Have you ever been iced out of a friend group? And felt sick to your stomach over it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is there a friendship forum? It's making me feel physically sick.

Are your reactions always this dramatic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is someone in one of my friend groups who is being distanced. She was very unkind to one person and the whole group was shocked when it happened (we were there and heard it ourselves). Jaw drop open shocked. It’s a long-standing group and people might get over it in time but for now we are taking a break. Easier now with the quarantine.

So this supposed friend deeply offended and hurt another friend and none of you said anything? Your response was not to step in and call attention to the bad behavior but to just ice someone out? What a bunch of awful so-called friends. Cowardly.

NP here. Exactly. Truly ignorant and childish. You're an adult for crying out loud.

The offended person didn’t want to say anything and it doesn’t feel like my place to say anything. We are all still in each others’ lives for the foreseeable future and distancing seems better than a big confrontation. That said, I would answer honestly, if asked.

Out of everything that happened, the “iced” person was really at fault here. If she lacks the self-awareness to know what she did? Meh.

What? The PPs were asking why you didn’t speak up in the moment? How did the offended person communicate she didn’t want you speaking up when the rest of you were so busy looking at each other with your jaws open?

In the moment, I was just shocked and wanted to get out of there. It didn’t happen to me but I still felt betrayed because I thought the “iced” person was kind and trustworthy. It was shocking to find out that she was capable of that.

In the end, I want to help the offended person, not the “iced” person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is someone in one of my friend groups who is being distanced. She was very unkind to one person and the whole group was shocked when it happened (we were there and heard it ourselves). Jaw drop open shocked. It’s a long-standing group and people might get over it in time but for now we are taking a break. Easier now with the quarantine.

So this supposed friend deeply offended and hurt another friend and none of you said anything? Your response was not to step in and call attention to the bad behavior but to just ice someone out? What a bunch of awful so-called friends. Cowardly.

NP here. Exactly. Truly ignorant and childish. You're an adult for crying out loud.

The offended person didn’t want to say anything and it doesn’t feel like my place to say anything. We are all still in each others’ lives for the foreseeable future and distancing seems better than a big confrontation. That said, I would answer honestly, if asked.

Out of everything that happened, the “iced” person was really at fault here. If she lacks the self-awareness to know what she did? Meh.

What? The PPs were asking why you didn’t speak up in the moment? How did the offended person communicate she didn’t want you speaking up when the rest of you were so busy looking at each other with your jaws open?

In the moment, I was just shocked and wanted to get out of there. It didn’t happen to me but I still felt betrayed because I thought the “iced” person was kind and trustworthy. It was shocking to find out that she was capable of that.

In the end, I want to help the offended person, not the “iced” person.

Ok. Seems like the PPs comments are warranted then. Your group of friends are childish and cowardly if you didn’t call out the offender immediately and in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ugh. Catty adults thinking they're still in high school. No one has time for that sh*t. If you're feeling "iced" out, just confront one of them and see what's up. Maybe you did something, maybe not. A mature, respectable adult would tell you straight. If not, then you need to just walk away because trying hard to be friends with mean people is not worth your time.

Agree. Grow up, people.

[Anonymous]

Not a whole group but dealing with someone I thought was my friend. And I obsessed over it and apologized even though I didn’t do anything wrong and made me really stressed out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This happened to me. It really hurt. Nothing to do other than grieve and then move on. I am so much better off now. I have true friends without the drama!

Do not think that it was you. In my case, it turns out it was how this group operated, I just didn't know it at the time. A year or so after they iced me, they did the same thing to another woman. And I'm pretty sure there was something similar that happened a few years before I was in the group.

You are so much better off without them!

NP here. This is very common among female friend groups, but not all of them. Some are highly toxic where there is a QB who is a drama queen - or, in some circumstances I've seen, a QB and others with Cluster B personality disorders that the group normalizes, enables ,and fosters. (Read up on narcissistic personality disorder, malignant narcissism, histrionic personality disorder, borderline personality disorder...) Hurt feelings and one wrong move - even if you were super rude - shouldn't end a relationship.

In the best circumstances, even low drama female friend groups can require a high level of nuance (compared to male friend groups) that not everyone enjoys. Just because you are a woman doesn't mean you have to like this way of engaging. Many (but not the majority of) women operate more like guys and find it hard to navigate.

Either way, this is not the group for you and if this happens, it means it wasn't good or right for you. You deserve to be told what you did wrong, if you did, and be given a chance to make amends. That is what a mature, loving relationship would offer. Based on what happened, I'm afraid that even if they accepted you back in, you'd be at the mercy of the group's whims and that is neither relaxing nor uplifting.

