Reply to Nephew’s allergies and my sister

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[quote=Anonymous]Hi Op, I can totally understand why this was really hard, and even a little upsetting. The only thing I wanted to add to others is that I think what would be really helpful is to engage with your sister to better understand your nephews limitations, his allergies, and her fears. Really listen, talk with her, try to understand the different variables that she is managing and show her that you care and you take it SERIOUSLY. When I am anxious about a safety thing, I find that I feel if others aren't taking it seriously I ramp up in a way - I feel like I need to convince them "this is serious!" and it makes me more anxious, more controlling and doesn't really help the situation.

I'm not saying this reaction i have is right, but I wonder if it's part of what's going on. If you all didn't discuss before the vacation "hey can we talk about what works for nephew, what do we need to think about and take into consideration? It's so important to us that we keep him safe and all have a good time together" and walk through all of the things they do as a family to keep him safe, what you CAN do/eat that works for them, and if some things feel extreme like cheese on a burger, ask her to help you understand that. If you didn't have this conversation, then she was feeling like she was playing defense all vacation. And let me say - that sucks! believe me she was not having fun doing that. No one likes to squash on people's fun.

I think you could use this as an opportunity to build your relationship and also teach your own kids empathy. for example, if you knew before going in that your nephew has been advised not to be around others eating dairy products, and that is what keeps him safe, you could prep your children for that before the vacation. "Hey - it's really important that when we're with nephew we avoid dairy - that means cheese, milk blah blah. I know that can be hard and you might forget sometimes, so I'll remind you, but it's especially hard for nephew. And it will only be a few days for us. We want to make it easier on him, we love him and having allergies is hard! Let's think of ideas of all the things we can eat when we're with him" And come up with other fun vacation ideas that are less revolved around food. Come up with alternatives to eating ice cream out. Yes that is a bummer, but there are lots of fun non-food related activities you could do instead of making her have to be the negative nancy asking others not to do that.

Try to figure out how to do this in a way that teaches your kids and shows your family that you look out for others, that sometimes the needs of one person in the group do outweight the wants of the others in the group and that's okay. We can all work together to find ways to have fun together that keep everyone safe.[/quote]

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