Divorce after 15 years

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just filed, so I'll give you my story. Married at 22, pregnant at 35, then husband got "dream job" offer in a different city. We moved when I was 20 weeks pregnant to a city where I knew no one except his sister, who is one of the most-absorbed dolts I've ever had the misfortune of knowing. I struggled mightily, and he didn't care. I agreed to an apartment I didn't like on the grounds that "it'll only be a year," and any time I tried to bring up moving to a different space, he told me I should just be happy where I am. I suffered significant childbirth injuries, and he didn't care. I had no network as I tried to navigate motherhood and recovery from these injuries, and he didn't care. When I finally got a job, he still expected me to carry 100% of the load when it came to kid and home. For 4 years, I struggled every single day, and his only response was "too bad."

I knew I wanted a divorce, but I did not want to do it in the city we were in. And if I divorced him there, I'd be stuck until our kid was 18.

I got a job back in DC (March 2 was my first day, yeah.....). I gave it 6 months and realized, no, I do not love this person. I do not respect him. And he doesn't respect me, despite his claims. So I said "I'm done." My only regret is I didn't divorce him 10 years ago, long before the kid came along, long before I gave up everything for a move that came close to destroying me, when the thought first crossed my mind.

We have very similar stories. I feel for you. My divorce was final earlier this year. It took 2 years to finalize. I also had to wait YEARS to get to the right location. I was almost out before the kid...but then got trapped geographically. I wish you the best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just filed, so I'll give you my story. Married at 22, pregnant at 35, then husband got "dream job" offer in a different city. We moved when I was 20 weeks pregnant to a city where I knew no one except his sister, who is one of the most-absorbed dolts I've ever had the misfortune of knowing. I struggled mightily, and he didn't care. I agreed to an apartment I didn't like on the grounds that "it'll only be a year," and any time I tried to bring up moving to a different space, he told me I should just be happy where I am. I suffered significant childbirth injuries, and he didn't care. I had no network as I tried to navigate motherhood and recovery from these injuries, and he didn't care. When I finally got a job, he still expected me to carry 100% of the load when it came to kid and home. For 4 years, I struggled every single day, and his only response was "too bad."

I knew I wanted a divorce, but I did not want to do it in the city we were in. And if I divorced him there, I'd be stuck until our kid was 18.

I got a job back in DC (March 2 was my first day, yeah.....). I gave it 6 months and realized, no, I do not love this person. I do not respect him. And he doesn't respect me, despite his claims. So I said "I'm done." My only regret is I didn't divorce him 10 years ago, long before the kid came along, long before I gave up everything for a move that came close to destroying me, when the thought first crossed my mind.

We have very similar stories. I feel for you. My divorce was final earlier this year. It took 2 years to finalize. I also had to wait YEARS to get to the right location. I was almost out before the kid...but then got trapped geographically. I wish you the best.

As someone who is looking into divorce, I don't understand the geographically trapped thing. Or, I guess I understand that if your STBX gets a proportion of custody you have to stay within a certain geographical location, but then did that not happen because you got those jobs while you were still married? Did your spouse just...deal with you taking your kid to live and work in another city while still married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just filed, so I'll give you my story. Married at 22, pregnant at 35, then husband got "dream job" offer in a different city. We moved when I was 20 weeks pregnant to a city where I knew no one except his sister, who is one of the most-absorbed dolts I've ever had the misfortune of knowing. I struggled mightily, and he didn't care. I agreed to an apartment I didn't like on the grounds that "it'll only be a year," and any time I tried to bring up moving to a different space, he told me I should just be happy where I am. I suffered significant childbirth injuries, and he didn't care. I had no network as I tried to navigate motherhood and recovery from these injuries, and he didn't care. When I finally got a job, he still expected me to carry 100% of the load when it came to kid and home. For 4 years, I struggled every single day, and his only response was "too bad."

I knew I wanted a divorce, but I did not want to do it in the city we were in. And if I divorced him there, I'd be stuck until our kid was 18.

