Nephew’s allergies and my sister

[Anonymous]

As a mom of a highly allergic kid who has been to the ER multiple times for severe allergic reactions, I think your sister needs counseling to deal with her anxiety and controlling tendencies. Your nephew isn’t going to have an allergic reaction from your kids’ ice cream (unless they share). Milk allergies, unlike nut and shellfish, are rarely life-threatening so it was extreme for her to freak out about someone eating a cheeseburger. Allergens can’t jump out of containers, so there was no risk of your food being in the pantry.

My nephew also has allergies and my sister is a little (not to the extreme) like yours. When they go to restaurants, she will tell the waiter, “My son is deathly allergic to shellfish. He could die if he gets cross contamination.” She’ll repeat multiple times to make sure they get the point. My poor nephew suffers horrible anxiety and I can’t help but wonder if hearing about how he could die every time they eat out contributes.

Your sister can’t control everything and has to teach your nephew to live safely in a world with allergens. That means he needs to know and understand that he cannot get ice cream from the ice cream parlor. However, other kids can and do. He needs to know how to administer his own epi-pen and call 911 if he accident ingests something. What she’s doing isn’t teaching him anything other than to be overly anxious and scared. Poor kid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a mom of a highly allergic kid who has been to the ER multiple times for severe allergic reactions, I think your sister needs counseling to deal with her anxiety and controlling tendencies. Your nephew isn’t going to have an allergic reaction from your kids’ ice cream (unless they share). Milk allergies, unlike nut and shellfish, are rarely life-threatening so it was extreme for her to freak out about someone eating a cheeseburger. Allergens can’t jump out of containers, so there was no risk of your food being in the pantry.

My nephew also has allergies and my sister is a little (not to the extreme) like yours. When they go to restaurants, she will tell the waiter, “My son is deathly allergic to shellfish. He could die if he gets cross contamination.” She’ll repeat multiple times to make sure they get the point. My poor nephew suffers horrible anxiety and I can’t help but wonder if hearing about how he could die every time they eat out contributes.

Your sister can’t control everything and has to teach your nephew to live safely in a world with allergens. That means he needs to know and understand that he cannot get ice cream from the ice cream parlor. However, other kids can and do. He needs to know how to administer his own epi-pen and call 911 if he accident ingests something. What she’s doing isn’t teaching him anything other than to be overly anxious and scared. Poor kid!

+1000 The actions of the parents are almost (if not more) damaging than the condition itself. Who knows - in a couple of years medical science may cure all these allergy issues. But by then the kids' mental health may be in bad shape.

[Anonymous]

As the parent of a kid with a peanut and tree nut allergy, I can tell you that she's scared of her child dying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a kid with a severe anaphylactic allergy to peanuts and tree nuts. She almost died the summer before 3rd grade because she ate candy that was cross-contaminated because it had been produced in a facility where nut products were processed. She was rushed to the hospital in an ambulance.
It's terrifying, especially as she gets older and heads out into the world without me.

You should know that sometimes Epipens don't stop the reaction, and kids die.

You don't say what the nephew's allergy is, but I assume it's dairy. If his allergy to dairy is severe enough, then ice cream or cheese residue on the hands or lips of his family indeed could be dangerous (if you eat ice cream and then kiss him, touch him, or prepare other food, he would react, potentially die). If she wasn't worried at the playground, perhaps it's because her son isn't as seriously allergic to peanut butter or nuts, or other food likely to be on the monkey bars.

I would be furious if my family disregarded my daughter's safety by eating her allergen around her and making a big deal about my request for safety precautions. From my perspective, you (as family) did not do enough to find out about the severity of his allergies or how you could ensure his safety. If you are sharing a house and vacationing with them, you needed to have a conversation about this. If this means you go get ice cream without them, then wash your hands thoroughly and brush your teeth before having contact with your nephew, this is what you needed to do - not come on here and grouse about how she's mental because she wanted to make sure her son didn't accidentally die on vacation.

