Hey guys how much help around the house are you??

[Anonymous]

Guy here. Husband. I want to know if I am being a good husband when it comes to house hold chores. So: married a decade, two young kids, I’m primary earner $250k and we are happy with that. If she work full time could be another 100-150k but we are happy on my income don’t spend a lot and save decent amount. I work 80% from home (pre pandemic) and spend a lot of time at my desk

I do not clean, cook or laundry. I do vacuum most of the house (big house), do almost all of yard work (2 acres), take care of cars, I’m not much of handyman but I get pros to do anything I cannot.

I spend a fair amount of time watching kids. help with about half the homework, and do all sports and afterschool stuff for son swim class and baseball about 3 times a week. daughter too young.. wants to only be with mom.

Occasionally do grocery although when pandemic started I did all grocery as I didn’t want her exposed. Now I do the ‘big one’ every week or two and she does the short quick trips.

I’ve told her several times to get maid help if needed but she hasn’t. But I feel like she expects me to do more! Yes she spends a LOT of time cooking cleaning taking care of kids and maybe I don’t spend that much time ‘working’ since I WFM it probably seems like I’m just goofing off being lazy etc. but I do work and make money. I feel her frustration. But if I am not working at my desk we don’t get $$$. She complains she has to take care of everything and I am sitting with my legs up on the desk for hours a day.

I’m punished for having a cushy job that I don’t need to put lot of time or effort into 6-8hr/day and I get my work done.

[Anonymous]

Me again. So what prompted my post we had a huge arguement. I casually mentioned kids bathroom is very messy. Ok maybe I was rude but she went ballistic off my rude comment. I apologized but she is still pissed!

[Anonymous]

Don’t comment on the housekeeping unless you’re the housekeeper. If something dirty is bothering you enough to comment, it’s probably bothering you enough to clean it yourself (or hire a maid). She doesn’t come into your office and criticize your work.

[Anonymous]

My husband has folded laundry, changed diapers, and cooked while on conference calls.

Our stance is that we BOTH just keep doing whatever needs being done until everything is done for the day. There's no "that's your job" or "I don't do that" in our house.

[Anonymous]

Guy here - in addition to what you do I do my own laundry, clean most of the dishes, I’m always straightening things up and help with bath and bed time. She does the majority of the work but she doesn’t give me grief. I’ve been working from home for 7 months and I’ve tried to pick up some of the school stuff. I’m pretty good at taking care of her physical needs and that seems to really help.

[Anonymous]

My DH has two weeks on two weeks off so he does all the distance learning during his off weeks as well as all homework with our son (also we take turns with bedtime). I work 100% out of the home. We split laundry 50/50 but he is the one who folds it. I do meal planning and most grocery shopping aside from quick trips he does. We split cleaning and take turns with dishes. He does all yard work, most dog duties, and all trash. He’s also super handy so there are a million little things.... I’d say you’re doing fine but I would be so mad if DH told me something was messy. If you have to comment, CLEAN IT. Or take the initiative to hire help.

[Anonymous]

This typical division of labor is unequal because the women's share is a DAILY, NEVER-ENDING share (tidying up after young kids, for example). It's not a mowed lawn or new lightbulb that can be admired for days. It's a tidied room that will get destroyed 5 minutes later, so your spouse never gives you enough credit for it, because the fruit of your labors are transient. The meal is eaten, the dishes are dirtied again, the bathroom gets messy again: instead of noticing when it's clean, husbands notice when it's messy!

And hiring cleaners doesn't help you when the problem is TIDYING UP, because cleaners can only clean a house where stuff is picked up and put away. And who does that? Often, it's only the woman of the house. I could clean my house effortlessly if all my family pitched in to pick up after themselves! But they don't, unless I nag them.

I had to explain this to my husband, many, many times. He's so proud of his occasional DIY projects and yard work. Yeah, I'd like to see him tackle the daily tasks, especially the tidying up.

[Anonymous]

You are not doing enough.
You are listing in one breath the huge unfun things she's doing day in day out, and then giving details on things that come up sometimes. Cars, yard work, 2 grocery runs a month "and she does the short quick trips" occasional.

Most of what you do with the kids is the rewarding stuff, most of what you do for the household is out of the house.
Yeah, I'm with your wife, I'm resentful of you just reading your post.

[Anonymous]

Yeah. I also do most of the planning and supplementing to make sure kids actually learn anything during DL, aldo cooking is on me.

[Anonymous]

What do you handle of the mental load of your household? Do you know if you need more paper towels? When is the last time you changed the sheets or towels? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear or what size clothes, and do you know if they have a winter jacket that fits them for this upcoming winter season? Any bday parties coming up? If yes, when and what present is being purchased? What about the holidays - where are you going, what dishes are you bringing, and if you are going to your family's home, is your family organizing this with your wife or with you? When it comes time for the holiday season, do you know what you all are getting your kids for presents? Are you low on bath soap for the kids? Could you dial the kids' pediatrician if you needed to?

This is the crap that is endless, takes time to manage, and is often what the husband does not do. And while you are doing a lot, if you are not aware of any of the above items that I mentioned, you are not equally managing the household and should find a way to fill the gap.

[Anonymous]

Is this your first time on DCUM?

Do you seriously expect DCUM women to say, “yeah, you do enough, your wife is unreasonable”?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you handle of the mental load of your household? Do you know if you need more paper towels? When is the last time you changed the sheets or towels? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear or what size clothes, and do you know if they have a winter jacket that fits them for this upcoming winter season? Any bday parties coming up? If yes, when and what present is being purchased? What about the holidays - where are you going, what dishes are you bringing, and if you are going to your family's home, is your family organizing this with your wife or with you? When it comes time for the holiday season, do you know what you all are getting your kids for presents? Are you low on bath soap for the kids? Could you dial the kids' pediatrician if you needed to?

This is the crap that is endless, takes time to manage, and is often what the husband does not do. And while you are doing a lot, if you are not aware of any of the above items that I mentioned, you are not equally managing the household and should find a way to fill the gap.

If he is the breadwinner and she is a SAHM, she should do all that crap. It’s her job. The idea that he should work all day then come home and do an equal share of managing the household is insane.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you handle of the mental load of your household? Do you know if you need more paper towels? When is the last time you changed the sheets or towels? Do you know what size shoes your kids wear or what size clothes, and do you know if they have a winter jacket that fits them for this upcoming winter season? Any bday parties coming up? If yes, when and what present is being purchased? What about the holidays - where are you going, what dishes are you bringing, and if you are going to your family's home, is your family organizing this with your wife or with you? When it comes time for the holiday season, do you know what you all are getting your kids for presents? Are you low on bath soap for the kids? Could you dial the kids' pediatrician if you needed to?

This is the crap that is endless, takes time to manage, and is often what the husband does not do. And while you are doing a lot, if you are not aware of any of the above items that I mentioned, you are not equally managing the household and should find a way to fill the gap.

If he is the breadwinner and she is a SAHM, she should do all that crap. It’s her job. The idea that he should work all day then come home and do an equal share of managing the household is insane.

I guarantee you that if she worked full-time out of the home, he still wouldn't know the answers to the above questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I’m punished for having a cushy job that I don’t need to put lot of time or effort into 6-8hr/day and I get my work done.

OP, I missed your astounding whiny closing statement. Wow. I can't even.

[Anonymous]

I haven't even read your post but the title is offensive in itself "help" around the house?