I got a job back in DC (March 2 was my first day, yeah.....). I gave it 6 months and realized, no, I do not love this person. I do not respect him. And he doesn't respect me, despite his claims. So I said "I'm done." My only regret is I didn't divorce him 10 years ago, long before the kid came along, long before I gave up everything for a move that came close to destroying me, when the thought first crossed my mind.

We have very similar stories. I feel for you. My divorce was final earlier this year. It took 2 years to finalize. I also had to wait YEARS to get to the right location. I was almost out before the kid...but then got trapped geographically. I wish you the best.

As someone who is looking into divorce, I don't understand the geographically trapped thing. Or, I guess I understand that if your STBX gets a proportion of custody you have to stay within a certain geographical location, but then did that not happen because you got those jobs while you were still married? Did your spouse just...deal with you taking your kid to live and work in another city while still married?

I'm the first PP in this string. We moved to a city I hated. HATED. My husband (STBX?) kept going back on promises about getting a job back in DC. He even turned down a job offer in DC because "it's a lateral move" without even talking to me about it. Meanwhile, I'm suffering from depression, hundreds of miles from my personal and professional communities. And I knew that if I divorced, there's no way he'd be okay with me relocating back to DC with the kid and being a holiday-and-summer parent. I would be stuck in that god forsaken city for another 15 years. If I filed in the state we were living in, he could easily ask that I not be allowed to move more than X miles away and/or not leave the state. We'd have to go through a lengthy battle and the odds were very much in his favor that he would win that.

So I played the long game. I bided my time, got my ducks in a row. I informed him I was job searching in DC and when I got a job, I would be moving back with the kid, so he better do the same. I knew that would kick him into actually job searching. He transferred within his company with remarkable ease (something he swore up and down would be so difficult to do). I managed to find a job pretty quickly, too, and so off we went back to DC, with him none the wiser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you married/got together young (early 20s) and divorced around 40, what happened in your marriage?

Recently went out with a guy who is divorced...very young kids, 1.5 and 3. They were together a good solid 12 years (maybe married that long, touch unclear on the exact timeline) before having kids. It seems like you should have a good foundation to withstand the change that comes with kids.

Definitely will be asking more details if this progresses, but just curious about other people’s circumstances.

Why can’t you ask dude about his circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Married at 22. Had kids after 8 years of marriage. We separated on our 16th year. He discovered that his married admin assistant was his soulmate. I was blindsided.

At the time I was devastated, but now I'm living my best life. My career has taken off, Im in the best shape if my life, we travel more, and it easy to find dates. I dont think I will ever marry again, Im really quite enjoying living my life, my way, without having to compromise with another adult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married at 22. Had kids after 8 years of marriage. We separated on our 16th year. He discovered that his married admin assistant was his soulmate. I was blindsided.

At the time I was devastated, but now I'm living my best life. My career has taken off, Im in the best shape if my life, we travel more, and it easy to find dates. I dont think I will ever marry again, Im really quite enjoying living my life, my way, without having to compromise with another adult.

You are lucky you were young.

It’s much different if you are 38 than 50 when spouse runs off with secretary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not a good sign that they got pregnant after separating.

Agree. Coupled with OP not being clear on the timeline of things, this seems like a hot mess of a situation. I have nothing against dating divorced dads, though my preference is those who have been divorced for years and kids are grown or near grown, to me this situation has mess written all over it.

I would proceed with extreme caution, OP and get clear answers on timeline, and take note of how his relationship with his ex is now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Married at 22. Had kids after 8 years of marriage. We separated on our 16th year. He discovered that his married admin assistant was his soulmate. I was blindsided.

At the time I was devastated, but now I'm living my best life. My career has taken off, Im in the best shape if my life, we travel more, and it easy to find dates. I dont think I will ever marry again, Im really quite enjoying living my life, my way, without having to compromise with another adult.

That’s awesome! Sincerely very happy for you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you married/got together young (early 20s) and divorced around 40, what happened in your marriage?

Recently went out with a guy who is divorced...very young kids, 1.5 and 3. They were together a good solid 12 years (maybe married that long, touch unclear on the exact timeline) before having kids. It seems like you should have a good foundation to withstand the change that comes with kids.

Definitely will be asking more details if this progresses, but just curious about other people’s circumstances.