Here’s the thing. Your kid is going to go to school where someone is eating something she’s allergic to. She’s going to go into restaurants where the person eating at the table before her and next to her ate something she’s allergic to. As a teen, she’s going to go out in groups. She’ll go to parties, go on dates, go to business dinners, sit in a airplane, etc. where there are allergens. She can’t avoid this. The chances of having a severe allergic reaction without actually ingesting the allergen is minuscule. You do not need someone to brush their teeth after eating ice cream unless you’ll be kissing them. When you go overboard with demands for other people, you lose credibility and they start taking you less serious. You will never be able to control the world- the best thing you can do is teach your daughter to safely live in it. That includes recognizing the difference between a real, possible threat and a remote one.

I assure you, my kid is as allergic (possibly more!) as yours.

[Anonymous]

My sister died several years ago and before I had children of my own, thus we were never able to take the combined family trips like you describe. One of her children has some mild allergies/food intolerance. I'd give anything to vacation with them and I'd bend over backwards to be accomodating. Life is too short, enjoy eachother while you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As the parent of a kid with a peanut and tree nut allergy, I can tell you that she's scared of her child dying.

Of course she is. But she shouldn’t be teaching her son to live in constant fear, especially where the chance of danger (allergens getting through containers, other people eating a cheeseburger) is incredibly remote.

[Anonymous]

The chances of having a severe allergic reaction without actually ingesting the allergen is minuscule.

There are multiple cases in which teenagers have died after kissing a boyfriend or girlfriend who had eaten peanut butter earlier in the day. Here is a list of recent food allergy related deaths:
https://nonutsmomsgroup.weebly.com/blog/remembering-those-we-have-lost-to-food-allergies

I have no idea if a dairy allergy is the same. Do you? Are you an allergist specializing in food allergies? Do you know the medical history of the OP's nephew? If it were you, would you be willing to bet your kid's life on it just so people could enjoy their cheese or ice cream?

Yes, it's important not to freak out an allergic child by telling him or her, "You're going to die." But you also can't minimize it because you are afraid to acknowledge the potential danger or inconvenience other people. A college student died because he ate his allergen and went to deal with the anaphylaxis in private - he didn't want to inconvenience his friends, and he died. People on planes have booed children because the airline made a no nut announcement, and people can't deal with being inconvenienced by not being able to eat peanuts or nuts during a two-hour flight. Do you think that is okay? Have we as a society really come to a point where a person's convenience is more important than a child's life?

So many times I see parents telling themselves that it's not that bad, the allergy is not severe enough to cause anaphylaxis. Guess what? Before my daughter almost died from anaphylaxis, we thought her peanut and tree nut allergy was "mild." Her reaction took us completely by surprise.

The fact is that none of you know how allergic the OP's nephew is, or even what his allergies are, because she never bothered to ask her brother what her family could do to help or keep the nephew safe. Maybe OP's SIL does need treatment for anxiety--many food allergy parents do--but it doesn't change the fact that OP was a jerk.

[Anonymous]

The discrepancy you noted is key. Next time ask her about that playground thing.

I have a child with an anaphylactic peanut allergy who needs to carry an Epipen, but it’s not the worst type of anaphylaxis, where even traces in the air can provoke deadly swelling. It’s ingestion anaphylaxis.

The fact she allowed her child to use playground equipment but had a fit about family food tells me she is controlling and anxious and needs a reset.

[Anonymous]

My kids and I have a ton of allergies. We have epi pens and benadryl every where. To a point a person with allergies has to adjust. You dont relax but my allergies are just that. I teach my kids what they are allergic to. I teach them not to kiss and hold hands with people. My allergies cause pretty severe hives. I think allergies bring out narcissistic behavior in people. My goal I'd my children will be cautious but realize the world cant revolve around them.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the OP would be more tolerant of her sister if the sister were consistent with her insistence that everything everywhere be sanitized. I had a neighbor who sounds like the sister- a lot of her ever the top requests were really just attention grabbing situations. Her kid had a "deathly allergy" sometimes when it was convenient for her and people were watching. I think she was actually ultimately diagnosed with Munchausen's. OP how allergic is the kid really?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how to post this without sounding like a completely condescending asshole, but hear me out.

