Have you ever been iced out of a friend group? And felt sick to your stomach over it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is someone in one of my friend groups who is being distanced. She was very unkind to one person and the whole group was shocked when it happened (we were there and heard it ourselves). Jaw drop open shocked. It’s a long-standing group and people might get over it in time but for now we are taking a break. Easier now with the quarantine.

So this supposed friend deeply offended and hurt another friend and none of you said anything? Your response was not to step in and call attention to the bad behavior but to just ice someone out? What a bunch of awful so-called friends. Cowardly.

NP here. Exactly. Truly ignorant and childish. You're an adult for crying out loud.

The offended person didn’t want to say anything and it doesn’t feel like my place to say anything. We are all still in each others’ lives for the foreseeable future and distancing seems better than a big confrontation. That said, I would answer honestly, if asked.

Out of everything that happened, the “iced” person was really at fault here. If she lacks the self-awareness to know what she did? Meh.

What? The PPs were asking why you didn’t speak up in the moment? How did the offended person communicate she didn’t want you speaking up when the rest of you were so busy looking at each other with your jaws open?

In the moment, I was just shocked and wanted to get out of there. It didn’t happen to me but I still felt betrayed because I thought the “iced” person was kind and trustworthy. It was shocking to find out that she was capable of that.

In the end, I want to help the offended person, not the “iced” person.

Was this at the 2018 Women's March meeting?

[Anonymous]

This kind of thing is always instigated by one person. She will pull the ones close that she thinks avoid conflict etc and then hide behind them and act victimized.

[Anonymous]

I was and then the queen bee later kicked out other people. Now people dislike the queen bee.

For another group, the queen bee was a force keeping out new people so I interacted with a few of them 1-1 and that went better.

After decades, the queen bee for the second group I mentioned greeted me warmly. We are not friends but things improved.

Move carefully. Do nothing you will regret. Act with integrity.

You never know how it will play out.


Also. Care less. Nothing is sexier to others than you not needing them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing is always instigated by one person. She will pull the ones close that she thinks avoid conflict etc and then hide behind them and act victimized.

+100 this poster is spot on

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sorry OP. Often it’s one person in the group who has the issue and then convinces or leads the sheep.

+1 Queen Bee
You lucked out to leave group i promise

Agree.

Yes, agreed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing is always instigated by one person. She will pull the ones close that she thinks avoid conflict etc and then hide behind them and act victimized.

+100 this poster is spot on

This explains what has happened to my DD in ES and MS with a manipulative group of girls. Trying to maintain status as a member of the group has been toxic. Feeling rejected is very painful, but you will move on and be happier. It will take time.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I was “iced out” of a group of mom-friends when there was a (normal for middle school) schism among our daughters, who had been a friend group from about third grade. It really caught me off guard to be dropped by women I thought were close friends, and of course it sucked for my daughter, too. There were signs I should have seen sooner that the mom at the center of things prioritized engineering her daughter’s social life, but I just don’t think that way and didn’t pick up on the manipulation. I’m over it, but it took a while.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This kind of thing is always instigated by one person. She will pull the ones close that she thinks avoid conflict etc and then hide behind them and act victimized.

+100 this poster is spot on

Agree completely.

[Anonymous]

This happened in one.of my group of friends. It slowly came out that she was lying about a ridiculous number of things. Some major things and some small. I stayed friends with her because of social situations but backed off a little. An example of her lies....she told me her mom had Covid (this was in late March) and a couple of days later that her dad was having symptoms. I texted and was supportive. About a week after, DH was talking to her husband and asked about his in laws. Nope, they never had Covid.

Lots of lies like that to get attention. A little while after the other friends ended the friendship, I told her why . And I honestly thought it had been a wake up call to stop lying. But I guess not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I was “iced out” of a group of mom-friends when there was a (normal for middle school) schism among our daughters, who had been a friend group from about third grade. It really caught me off guard to be dropped by women I thought were close friends, and of course it sucked for my daughter, too. There were signs I should have seen sooner that the mom at the center of things prioritized engineering her daughter’s social life, but I just don’t think that way and didn’t pick up on the manipulation. I’m over it, but it took a while.

+1 this happened to me as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is someone in one of my friend groups who is being distanced. She was very unkind to one person and the whole group was shocked when it happened (we were there and heard it ourselves). Jaw drop open shocked. It’s a long-standing group and people might get over it in time but for now we are taking a break. Easier now with the quarantine.

So this supposed friend deeply offended and hurt another friend and none of you said anything? Your response was not to step in and call attention to the bad behavior but to just ice someone out? What a bunch of awful so-called friends. Cowardly.

NP here. Exactly. Truly ignorant and childish. You're an adult for crying out loud.

The offended person didn’t want to say anything and it doesn’t feel like my place to say anything. We are all still in each others’ lives for the foreseeable future and distancing seems better than a big confrontation. That said, I would answer honestly, if asked.

Out of everything that happened, the “iced” person was really at fault here. If she lacks the self-awareness to know what she did? Meh.

What? The PPs were asking why you didn’t speak up in the moment? How did the offended person communicate she didn’t want you speaking up when the rest of you were so busy looking at each other with your jaws open?

In the moment, I was just shocked and wanted to get out of there. It didn’t happen to me but I still felt betrayed because I thought the “iced” person was kind and trustworthy. It was shocking to find out that she was capable of that.

In the end, I want to help the offended person, not the “iced” person.

So someone you thought was kind and trustworthy behaved badly once and you didn't bother to ask her about it? Not to excuse it but she may have been treated badly herself. People shouldn't be so easily tossed aside. Icing someone is hurtful too.

We are all in each others’ lives for the foreseeable future and may reconcile after some time passes, but I no longer trust this person and won’t go out of my way to hang out with her.

Her behavior was really just inexcusable. And it’s not worth a big blowup.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Icing out is basically just minimizing contact. Sometimes it’s much more mature to minimize contact than to have a big drama. I had a friend absolutely insist to know why I had distanced myself. I had never told her because I knew she did not want to hear it. After I finally told her, guess what, she didn’t want to even consider that she might have been wrong. Totally awkward and pointless conversation.

So it would have been much better and more mature to just put things on ice and not have an outright conflict. Not everything needs to be said is my take away.

This

Exactly. Sometimes it’s just not worth the drama.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Icing out is basically just minimizing contact. Sometimes it’s much more mature to minimize contact than to have a big drama. I had a friend absolutely insist to know why I had distanced myself. I had never told her because I knew she did not want to hear it. After I finally told her, guess what, she didn’t want to even consider that she might have been wrong. Totally awkward and pointless conversation.

So it would have been much better and more mature to just put things on ice and not have an outright conflict. Not everything needs to be said is my take away.

This

Exactly. Sometimes it’s just not worth the drama.

You’ve determined she’s not worth it then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Icing out is basically just minimizing contact. Sometimes it’s much more mature to minimize contact than to have a big drama. I had a friend absolutely insist to know why I had distanced myself. I had never told her because I knew she did not want to hear it. After I finally told her, guess what, she didn’t want to even consider that she might have been wrong. Totally awkward and pointless conversation.

So it would have been much better and more mature to just put things on ice and not have an outright conflict. Not everything needs to be said is my take away.

This

Exactly. Sometimes it’s just not worth the drama.

You’ve determined she’s not worth it then.

NP. Can you imagine a man going through all of this analysis? I'm another iced out PP but realize in retrospect that I don't have the energy to put this much effort into maintaining any relationship. Forget the impending drama. Just minimize or eliminate contact and move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

In junior high. Caused self esteem issues. Still working on it after 20 years after being unceremoniously dumped by my two best friends.