WHY DO MY KIDS HAVE TO BE SUCH JERKS TO EACH OTHER?

[Anonymous]

You might try talking to them separately at a calm time, maybe at bedtime, and get each one’s take on what is happening. You might find that one is really the instigator, or one plays the victim too much. Then, I would have a family meeting and discuss it and say there is a problem and a solution needs to be found. You can read online about family meetings and how to conduct them. Making time to listen to each one at bedtime might alert you to other stressors that fuel the behavior. For video games, I’d give one the morning and the other the afternoon and switch off each day. Then there’s no expectation that they might get a turn that they have to fight for. Or, one day on and one day off.

[Anonymous]

Please don't let the older one bully and manipulate the younger one. It causes lifelong damage to the little one, as a pp shared. Sometime in our early 30s my older sister realized how cruel she'd been to me when we were little kids and actually apologized to me. It meant a lot to know that she finally realized how evil she was. I have mentioned my mom's lack of help throughout my childhood to my mom a few times, and she denies that she ever let my sister be mean to me, which makes no sense since my sister already had admitted it.

Basically, don't ignore it. If you wouldn't let your kid to that to the neighbor or a classmate, don't let them do it to their sibling. And don't do the false equivalency "nobody gets to play with it" BS if one of the kids is just victimizing a less powerful sibling. Nine times out of ten it's the oldest child that does the mean stuff. By taking away toys/equipment from everyone, you're basically just assisting the bully in hurting the smaller kid, especially since the oldest one doesn't even really want to play with the toy.

[Anonymous]

I have found threatening with chores work. When they know I want them to do tedious stuff, they suddenly come up with a nice game together just to procrastinate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please don't let the older one bully and manipulate the younger one. It causes lifelong damage to the little one, as a pp shared. Sometime in our early 30s my older sister realized how cruel she'd been to me when we were little kids and actually apologized to me. It meant a lot to know that she finally realized how evil she was. I have mentioned my mom's lack of help throughout my childhood to my mom a few times, and she denies that she ever let my sister be mean to me, which makes no sense since my sister already had admitted it.

Basically, don't ignore it. If you wouldn't let your kid to that to the neighbor or a classmate, don't let them do it to their sibling. And don't do the false equivalency "nobody gets to play with it" BS if one of the kids is just victimizing a less powerful sibling. Nine times out of ten it's the oldest child that does the mean stuff. By taking away toys/equipment from everyone, you're basically just assisting the bully in hurting the smaller kid, especially since the oldest one doesn't even really want to play with the toy.

I’m glad I’m not your oldest child. That’s a lot of baggage.

[Anonymous]

PEP parenting used to teach a class on this. Not sure if it’s one of the ones they’ve moved online or not.

http://pepparent.org/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please don't let the older one bully and manipulate the younger one. It causes lifelong damage to the little one, as a pp shared. Sometime in our early 30s my older sister realized how cruel she'd been to me when we were little kids and actually apologized to me. It meant a lot to know that she finally realized how evil she was. I have mentioned my mom's lack of help throughout my childhood to my mom a few times, and she denies that she ever let my sister be mean to me, which makes no sense since my sister already had admitted it.

Basically, don't ignore it. If you wouldn't let your kid to that to the neighbor or a classmate, don't let them do it to their sibling. And don't do the false equivalency "nobody gets to play with it" BS if one of the kids is just victimizing a less powerful sibling. Nine times out of ten it's the oldest child that does the mean stuff. By taking away toys/equipment from everyone, you're basically just assisting the bully in hurting the smaller kid, especially since the oldest one doesn't even really want to play with the toy.

I’m glad I’m not your oldest child. That’s a lot of baggage.

+1 wow that’s some serious baggage. 9 times out of 10 it’s the oldest child? Do you study sibling relationships or did you just pull that out of your ass? I’m the oldest, and my little sister was the instigator (backed by my parent’s favoritism). Not everyone else’s situation is what you experienced as a child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have found threatening with chores work. When they know I want them to do tedious stuff, they suddenly come up with a nice game together just to procrastinate.[/quote

And what happens when you assign chores? My kids just refuse to do what I ask. Oh sure I can take away electronics as punishment. Then that punishes me since it's the only peace I get.

[Anonymous]

I have no advice, only commiseration. My two boys (12 and 9) are constantly fighting or talking over each other. It's maddening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have found threatening with chores work. When they know I want them to do tedious stuff, they suddenly come up with a nice game together just to procrastinate.[/quote

And what happens when you assign chores? My kids just refuse to do what I ask. Oh sure I can take away electronics as punishment. Then that punishes me since it's the only peace I get.

Usually one of my kids will do the chore. Once he gets electronics back, the others follow suit.

[Anonymous]

WHY DO YOU HAVE TO WRITE IN ALL CAPS

[Anonymous]

Maybe because their mom is shouting at people on the Internet.

[Anonymous]

Try to create a more family first and less individualistic household. Instill in the older one that they need to take care of the younger one and have the younger one respect/listen to the older one. Honestly, working class families are better at this (see the book Unequal Childhoods).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So tired of the constant stupid bickering between them and purposeful antagonizing. When are they mature enough to realize that if they cooperate with one another and stop getting on my nerves over stupid stuff both of their lives are so much easier and they get more of what they want?! Seriously, guys, if you just take turns on the electronics and let me do my work without constantly having to step in and mediate, I'll forget all about the time limits and you'll have hours. Instead, we're setting timers for taking turns and then I'm going to take it away from them.

Typical example: 12 year old will insist it's his turn to play with the xyz and then hang onto it without playing with it just so the 9 year old can't have it, just because it's his turn. Leaving the 9 year old to cry inconsolably. So fine, 12 year old, waste your turn for the joy of antagonizing your brother, then 9 year old gets his turn and then both of you must go outside and no one gets any more turns.

Have you tried coaching on conflict resolution? Asking, not prescribing... I realize every relationship is different. When mine get in this situation often they pull out a timer and can at least agree on turns that way. It’s hard — you have to make your expectations for the house environment heard if their conflicts are detracting from peace.

Not the OP but dealing with a similar problem with younger kids - are there resources you would recommend for this? I liked the approach in “talk so little kids will listen and listen so little kids will talk” and have had some success but am looking for more ideas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nothing a little hard labor won't fix. Surely you have some weeds that need to be pulled?

This. These children clearly need something productive to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have found threatening with chores work. When they know I want them to do tedious stuff, they suddenly come up with a nice game together just to procrastinate.

And what happens when you assign chores? My kids just refuse to do what I ask. Oh sure I can take away electronics as punishment. Then that punishes me since it's the only peace I get.

Wow, your kids are losers!