Because I can’t relate firsthand, I don’t know if this is typical or if it’s extreme anxiety. My school aged nephew is allergic to pretty much everything. He’s basically the boy from My Girl but with the modern convenience of readily available epinephrine. I’m NOT trying to minimize this, please don’t misconstrue, but I am worried about my sister as he gets older, because you’d think she would relax a little?

It seems the older he gets, the more obsessed she becomes. We took a little long weekend this summer with them to a rental, and I’m not kidding when I say every thing we did revolves around my nephew and his safety. Our kids weren’t allowed to get ice cream on the boardwalk because it may have been contaminated and could remain on their lips. Food couldn’t be placed in the pantry because someone may have had PB in there previously. When we ate at a burger joint, she was really upset we all didn’t omit cheese, because traces could linger on our fingers and we may touch something he might put in his mouth.

But it’s weird because she didn’t worry at the little playground where people were openly picnicking, that a kid could have eaten a PBJ and not washed his hands before touching the same monkey bars my nephew was. Does that make sense?

Is this normal or is this something I should talk to my BIL about? He sees it but acts like it’s normal. And maybe it is normal. If it is, by all means put me in my place!

I think you should ask why there is a discrepancy and say so we can better support you as a family. Does he have both dairy and PB allergies- its unclear from your post. Do you know all of the items he is allergic to? Im coming from the perspective of someone who has a kid with dairy intolerance and FPIES to avocado. Most people dont even know what FPIES is. The failing of your sister, IMO, is to educate you but maybe she has and you just dont understand?

It is anxiety producing. People who dont have allergies to food have NO idea what it is like to know your kid could die. I cant even imagine a peanut allergy, especially one that could cause anaphylaxis from contact, not to mention, inhalation. Yes she has anxiety but you may need to have a bit more empathy.

[Anonymous]

I would never vacation with my sister if it was like this. It sounds like the opposite of vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know how to post this without sounding like a completely condescending asshole, but hear me out.

Because I can’t relate firsthand, I don’t know if this is typical or if it’s extreme anxiety. My school aged nephew is allergic to pretty much everything. He’s basically the boy from My Girl but with the modern convenience of readily available epinephrine. I’m NOT trying to minimize this, please don’t misconstrue, but I am worried about my sister as he gets older, because you’d think she would relax a little?

It seems the older he gets, the more obsessed she becomes. We took a little long weekend this summer with them to a rental, and I’m not kidding when I say every thing we did revolves around my nephew and his safety. Our kids weren’t allowed to get ice cream on the boardwalk because it may have been contaminated and could remain on their lips. Food couldn’t be placed in the pantry because someone may have had PB in there previously. When we ate at a burger joint, she was really upset we all didn’t omit cheese, because traces could linger on our fingers and we may touch something he might put in his mouth.

But it’s weird because she didn’t worry at the little playground where people were openly picnicking, that a kid could have eaten a PBJ and not washed his hands before touching the same monkey bars my nephew was. Does that make sense?

Is this normal or is this something I should talk to my BIL about? He sees it but acts like it’s normal. And maybe it is normal. If it is, by all means put me in my place!

I think you should ask why there is a discrepancy and say so we can better support you as a family. Does he have both dairy and PB allergies- its unclear from your post. Do you know all of the items he is allergic to? Im coming from the perspective of someone who has a kid with dairy intolerance and FPIES to avocado. Most people dont even know what FPIES is. The failing of your sister, IMO, is to educate you but maybe she has and you just dont understand?

