Thoughts on "tiger parenting"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As described in Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. I'm sure this was also discussed back in 2011, but wanted to read the perspectives of new posters.

Personally, I agreed with the emphasis on building work ethic but found a lot of what she described in the book unnecessary (making kids practice instruments for hours, calling her daughter "garbage"). Chua's daughters have both been academically successful--one graduated from Yale Law and the other is at Harvard Law. But many kids who don't have tiger parents are also successful.

Np To me, "Tiger parenting" is all about having a baby and not seeing the baby as an individual person with their own talents, needs and wants. It is all about YOU and how the child will fulfill your desire. You mold and or crush the child's spirit and let them know that if they don't achieve the highest level than you will withhold love from them. Who cares if they have talent in acting or painting? My community will think more highly of ME if my son/daughter goes to Harvard and becomes a doctor! Who cares if they are miserable and want to kill themselves? It is all about ME, ME, ME!

Maybe some parents are like this but I don't wants my kids to have a successful academic life because I want bragging rights. I am preparing them to a competitive market, what they choose to do after will be up to them.

My daughter LOVES art - drawing more specifically. While I nurture her love of art by buying plenty of quality supplies and paying for classes, I am very clear that the majority of artists do not make much money and struggle financially. For every successful artist out there who works at Pixar for example, there are thousands struggling A LOT. I make it clear to her that we are not rich and she won't have a trust fund to rely on, and if she chooses this career path, she will probably have a very limited life. It is all about choices.

She excels academically and I push it hard. I make sacrifices to pay for writing/LA and math/stem programs and although I get some pushback from her, I don't care. I feel I am doing my job as a parent to prepare her and once she is an adult, she can choose her own path in life.

If you aren’t rich, why should she listen to you? Clearly your choices didn’t work out well.

Oooh I wish I knew you in real life, PP. I like your style!

[Anonymous]

I haven't read it in a long time, but wasn't the point of "Tiger Mom" that Amy Chua recognized that her approach harmed her relationship with her daughters, particularly her older daughter? I remember reading the book and being surprised that it was funny, because she clearly knew her behavior was extreme and made fun of herself for it - I did not get the impression that she was advocating it as a healthy parenting approach.

As for the general concept, it is much better to let kids be who they are and do the things they are interested in. The idea that there are 10-14 good colleges in the country and that kids are supposed to spend their lives doing things they hate with the goal of getting in one of them is harmful and misguided.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Burnt out childhood.

My brother and I were raised like this, if our parents (more so my dad) just let us be we probably would have been better off.

But would you have reached all of your goals? My parents were way relaxed and I wish they would have tiger parented us and I wish I would have attended Harvard! Think of all of the possibilities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As described in Amy Chua's Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother. I'm sure this was also discussed back in 2011, but wanted to read the perspectives of new posters.

Personally, I agreed with the emphasis on building work ethic but found a lot of what she described in the book unnecessary (making kids practice instruments for hours, calling her daughter "garbage"). Chua's daughters have both been academically successful--one graduated from Yale Law and the other is at Harvard Law. But many kids who don't have tiger parents are also successful.

Np To me, "Tiger parenting" is all about having a baby and not seeing the baby as an individual person with their own talents, needs and wants. It is all about YOU and how the child will fulfill your desire. You mold and or crush the child's spirit and let them know that if they don't achieve the highest level than you will withhold love from them. Who cares if they have talent in acting or painting? My community will think more highly of ME if my son/daughter goes to Harvard and becomes a doctor! Who cares if they are miserable and want to kill themselves? It is all about ME, ME, ME!

Maybe some parents are like this but I don't wants my kids to have a successful academic life because I want bragging rights. I am preparing them to a competitive market, what they choose to do after will be up to them.

My daughter LOVES art - drawing more specifically. While I nurture her love of art by buying plenty of quality supplies and paying for classes, I am very clear that the majority of artists do not make much money and struggle financially. For every successful artist out there who works at Pixar for example, there are thousands struggling A LOT. I make it clear to her that we are not rich and she won't have a trust fund to rely on, and if she chooses this career path, she will probably have a very limited life. It is all about choices.

She excels academically and I push it hard. I make sacrifices to pay for writing/LA and math/stem programs and although I get some pushback from her, I don't care. I feel I am doing my job as a parent to prepare her and once she is an adult, she can choose her own path in life.

Dear Tiger parent,

Your comments are really sad because you don't realize that those people who do what they love to do are happier and more successful. You have no idea what kind of jobs that your daughter could do and the fact that you push her in directions that don't fit makes me sad for her. Think of something you hate and then tell us how you would feel if your parents forced you to study it and work there because it "made the most money"

Please educate yourself on art careers. Sure, working at Pixar might be impossible but, there are so many more jobs out there for artists than that. Would you want you daughter depressed or happy in her chosen field. Tell her you can't support her but, encourage her to make her own life even if it is not your approved list of occupations. It isn't your life.

Your bolded "I don't care" is very telling. Your daughter knows this and hopefully she will be strong enough to do what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Burnt out childhood.

My brother and I were raised like this, if our parents (more so my dad) just let us be we probably would have been better off.

But would you have reached all of your goals? My parents were way relaxed and I wish they would have tiger parented us and I wish I would have attended Harvard! Think of all of the possibilities.

