally with people I know. this anonymous forum is like a real eye opener for me.

I felt like i am doing so much around the house but what I was doing was comparing our family roles to my childhood household which was very traditional/old school dad works out of house and mom took care of everything inside house. different generation. different time. I thought I was with the times but it seems what i really am is just a little improvement over my out dated family dynamics of a generation ago.

what I learned from your comments is that DW does a tremendous amount that I took for granted. yes the things I do are really just the low hanging fruit stuff. i haven't really put much of a dent into the daily grind that envelopes her day, every day. I need to do better.

i remember a different time, living in small townhouse, newly married, no kids there wasn't really much to do!! but now we are with kids, live in a big house, have so much going on. it is just so much more. my contribution to the house hasn't changed much since those early days even though the work has gone up exponentially.

the other thing I learned (which I knew I did bad but you guys drove the point home) is that I should not have criticized her for the bathroom. we both are usually neat freaks and it bothered me but I was rude for no reason. I should have just cleaned it up myself.

[Anonymous]

OP, another DH here.

If you do no cleaning, cooking, or laundry, you are not doing enough. Period.

Wash your own clothes, at least.
Clean a bathroom or sweep a floor every now and then.
Cook a meal - even something simple like pasta - at least once a week to give your wife a break.

It's not hard, it's not a huge time commitment, and it is what you should be doing if you are a grown man.

[Anonymous]

Hey OP. I am not going to analyze your family dynamics based on a few one-sided DCUM posts. It was definitely a mistake to approach your wife aggressively on that one mess instead of asking her if she was overwhelmed and if you needed to pitch in more somewhere. And it sounds like you are genuinely interested in your wife's wellbeing so good for you. I think you guys will be just fine. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i started this thread with the question. thank you everybody. all the comments are appreciated. this topic was not something I would normally discuss with my friends/peers/colleagues or generally with people I know. this anonymous forum is like a real eye opener for me.

I felt like i am doing so much around the house but what I was doing was comparing our family roles to my childhood household which was very traditional/old school dad works out of house and mom took care of everything inside house. different generation. different time. I thought I was with the times but it seems what i really am is just a little improvement over my out dated family dynamics of a generation ago.

what I learned from your comments is that DW does a tremendous amount that I took for granted. yes the things I do are really just the low hanging fruit stuff. i haven't really put much of a dent into the daily grind that envelopes her day, every day. I need to do better.

i remember a different time, living in small townhouse, newly married, no kids there wasn't really much to do!! but now we are with kids, live in a big house, have so much going on. it is just so much more. my contribution to the house hasn't changed much since those early days even though the work has gone up exponentially.

the other thing I learned (which I knew I did bad but you guys drove the point home) is that I should not have criticized her for the bathroom. we both are usually neat freaks and it bothered me but I was rude for no reason. I should have just cleaned it up myself.

It is great that you have recognized this. If you grew up in a family with those traditional roles you may think that since you are doing more than your dad, that you are doing a lot. But, if your DW needs more, then even what you *are* doing does not meet her need. It can create a dynamic where you feel what you're doing is unappreciated but she still feels resentful because her need for help is not met. Since this type of partnership has not been modeled by your parents growing up, you will have to do more work to create the partnership your DW seems to want/expect.

The first step is trying to see her perspective and I think you have done that here. Work from that and make concrete suggestions for how you can do more substantive things.

[Anonymous]

I just want to chime in that taking some of the cooking means cleaning up as well. If you don’t want to clean up, your contribution can be takeout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dear wives. If you don't want the labor of tidying up after kids then don't have kids. Why always push for kids and then complain about not getting enough help taking care of the thing you wanted.

I didn't want kids which we agreed on, then 5 years later DH wanted them and said he would divorce me if I didn't have kids. We almost divorced over it but I ended up having 2, and while I love them, DH is not much help and it sucks. Thank God I got my tubes tied during my c section with my second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you handle of the mental load of your household? Do you know if you need more paper towels? When is the last time you changed the sheets or towels? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear or what size clothes, and do you know if they have a winter jacket that fits them for this upcoming winter season? Any bday parties coming up? If yes, when and what present is being purchased? What about the holidays - where are you going, what dishes are you bringing, and if you are going to your family's home, is your family organizing this with your wife or with you? When it comes time for the holiday season, do you know what you all are getting your kids for presents? Are you low on bath soap for the kids? Could you dial the kids' pediatrician if you needed to?

