Getting married just to have a baby

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had my own wth a known donor and we decided how it would work up front. Our kid is now a teenager, and it’s generally worked well. This is my child, and the donor serves the role of an affectionate uncle. Kid has never known anything different and can get questions answered about the other part of his background. If your friend does a bait and switch it could be a disaster.

I had my own too via adoption as a single mom by choice. I get to raise my gorgeous daughter from China as i always dreamed of raising a daughter. No other adult interfering with my parenting. And, my kid gets my last name.

My parents tell me (and everyone, ugh!) that the best day of their life was the day I stepped off that airplane with their first grandchild. They are in their 70s and after seeing horrible divorces and custody fights among all their various friends and those friends' kids and grandkids, they tell me how smart i was to do it solo.

I have great ex-boyfriends who have stuck by me as friends. They have been so supportive and helpful. I would never have used them in an entrapment situation.

So, OP: do it right, if you really just want a kid, like a lot of us do. Do it solo, being by adoption, foster , or birth.

[Anonymous]

It won’t work in her favor. Hope she’s ok with only seeing her baby 1/2 the time.

[Anonymous]

My sister got married at 36 because she was desperate to have a baby. She only knew the guy about 3 months before they moved in together . She got pregnant pretty quickly and was 5 months pregnant when they got married. She found out some awful things about the husband when their baby was around a year old. She filed for divorce. He wanted custody so he would not have to pay child support. He set out to bankrupt her by dragging out the divorce. My parents had to dip in to their not -so-great retirement account to help get her thru the divorce and gain custody of her child. Sister had to deal with the a-hole til the child was 18 (she's now 20) and said "I never have to deal with that *------* ever again. The daughter knows the whole story and has barely any contact with him now. She just changed her last name from his to her grandparents, who took better care of her than her scummy father ever did.

OP: don't rush in You could lose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's stupid. I have kids who were born out of wedlock. Their father and I just never felt any desire to get married. So we haven't. Everyone is thriving.

It's 2020. No need for marriage to have a baby.

This is what I tell my kids. Be loving and responsible to the kids/mother, if this is the course you choose.

Numerous studies have shown that having children out of wedlock means worse outcomes for the children involved. That statistic isn’t going away anytime soon.

I don't think those statistics account for or apply as directly to scenarios where the parents are post-grad educated with high HHI. Statistically it's not ideal for the parents to be unmarried but reality is more nuanced.

Of course money makes a difference. I do however think if you’re in that bracket of people, where marriage is much more typical, it will be even more obvious to the children because all their peers will mostly likely have married parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if he wants 50/50 custody and she had to hand over a 3 month old baby???

I have a friend who divorced with a 4 month old; they gave her more than 50/50 but it was dependent on her breastfeeding. Let's say, 8 years later it is still a shitshow.

This. Not worth the strings to get married-divorced. Have a baby, Sperm donor, but don’t get married.

[Anonymous]

Your friend sounds like a moron. The world will be a better place if she doesn’t procreate.

[Anonymous]

It's a very common thing for women to do. Especially if she has baby fever.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if he wants 50/50 custody and she had to hand over a 3 month old baby???

I have a friend who divorced with a 4 month old; they gave her more than 50/50 but it was dependent on her breastfeeding. Let's say, 8 years later it is still a shitshow.

This. Not worth the strings to get married-divorced. Have a baby, Sperm donor, but don’t get married.

She doesn’t want to be judged as being another African American single mom.

[Anonymous]

A lot of people get married for this reason if they really are honest about their intentions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What if he wants 50/50 custody and she had to hand over a 3 month old baby???

I have a friend who divorced with a 4 month old; they gave her more than 50/50 but it was dependent on her breastfeeding. Let's say, 8 years later it is still a shitshow.

This. Not worth the strings to get married-divorced. Have a baby, Sperm donor, but don’t get married.

She doesn’t want to be judged as being another African American single mom.

That is ridiculous. Nobody cares. She should not get married to have a baby. Sharing custody is worse than being a single parent who makes all the decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's stupid. I have kids who were born out of wedlock. Their father and I just never felt any desire to get married. So we haven't. Everyone is thriving.

It's 2020. No need for marriage to have a baby.

This is what I tell my kids. Be loving and responsible to the kids/mother, if this is the course you choose.

Numerous studies have shown that having children out of wedlock means worse outcomes for the children involved. That statistic isn’t going away anytime soon.

I don't think those statistics account for or apply as directly to scenarios where the parents are post-grad educated with high HHI. Statistically it's not ideal for the parents to be unmarried but reality is more nuanced.

Exactly. Those statistics are assuming poverty due to not being married. Traditionally, they have worse outcomes due to finances. If a woman can support a kid, there is no reason to get married just to have a kid and in fact, it will make the kid's life so much worse having to deal with parents who don't like or can't stand each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That's stupid. I have kids who were born out of wedlock. Their father and I just never felt any desire to get married. So we haven't. Everyone is thriving.

It's 2020. No need for marriage to have a baby.

This is what I tell my kids. Be loving and responsible to the kids/mother, if this is the course you choose.

Numerous studies have shown that having children out of wedlock means worse outcomes for the children involved. That statistic isn’t going away anytime soon.

I don't think those statistics account for or apply as directly to scenarios where the parents are post-grad educated with high HHI. Statistically it's not ideal for the parents to be unmarried but reality is more nuanced.

Of course money makes a difference. I do however think if you’re in that bracket of people, where marriage is much more typical, it will be even more obvious to the children because all their peers will mostly likely have married parents.

Nobody is saying to hide the lack of marriage from the children. If their parents are together but not married, and that's all the kids have ever known, how exactly are the kids even impacted? Their peers won't know. So what is there to be obvious? A lack of wedding pictures? There wouldn't be any of those if the parents eloped or had a courthouse/JOP wedding. Different last names? It's not atypical for women to keep their names or otherwise have different last names from their kids. What exactly do you think is so different about the lives of children of together-but-unmarried parents who are educated with a high HHI?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A friend of mine just recently got engaged, she doesn't really want to get married, but she wants a baby. Her plan is to get married and then divorce him once the baby is born because she doesn't want her child to be born out of wedlock. Sounds like a foolish idea to me, but she's that desperate to have a baby. I feel bad for her fiance.

It's not just foolish (as in these plans aren't realistic), they are quite cruel to the father who would presumably love and want the baby and look forward to raising children.

+1 if he proposed to her he evidently does want to marry her. Aside from planning to screw over her yet-to-be-conceived baby by shackling him/her with a set of unhappily divorced parents, there's an adult man in the mix who is being hoodwinked just because he had the bad sense to fall for this woman. OP I question why you have friends with zero morals.

[Anonymous]

My cousin did this. She found a guy with good genetics, got married, popped out a baby with him, then started complaining he did not make enough money. Then she initiated divorce proceedings and absconded to a foreign country to prevent him from even seeing his daughter. She's a manipulative monster. I cut her out years ago so I had no chance to even warn thepoor guy.

[Anonymous]

I would rather have a baby as a single woman. I see nightmare divorces, and the kids hate their steps with the going back and fourth. The blended family hasn't worked. She'll end up with her child in this situation.

She should have the child on her own if she can afford too. There's always time down the road to find a partner. For women having your family is a limited process. I'd put that first over finding a man, they are expendable. Your kids will be with you for life, tell that to her OP.