I’m unsure if my SO will be a good parent

[Anonymous]

Do you mean that you have different visions of parenting, or that she can’t manage her emotions? I flat-out wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t agree with me on at least 75% of parenting. No reason to get divorced if you can prevent a lot of conflict. But that does leave some room for disagreement on lesser points. DH grew up with fireworks on July 4, and I did not. We compromised by planning for the ones that you throw on the ground, under supervision, after they are 5. Just one example of many compromises that I wouldn’t have predicted as a single woman.

If she is emotionally unhealthy, it will never work until you give her the space to work on herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that you have different visions of parenting, or that she can’t manage her emotions? I flat-out wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t agree with me on at least 75% of parenting. No reason to get divorced if you can prevent a lot of conflict. But that does leave some room for disagreement on lesser points. DH grew up with fireworks on July 4, and I did not. We compromised by planning for the ones that you throw on the ground, under supervision, after they are 5. Just one example of many compromises that I wouldn’t have predicted as a single woman.

If she is emotionally unhealthy, it will never work until you give her the space to work on herself.

But how can you know someone will agree with you on75% of parenting until you actually have a kid. People talk a lot of shit before becoming parents, but a lot changes when it's actually happening.

I would be concerned about someone who is so in love with a philosophy they can't be flexible to change to parent the child they have.


I totally agree about someone who is emotionally unhealthy, but that begs the question how emotionally healthy can OP be if he stayed in a relationship with someone emotionally unhealthy for 2 years?

[Anonymous]

One kid will probably be fine. Don’t have two. Expect to resent her when you take it on but kid will probably be worth it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you mean that you have different visions of parenting, or that she can’t manage her emotions? I flat-out wouldn’t marry someone who didn’t agree with me on at least 75% of parenting. No reason to get divorced if you can prevent a lot of conflict. But that does leave some room for disagreement on lesser points. DH grew up with fireworks on July 4, and I did not. We compromised by planning for the ones that you throw on the ground, under supervision, after they are 5. Just one example of many compromises that I wouldn’t have predicted as a single woman.

If she is emotionally unhealthy, it will never work until you give her the space to work on herself.

But how can you know someone will agree with you on75% of parenting until you actually have a kid. People talk a lot of shit before becoming parents, but a lot changes when it's actually happening.

I would be concerned about someone who is so in love with a philosophy they can't be flexible to change to parent the child they have.


I totally agree about someone who is emotionally unhealthy, but that begs the question how emotionally healthy can OP be if he stayed in a relationship with someone emotionally unhealthy for 2 years?

+1

I thought I knew my parenting philosophies until I actually had a child. It is really hard to know what it will be like before hand.

[Anonymous]

I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

[Anonymous]

You can't always be sure, but there are some red flags to look out for.

Is she generally a kind person?

Is she flexible?

Does she have control of her emotions?

Is she responsible, or does she really heavily on others to manage her adult life?

[Anonymous]

Don't waste out time without details.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you can provide some reasons why she might not be a good parent it’s hard to offer advice. When she is around young children does she embrace them and play with them or would she prefer to be in a separate room? That would be a big clue!

Not really. I pretty much can't stand other children but love my own to pieces. There are also those that love to dote on and play with other people's kids, but absolutely the 95% of the stuff parenting is.

+1 I actually had an ex-boyfriend complain that I "wasn't warm" with children. I'd basically had no experience with kids prior to my own - they made me nervous. But I'm a SAHM now and love love love spending my day with my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

My issue is that she’s not very affectionate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't always be sure, but there are some red flags to look out for.

Is she generally a kind person?

Is she flexible?

Does she have control of her emotions?

Is she responsible, or does she really heavily on others to manage her adult life?

1. Yes, she is
2. Yes, she is
3. She’s flown off the handle twice in our relationship, but I was admittedly a jackass to her and she said she couldn’t take the disrespect anymore and stormed out. This was a year into us dating.
4. She’s a very forgetful person but manages her adult life

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't always be sure, but there are some red flags to look out for.

Is she generally a kind person?

Is she flexible?

Does she have control of her emotions?

Is she responsible, or does she really heavily on others to manage her adult life?

1. Yes, she is
2. Yes, she is
3. She’s flown off the handle twice in our relationship, but I was admittedly a jackass to her and she said she couldn’t take the disrespect anymore and stormed out. This was a year into us dating.
4. She’s a very forgetful person but manages her adult life

Regarding number 3 , everyone has bad days.


Now answer these queestions for yourself? What makes you believe you're fit to be a good dad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you should listen to your gut, but you need to tell us what those red flags are. Is she anxious? Is she angry? is she selfish? is she lazy? Is she impatient? Does she hit the dog? What is it that is making you think she wouldn't be a good parent?

My issue is that she’s not very affectionate.

Not affectionate how?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless you can provide some reasons why she might not be a good parent it’s hard to offer advice. When she is around young children does she embrace them and play with them or would she prefer to be in a separate room? That would be a big clue!

Not really. I pretty much can't stand other children but love my own to pieces. There are also those that love to dote on and play with other people's kids, but absolutely the 95% of the stuff parenting is.

+1 I actually had an ex-boyfriend complain that I "wasn't warm" with children. I'd basically had no experience with kids prior to my own - they made me nervous. But I'm a SAHM now and love love love spending my day with my kids.

This is what I mean, by very often guys who make these kind of statements have very misogynistic views about women, mothers, and parenthood. Not all, but I'd tell any woman to proceed with caution if a guy criticizes her for not being warm with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't always be sure, but there are some red flags to look out for.

Is she generally a kind person?

Is she flexible?

Does she have control of her emotions?

Is she responsible, or does she really heavily on others to manage her adult life?

1. Yes, she is
2. Yes, she is
3. She’s flown off the handle twice in our relationship, but I was admittedly a jackass to her and she said she couldn’t take the disrespect anymore and stormed out. This was a year into us dating.
4. She’s a very forgetful person but manages her adult life

OK, given this information, I think you’re worrying about nothing. You have no idea how affectionate she would or wouldn’t be with her children. And your reply to 3) tells me that she has good boundaries. Is your issue really that she’s not affectionate enough with you, and you’re not sure about spending your life with her for that reason? Because that is a very valid but completely separate question

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You can't always be sure, but there are some red flags to look out for.

Is she generally a kind person?

Is she flexible?

Does she have control of her emotions?

Is she responsible, or does she really heavily on others to manage her adult life?

1. Yes, she is
2. Yes, she is
3. She’s flown off the handle twice in our relationship, but I was admittedly a jackass to her and she said she couldn’t take the disrespect anymore and stormed out. This was a year into us dating.
4. She’s a very forgetful person but manages her adult life

OK, given this information, I think you’re worrying about nothing. You have no idea how affectionate she would or wouldn’t be with her children. And your reply to 3) tells me that she has good boundaries. Is your issue really that she’s not affectionate enough with you, and you’re not sure about spending your life with her for that reason? Because that is a very valid but completely separate question

Agreed. i will also share an anectdoet about how my mom passed the above with flying colors. She was also very affectionate, had an affectionate family, but was very cold with her own children.