DP I'm sorry but, you assume a lot. Maybe they tried to get you to do something but, the push back was too great. I have family members who in their 50s complain to their mom about why did they let them quit piano? Never taking responsibility for their own choices to quit piano in the first place and that no one is stopping them now! Even if your parents pushed you assume that you would get into Harvard and be able to stay there without the pushing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read it in a long time, but wasn't the point of "Tiger Mom" that Amy Chua recognized that her approach harmed her relationship with her daughters, particularly her older daughter? I remember reading the book and being surprised that it was funny, because she clearly knew her behavior was extreme and made fun of herself for it - I did not get the impression that she was advocating it as a healthy parenting approach.

As for the general concept, it is much better to let kids be who they are and do the things they are interested in. The idea that there are 10-14 good colleges in the country and that kids are supposed to spend their lives doing things they hate with the goal of getting in one of them is harmful and misguided.

dp The painful parts are when she refuses to let her mother, who had cancer see her granddaughters because it would take them away from playing the piano or studying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Fundamentally, I'm too lazy to tiger parent my kids. I am white and have a degree from HLS (no hooks). Hopefully they will be good testers like me. If not, plenty of state schools offer a fine education.

My parents both grew up poor so that helps me keep perspective. Most of my many cousins are some gradation of middle or working class.

Middle class is fine. Working class involves a lot of dumb choices and forced interaction with people that aren't that bright and so that sucks. But that's an issue of character building and we do work on that. But forced early morning violin lessons? Sounds like pretty sucky QOL unless you both really love the violin.

Same here- lazy Harvard and Yale grad here who tests well. I will say I wish my parents had done more to instill the value of hard work, but I did get there eventually on my own once I found a career I cared about. I hope my children are self-motivated and curious but I’m not sure I’ll force them to work crazy hard if they’re not. They’re young still.

I sorta disagree with “middle class is fine”. My life is way better as an economically well-off person than the alternative and I know this from what my parents and other relatives went through. And being able to support not only my own family but my extended family to some extent is rewarding and gives my life purpose and meaning. So, I will do what I can to impart these values on my kids. Now, could I be hustling much harder to be a tech or finance gazillionaire? Sure, but that level of wealth doesn’t appeal to me enough to make the relevant life decisions it would entail. I also don’t want my kids to glorify wealth and will not push them into the relentless pursuit of it.

Another HYP person who tests well, grew up suburban MC with public schools, is now probably what this board would call UMC (probably never, ever going to be upper though, like my brother who works in Silicon Valley and was an early employee at one of the valley firms). Like both of you, I'm probably just too lazy to do that level of tiger parenting that Chua describes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Whatever success which entails calling a child "garbage" is not worth the emotional wounds.

This! I’ll probably push my kids in a few areas, let them slack in a few areas. But I will always want them to be as happy and mentally strong as I can make them.

[Anonymous]

Eh...it was an entertaining book, and I think she was dramatizing a bit for sales. It was also odd that she didn’t attribute any of her children’s successes to her husband; half of the actual parenting is missing from a parenting book, so not terribly reliable.

One thing I did take from it that I still use today: that things (piano, math, golf) don’t get “fun” until you know how to do them. Great advice!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven't read it in a long time, but wasn't the point of "Tiger Mom" that Amy Chua recognized that her approach harmed her relationship with her daughters, particularly her older daughter? I remember reading the book and being surprised that it was funny, because she clearly knew her behavior was extreme and made fun of herself for it - I did not get the impression that she was advocating it as a healthy parenting approach.

As for the general concept, it is much better to let kids be who they are and do the things they are interested in. The idea that there are 10-14 good colleges in the country and that kids are supposed to spend their lives doing things they hate with the goal of getting in one of them is harmful and misguided.

dp The painful parts are when she refuses to let her mother, who had cancer see her granddaughters because it would take them away from playing the piano or studying.

It was her mother-in-law who had cancer. The mother in law moved in with them. The kids saw a lot of her, especially towards the end. Her relationship with her younger daughter was the troubled one that forced her to re-assess and adapt her parenting. When interviewed, both daughters have been nothing but complimentary to their mother.

Book is both very interesting, and extremely funny - Chua has a more self-awareness than she's given credit, mostly because people miss the humor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Burnt out childhood.

My brother and I were raised like this, if our parents (more so my dad) just let us be we probably would have been better off.

But would you have reached all of your goals? My parents were way relaxed and I wish they would have tiger parented us and I wish I would have attended Harvard! Think of all of the possibilities.

I really wish my parents would have Tiger Parented me too. My parents were so relaxed and never cared about my classes or grades in school. I spent hours watching Giligan's Island, Brady Bunch, and other awful TV shows. I did test really well because I read a lot because I was willing to walk to the library, so I ended up at a decent state university. All my friends who were tiger parented ended up being much more successful academically and professionally. They complained as teenagers about how strict their parents were but all that studying really pays off.

[Anonymous]

I think people were harsh about it because Chua and her husband were very well connected people who hung out with SCOTUS justices, they were rich (she had bestsellers already), their kids were in private schools and would have been okay no matter what. There are a lot of tiger parents who people are more forgiving toward because to them it’s the only way out for their kids from the poverty they experience as uneducated (sometimes undocumented) immigrants and they sacrifice everything to give their kids piano lessons, test prep etc. Look at all the poor Asian kids at Stuyvesant. More than half of the Asian kids there are on FARMs. A lot of them also have tiger parents.