This is the crap that is endless, takes time to manage, and is often what the husband does not do. And while you are doing a lot, if you are not aware of any of the above items that I mentioned, you are not equally managing the household and should find a way to fill the gap.

If he is the breadwinner and she is a SAHM, she should do all that crap. It’s her job. The idea that he should work all day then come home and do an equal share of managing the household is insane.

I guarantee you that if she worked full-time out of the home, he still wouldn't know the answers to the above questions.

But she doesn't. So your response is irrelevant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t comment on the housekeeping unless you’re the housekeeper. If something dirty is bothering you enough to comment, it’s probably bothering you enough to clean it yourself (or hire a maid). She doesn’t come into your office and criticize your work.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issue is that you had the nerve to complain or even be rude about the kids’ dirty bathroom. A bathroom, especially a kids’ bathroom, doesn’t stay clean for very long. I clean (wipe surfaces, clean toilet, tidy and put things away, clean floor) our bathrooms on an almost daily basis bc that’s how often it’s needed. So not only were you wrong to say anything about it, but she probably felt like you don’t notice or appreciate how often she does clean and tidy it. It’s possible she had just cleaned it earlier that same day and then you come along and complain about it being a mess a few hours later. That’s pretty inconsiderate and shows that you likely don’t notice or appreciate many other things she does around the house either.

Next time, do it yourself and then tell her how much you appreciate all that she does around the house bc it’s a lot of work.

This. So much this.

My husband used to do this, and it made me feel so anxious all of the time. I would never know what thing he was going to be upset and yell at me about. It seemed perfectly reasonable to him. In his mind, this was rare and about relatively few things. In my mind, anything could set him off. If the clothes hadn't been changed for the season before the weather changes, or we ran out of toilet paper and it wasn't changed, or a child had a runny nose and the pillow case wasn't changed, he might ignore it, or he might be really upset about it. He also didn't like it if we all had to spend some time cleaning as a family. I am sure that some women are amazing housekeepers, but I was never able to keep up with all of it.

It always make me laugh when women talk about how stressed they are managing the house, and the responses are that their standards are too high. These are not MY standards!!!


In my husband's case, he grew up in a blue collar household. His father was an alcoholic. He knew that his house was chaotic. I think that his idea of what a "normal" UMC household should look like came from watching television. He really thought that I would cook a huge full hot breakfast every morning, and the family would gather together before the kids went to school (he wouldn't be there, of course, because he was at work). And then the house would remain spotless and in perfect repair without any real effort from anyone in the family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i started this thread with the question. thank you everybody. all the comments are appreciated. this topic was not something I would normally discuss with my friends/peers/colleagues or generally with people I know. this anonymous forum is like a real eye opener for me.

I felt like i am doing so much around the house but what I was doing was comparing our family roles to my childhood household which was very traditional/old school dad works out of house and mom took care of everything inside house. different generation. different time. I thought I was with the times but it seems what i really am is just a little improvement over my out dated family dynamics of a generation ago.

what I learned from your comments is that DW does a tremendous amount that I took for granted. yes the things I do are really just the low hanging fruit stuff. i haven't really put much of a dent into the daily grind that envelopes her day, every day. I need to do better.

i remember a different time, living in small townhouse, newly married, no kids there wasn't really much to do!! but now we are with kids, live in a big house, have so much going on. it is just so much more. my contribution to the house hasn't changed much since those early days even though the work has gone up exponentially.

the other thing I learned (which I knew I did bad but you guys drove the point home) is that I should not have criticized her for the bathroom. we both are usually neat freaks and it bothered me but I was rude for no reason. I should have just cleaned it up myself.

Would your father really have yelled at your mother if the kids' bathroom was dirty? He would have yelled at the kids and told them that it wasn't their mother's job.
That's what you should have done, OP.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP. You watch your own kids? What a hero

You are definitely a total slacker by your own description. And a loudmouth to boot.