It is anxiety producing. People who dont have allergies to food have NO idea what it is like to know your kid could die. I cant even imagine a peanut allergy, especially one that could cause anaphylaxis from contact, not to mention, inhalation. Yes she has anxiety but you may need to have a bit more empathy.

Well said. My kid has peanut and treenut allergies. Are you sure, OP, that you're not dismissing or downplaying her son's allergies? My parents used to be like that, and still are to some extent. "Oh, it's ok to give him this cookie. If it has nuts in it, he'll know." "A little taste won't hurt him." We don't live our life in a bubble and we probably take more risks than many allergy families do, but I also understand my parents don't have to live their life with the level of vigilance that we do. Did you offer to wash your hands after you ate the cheeseburger? I have friends whose dairy-allergic young twins went into anaphylaxis from sitting in a shopping cart and clearly touching the cart handle. Can you imagine having to epi-pen your twin toddlers at a Costco?? Epinephrine is not a guarantee someone will survive anaphylaxis, unfortunately.

Maybe ask your sister to explain to you the risks she is comfortable taking and ask about the discrepancy of playgrounds vs. not allowing others to eat ice cream around him, etc. I will say that it can be very hard for a kid to watch everyone enjoy something they're not able to, even if it's for their own safety. Be a little considerate of that. I would never take my family to an ice cream shop and tell everyone but him to get something to eat. I would make sure first that there was something for everyone and yes, would pass up something in order to make sure my kid isn't the odd man out. But this is my own child and his sister is on board with it too; I'd like to think I'd do the same for any child, not just my own.

Btw, the risks for fatalities increase as kids get to be tweens, teens, and young adults because they don't carry their epi-pens with them or they take stupid chances with eating.

[Anonymous]

What her child is allergic to should in no way impact what your children are allowed to eat, especially in a restaurant. I would have ordered my kids the ice cream and the cheeseburger.

[Anonymous]

Hi Op, I can totally understand why this was really hard, and even a little upsetting. The only thing I wanted to add to others is that I think what would be really helpful is to engage with your sister to better understand your nephews limitations, his allergies, and her fears. Really listen, talk with her, try to understand the different variables that she is managing and show her that you care and you take it SERIOUSLY. When I am anxious about a safety thing, I find that I feel if others aren't taking it seriously I ramp up in a way - I feel like I need to convince them "this is serious!" and it makes me more anxious, more controlling and doesn't really help the situation.

I'm not saying this reaction i have is right, but I wonder if it's part of what's going on. If you all didn't discuss before the vacation "hey can we talk about what works for nephew, what do we need to think about and take into consideration? It's so important to us that we keep him safe and all have a good time together" and walk through all of the things they do as a family to keep him safe, what you CAN do/eat that works for them, and if some things feel extreme like cheese on a burger, ask her to help you understand that. If you didn't have this conversation, then she was feeling like she was playing defense all vacation. And let me say - that sucks! believe me she was not having fun doing that. No one likes to squash on people's fun.

I think you could use this as an opportunity to build your relationship and also teach your own kids empathy. for example, if you knew before going in that your nephew has been advised not to be around others eating dairy products, and that is what keeps him safe, you could prep your children for that before the vacation. "Hey - it's really important that when we're with nephew we avoid dairy - that means cheese, milk blah blah. I know that can be hard and you might forget sometimes, so I'll remind you, but it's especially hard for nephew. And it will only be a few days for us. We want to make it easier on him, we love him and having allergies is hard! Let's think of ideas of all the things we can eat when we're with him" And come up with other fun vacation ideas that are less revolved around food. Come up with alternatives to eating ice cream out. Yes that is a bummer, but there are lots of fun non-food related activities you could do instead of making her have to be the negative nancy asking others not to do that.

Try to figure out how to do this in a way that teaches your kids and shows your family that you look out for others, that sometimes the needs of one person in the group do outweight the wants of the others in the group and that's okay. We can all work together to find ways to have fun together that keep everyone safe.