I’m unsure if my SO will be a good parent

[Anonymous]

This anecdote is actually about a father, but my dad was very affectionate. Where my mother wasn't affectionate at all.

Guess which one abandoned his family and which not-affectionate parent raised two kids knowing she always had our back?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

My issue is that she’s not very affectionate.

Not affectionate how?

She’s not the type to hug, randomly say I love you, come up and kiss me, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

My issue is that she’s not very affectionate.

Not affectionate how?

She’s not the type to hug, randomly say I love you, come up and kiss me, etc.

I was raised by emotionally neglectful parents, so I am not a lovey dovey type person. But surprise! I am very affectionate with my kids.

I would worry more about 1) emotional stability 2) stress tolerance 2) follow-through/dependability

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

My issue is that she’s not very affectionate.

Not affectionate how?

She’s not the type to hug, randomly say I love you, come up and kiss me, etc.

I was raised by emotionally neglectful parents, so I am not a lovey dovey type person. But surprise! I am very affectionate with my kids.

I would worry more about 1) emotional stability 2) stress tolerance 2) follow-through/dependability

This. I am not a naturally affectionate person, though I make an effort to be more so with my family. My DH is affectionate, but I wouldn't say he is a better parent. I think we complement each other. He's more naturally affectionate, but can have more emotional mood swings, can be anxious. It's not always great not knowing what mood he'll be in -- loving and great or stressed out and prone to snapping. I, on the other hand, am calmer. I may be less empathetic but I'm even-keeled and logical. Kids can depend on me.

Anyway, you don't sound like a big fan of your SO, so maybe consider whether this is the partner you want in marriage before thinking of kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

My issue is that she’s not very affectionate.

Not affectionate how?

She’s not the type to hug, randomly say I love you, come up and kiss me, etc.

I was raised by emotionally neglectful parents, so I am not a lovey dovey type person. But surprise! I am very affectionate with my kids.

I would worry more about 1) emotional stability 2) stress tolerance 2) follow-through/dependability

The PP nailed it. My ILs are lovey dovey and mentally ill, lying and not reliable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

My issue is that she’s not very affectionate.

Not affectionate how?

She’s not the type to hug, randomly say I love you, come up and kiss me, etc.

Have you spoken to her about this to get insight as to why that might be? Have you discussed how each of you were raised, and the type of family that you'd like to have? Not being as affectionate with you AS YOU WOULD LIKE may have nothing to do with how she'll be as a mother.

It seems like your SO doesn't fit your preconceived notions of what you think a good mother should be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

My issue is that she’s not very affectionate.

Not affectionate how?

She’s not the type to hug, randomly say I love you, come up and kiss me, etc.

My mom didn’t do that either, but she would walk through fire for me. So there’s that. And...I don’t do those things for my DH, but I smooch my kids. I’m not the most affectionate mom, but my kids think I’m the sh!t.

[Anonymous]

So your real issue is that you don't think she's affectionate enough with YOU.

If you're not happy with your relationship, don't make up some bullshit reason about how she's not going to be a good mother. You have zero clue whether she is or not, and she actually sounds like she'd be great. Kind, flexible, and functional is huge.

Focus on whether YOU want to be married to her. Don't deflect this onto your imaginary future kids. It's perfectly okay to break up with someone because you want more affection than you feel they offer or want to offer. Just own it and call it what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So your real issue is that you don't think she's affectionate enough with YOU.

If you're not happy with your relationship, don't make up some bullshit reason about how she's not going to be a good mother. You have zero clue whether she is or not, and she actually sounds like she'd be great. Kind, flexible, and functional is huge.

Focus on whether YOU want to be married to her. Don't deflect this onto your imaginary future kids. It's perfectly okay to break up with someone because you want more affection than you feel they offer or want to offer. Just own it and call it what it is.

+1000

I will add right now, OP you don't sound like very good dad or husband material. You have got a lot of growing up to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your real issue is that you don't think she's affectionate enough with YOU.

If you're not happy with your relationship, don't make up some bullshit reason about how she's not going to be a good mother. You have zero clue whether she is or not, and she actually sounds like she'd be great. Kind, flexible, and functional is huge.

Focus on whether YOU want to be married to her. Don't deflect this onto your imaginary future kids. It's perfectly okay to break up with someone because you want more affection than you feel they offer or want to offer. Just own it and call it what it is.

+1000

I will add right now, OP you don't sound like very good dad or husband material. You have got a lot of growing up to do.

How so?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So your real issue is that you don't think she's affectionate enough with YOU.

If you're not happy with your relationship, don't make up some bullshit reason about how she's not going to be a good mother. You have zero clue whether she is or not, and she actually sounds like she'd be great. Kind, flexible, and functional is huge.

Focus on whether YOU want to be married to her. Don't deflect this onto your imaginary future kids. It's perfectly okay to break up with someone because you want more affection than you feel they offer or want to offer. Just own it and call it what it is.

+1000

I will add right now, OP you don't sound like very good dad or husband material. You have got a lot of growing up to do.

How so?

Well apparently you treated her like crap early in your relationship. And you have a little enough self-knowledge that you have taken your own desire for affection and projected it onto a hypothetical future child, and are seeing it as a defect in it your partner that she can’t meet these imagined child’s imagined needs.

Focus on being honest and communicating about your own needs. What you’re missing is that there is absolutely nothing wrong with her as you’ve described. She’s not defective in any way. She’s just different from you. If you’re not going to be happy with her as she is, there is zero reason for you to stay with her. It’s OK for you to need affection, and OK for her to not be affectionate. But it might mean that you guys are not a good match. Absolutely does not mean that she wouldn’t be a good mother, though, and taking your own needs and pretending they are universal is kind of concerning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that you have different visions of parenting, or that she can’t manage her emotions? I flat-out wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t agree with me on at least 75% of parenting. No reason to get divorced if you can prevent a lot of conflict. But that does leave some room for disagreement on lesser points. DH grew up with fireworks on July 4, and I did not. We compromised by planning for the ones that you throw on the ground, under supervision, after they are 5. Just one example of many compromises that I wouldn’t have predicted as a single woman.

If she is emotionally unhealthy, it will never work until you give her the space to work on herself.

But how can you know someone will agree with you on75% of parenting until you actually have a kid. People talk a lot of shit before becoming parents, but a lot changes when it's actually happening.

I would be concerned about someone who is so in love with a philosophy they can't be flexible to change to parent the child they have.


I totally agree about someone who is emotionally unhealthy, but that begs the question how emotionally healthy can OP be if he stayed in a relationship with someone emotionally unhealthy for 2 years?

You know because you read DCUM and talk about what you would do or think about all of the unusual disagreements people have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

My issue is that she’s not very affectionate.

Not affectionate how?

She’s not the type to hug, randomly say I love you, come up and kiss me, etc.

I’m actually worried about you. You seem the needy kind and so not sure if you’ll be able to handle childcare. I think you’re projecting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't always be sure, but there are some red flags to look out for.

Is she generally a kind person?

Is she flexible?

Does she have control of her emotions?

Is she responsible, or does she really heavily on others to manage her adult life?

DP. This is excellent advice.

[Anonymous]

She sounds like a normal adult. *shrugs*

My husband did not turn out to be a good parent. He loves our kid, but that is not the same as being a good dad. We are divorcing, and there were many other problems that came to light, but I’d be lying if I said that this wasn’t part of it.