For some kids are the ultimate relationship test and adulthood test. In a way those are both one and the same.

Basically if you don’t have your $hit together once you have kids, ALL you bad habits will be magnified and everyone will suffer because of them. Things will spiral down from there and the negatively affected spouse will either tolerate you or GTFO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I just filed, so I'll give you my story. Married at 22, pregnant at 35, then husband got "dream job" offer in a different city. We moved when I was 20 weeks pregnant to a city where I knew no one except his sister, who is one of the most-absorbed dolts I've ever had the misfortune of knowing. I struggled mightily, and he didn't care. I agreed to an apartment I didn't like on the grounds that "it'll only be a year," and any time I tried to bring up moving to a different space, he told me I should just be happy where I am. I suffered significant childbirth injuries, and he didn't care. I had no network as I tried to navigate motherhood and recovery from these injuries, and he didn't care. When I finally got a job, he still expected me to carry 100% of the load when it came to kid and home. For 4 years, I struggled every single day, and his only response was "too bad."

I knew I wanted a divorce, but I did not want to do it in the city we were in. And if I divorced him there, I'd be stuck until our kid was 18.

I got a job back in DC (March 2 was my first day, yeah.....). I gave it 6 months and realized, no, I do not love this person. I do not respect him. And he doesn't respect me, despite his claims. So I said "I'm done." My only regret is I didn't divorce him 10 years ago, long before the kid came along, long before I gave up everything for a move that came close to destroying me, when the thought first crossed my mind.

Have the kids been with you the last six mos? I assume so, and hope so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married at 22. Had kids after 8 years of marriage. We separated on our 16th year. He discovered that his married admin assistant was his soulmate. I was blindsided.

At the time I was devastated, but now I'm living my best life. My career has taken off, Im in the best shape if my life, we travel more, and it easy to find dates. I dont think I will ever marry again, Im really quite enjoying living my life, my way, without having to compromise with another adult.

You are lucky you were young.

It’s much different if you are 38 than 50 when spouse runs off with secretary.

It’s easier at 50 because kids are older and more independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Married at 22. Had kids after 8 years of marriage. We separated on our 16th year. He discovered that his married admin assistant was his soulmate. I was blindsided.

At the time I was devastated, but now I'm living my best life. My career has taken off, Im in the best shape if my life, we travel more, and it easy to find dates. I dont think I will ever marry again, Im really quite enjoying living my life, my way, without having to compromise with another adult.

You are lucky you were young.

It’s much different if you are 38 than 50 when spouse runs off with secretary.

It’s easier at 50 because kids are older and more independent.

At 50, dating is not easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just filed, so I'll give you my story. Married at 22, pregnant at 35, then husband got "dream job" offer in a different city. We moved when I was 20 weeks pregnant to a city where I knew no one except his sister, who is one of the most-absorbed dolts I've ever had the misfortune of knowing. I struggled mightily, and he didn't care. I agreed to an apartment I didn't like on the grounds that "it'll only be a year," and any time I tried to bring up moving to a different space, he told me I should just be happy where I am. I suffered significant childbirth injuries, and he didn't care. I had no network as I tried to navigate motherhood and recovery from these injuries, and he didn't care. When I finally got a job, he still expected me to carry 100% of the load when it came to kid and home. For 4 years, I struggled every single day, and his only response was "too bad."

I knew I wanted a divorce, but I did not want to do it in the city we were in. And if I divorced him there, I'd be stuck until our kid was 18.

I got a job back in DC (March 2 was my first day, yeah.....). I gave it 6 months and realized, no, I do not love this person. I do not respect him. And he doesn't respect me, despite his claims. So I said "I'm done." My only regret is I didn't divorce him 10 years ago, long before the kid came along, long before I gave up everything for a move that came close to destroying me, when the thought first crossed my mind.

Have the kids been with you the last six mos? I assume so, and hope so.

We moved as a family at the end of February. I gave myself 6 months of us all being back in DC before I made any decision about separating. I didn't want to split, because only seeing my child half the time has been brutal. But the relationship wasn't salvageable, for numerous reasons.