Focus right now on personal growth - learn something new, read a book you always meant to read, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not a whole group but dealing with someone I thought was my friend. And I obsessed over it and apologized even though I didn’t do anything wrong and made me really stressed out.

I have noticed some people have dropped off the planet, and I have also been less responsive because I've felt depressed. I am hopeful that other people have done what I'm doing and that there wasn't something I did even though I've thought through what the hell could I have done, with a critical eye. Sometimes it's them, and not you. This whole quarantine experience has made people act weird.

[Anonymous]

I’m reading this thread with stunned amazement. That there are adult women who find themselves in these situations blows my mind. Are y’all in high school?

[Anonymous]

Admit your wrong doing or move on. Being iced doesn’t just happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m reading this thread with stunned amazement. That there are adult women who find themselves in these situations blows my mind. Are y’all in high school?

Yes this exists and their daughters ape it at school.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Several years ago and although I didn’t feel sick to my stomach, it did trigger latent anxiety.

In my situation, it began as a group of neighborhood and school moms rallying around another who was in the midst of a crisis. Then this quickly became a competition for martyrdom. Absolutely toxic with the friend in need forming an alliance, recognizing or criticizing “friends” across social media.

I saw what was happening and withdrew my support. I was “iced out” and it made for some awkward social situations.

One positive thing was I realized who my true friends are and it’s not these people. I reconnected and reestablished deep meaningful relationships with a group of childhood friends who made me realize that I am a loving and thoughtful person unworthy of such harsh and nasty treatment.

[Anonymous]

Icing out is basically just minimizing contact. Sometimes it’s much more mature to minimize contact than to have a big drama. I had a friend absolutely insist to know why I had distanced myself. I had never told her because I knew she did not want to hear it. After I finally told her, guess what, she didn’t want to even consider that she might have been wrong. Totally awkward and pointless conversation.

So it would have been much better and more mature to just put things on ice and not have an outright conflict. Not everything needs to be said is my take away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Icing out is basically just minimizing contact. Sometimes it’s much more mature to minimize contact than to have a big drama. I had a friend absolutely insist to know why I had distanced myself. I had never told her because I knew she did not want to hear it. After I finally told her, guess what, she didn’t want to even consider that she might have been wrong. Totally awkward and pointless conversation.

So it would have been much better and more mature to just put things on ice and not have an outright conflict. Not everything needs to be said is my take away.

This

[Anonymous]

It happened to me when I was in my late 20s. The "icer" was a very immature woman. We had been in a very tight group for years and I had a falling out with the woman that was somewhat unavoidable. I can definitely see my part in what happened. She reacted predictably - which was to completely socially isolate me to the best of her ability. She was good at it. People would have "taken my side" if I had tried it but, honestly, I didn't want much to do with the drama.

It look me quite a long time to recover but I did recover. She tried to re-friend me after years had passed, which makes some sense from her perspective, I suppose. For me, though, I wasn't interested. She is who she is. Some of it is good but mostly not worth investing in again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is someone in one of my friend groups who is being distanced. She was very unkind to one person and the whole group was shocked when it happened (we were there and heard it ourselves). Jaw drop open shocked. It’s a long-standing group and people might get over it in time but for now we are taking a break. Easier now with the quarantine.

So this supposed friend deeply offended and hurt another friend and none of you said anything? Your response was not to step in and call attention to the bad behavior but to just ice someone out? What a bunch of awful so-called friends. Cowardly.

NP here. Exactly. Truly ignorant and childish. You're an adult for crying out loud.

The offended person didn’t want to say anything and it doesn’t feel like my place to say anything. We are all still in each others’ lives for the foreseeable future and distancing seems better than a big confrontation. That said, I would answer honestly, if asked.

Out of everything that happened, the “iced” person was really at fault here. If she lacks the self-awareness to know what she did? Meh.

What? The PPs were asking why you didn’t speak up in the moment? How did the offended person communicate she didn’t want you speaking up when the rest of you were so busy looking at each other with your jaws open?

In the moment, I was just shocked and wanted to get out of there. It didn’t happen to me but I still felt betrayed because I thought the “iced” person was kind and trustworthy. It was shocking to find out that she was capable of that.

In the end, I want to help the offended person, not the “iced” person.

So someone you thought was kind and trustworthy behaved badly once and you didn't bother to ask her about it? Not to excuse it but she may have been treated badly herself. People shouldn't be so easily tossed aside. Icing someone is hurtful too.