Will my friend ever be able to move pass this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Past. The word you want is past.

She said past in her post. Clearly the title was an autocorrect.
Hope you sleep well tonight having pointed that out, jacka$$.

On a separate note, sounds like the mom is living through her daughter. I’d bet the daughter doesn’t care half as much as the mom does.

You definitely need to block her for a while.

Np. I think in this case the dd might be disappointed as well. My dd is a freshman in the fall and hope's to be there, not at home taking online classes. And I am not a momzilla.

How often do you bring this up in conversation? Or post about it? The disappointment seems normal. But at some point, doesn’t it become obsessive or maybe performative grief?

I don't talk to anyone about it and don't have facebook so what I do is irrelevant to your friend. I do have a family member that obsesses over something and it has been over two years now. I can't get him to change it when he goes down that route So a few months I would give her a pass.

[Anonymous]

I walked away from Facebook years ago -- it was wasting too much time... However, I can't stop reading DCUM

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Past. The word you want is past.

Clearly that was a typos as OP use past in the actual text

And before you correct me, yes, it’s a *typo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I walked away from Facebook years ago -- it was wasting too much time... However, I can't stop reading DCUM

Same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My friend’s child got into a prestigious university. We were very happy for her DD. However, my friend has posted on FB at least 50x that 1) her DD is devastated that the fall semester might be online and 2) my friend feels the university has cheated them of the classic freshman experience. Sometimes she has posted twice a day about this. I’m starting to feel sympathetic for the girl who might be stuck at home with a Momzilla. Is she going to get past this or do I need to change my FB settings to ignore her for the foreseeable future?

I had a wonderful freshman experience and want the same for my DC. I’d be disappointed for my kid if he got into a prestigious university and had to spend the first semester or year in our house doing online school just like he’s doing now. I also want my kid to have the emotional growth I had during my first year be being away from home. If it were a school that I was stretching financially to give my DC what I viewed as an incredible opportunity, that would stress me out to be stretching my means for my DC to sit a home doing exactly what he’s doing now. I wouldn’t post this on Facebook at all because that’s not my style, but I would feel the anxiety of it strongly because I tend to be an anxious person. Cut your friend some slack. Maybe making multiple posts is a way of releasing some of her anxiety. It might be increasing it, but she’s probably just doing what she needs to. Only communicating by text or phone calls is fine because that’s what you need to do.

[Anonymous]

I am sadder for the class of 2020. Second half of their senior year abruptly ended. No farewells. No graduation. Job offers withdrawn or in flux. Seems like more of a gut punch than some uncertainty re freshman year.

[Anonymous]

^ I would agree with this

[Anonymous]

I like to think of Facebook as more of a diary. You've asked if you can read it.

[Anonymous]

OP, please cut her some slack. My dd is a college freshman and I was devastated that her freshman year was cut short. I am not one to post about it constantly, but I felt every bit as sad as your friend. I can't imagine if this had happened her senior year and she would be missing out on the end of HS and possibly the beginning of college. First world problems for sure, but sadness is justified. She probably belongs to several HS senior and incoming freshman fb pages and there are posters on those pages getting her riled up. So she gets caught up in it and whips out her own post. snoozing her was a great idea.

As for not being disappointed about graduation, I get that. My HS junior couldn't care less about her HS. If this had happened her senior year, we would be much more upset about college possibly being postponed than missing graduation. Plus, a lot of schools are rescheduling graduation, not cancelling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She will. Parenting a senior in a normal year is an emotional roller coaster. Then came COVID. There are a lot of strong feeling tied up in having your kid graduate and start college— officially make the transition from kid who lives in your house and for whom you are responsible to kid you might go for months without seeing and may or may not consult you on major decisions (that don’t involve your checkbook anyway).

I’m a senior mom have been a bit of an emotional mess this year, crying the last time my kid marched with band this fall, for example. Just like kids, parents have set ideas about these milestones and transitions. And most senior parents I know are struggling in one way or another. There has been no senior closure. There is so much uncertainty about if and when and how kids can start the next stage of their life. It’s emotionally exhausting.

As it turns out, I really hope my kid gets to start college in person and not online. But I know it will be fine if moving on campus is delayed a semester. It’s not ideal If his first semester classes are online, but he’ll get to campus eventually. But missing the graduation ceremony? For reasons specific to our family, that was a really big deal in my mind and it’s really upsetting me that I probably won’t get to see him march with his class. I’m just self aware not to post about it on FB 24/7 (Crying when no one else is around, OTOH...). Apparently your friend has been looking forward to helping her kid move on campus, shop for and set up a dorm, etc.

All of which is to say... cut us senior mamas some slack. Seniors are transitioning into being adults. So their moms are transitioning into parenting adults. And COVID, social isolation, lack of normal supports and rituals, and all the uncertainties surrounding the class of 2020 graduating and starting college makes it so much harder. And some people do better than others With uncertainty.

Try to be sympathetic, and re-jigger your FB setting to see her posts less often for a month or two. Once she knows what the fall plan is, and has some time to process, she’ll calm down.

These are not normal times. We all need to recognize people are coping in dofferent way.

Well said. I am the parent of a college senior. He missed out on his last semester with all the celebrations, etc. He’s actually doing pretty well, but every once in a while I get a pang of grief over not being able to see him walk across the stage and get his diploma. My DD went a different route then a 4 year college, so this was my only chance. I don’t really talk about it, but the feeling is real.

I'm so sorry. Is he planning on getting his Master's? I know a lot of college seniors who are ok with missing graduation because they will just walk for their master's someday instead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The Class of 2020 is grieving so many lost milestones and opportunities. By extension, their parents are grieving for their kids and for themselves losing the chance to watch these milestones occur. To launch their kids From childhood toAdulthood in the way they have dreamed of for years.

Now, before anyone says anything, of course many people have it so much worse right now. But it doesn’t make the feelings of kids and parents less real.

If you have the bandwidth right now, it would be kind to reach out and check in. Listen empathetically for 15-20 minutes, saying up front “I’ve been trying to find time to check in, and I finally have 20 minutes before I have to help Kid 2 log into online class“ (or whatever). That way, the conversation doesn’t turn into two hours of drama and after 15 minutes, you can kindly extricate yourself.

Ask her what the hardest piece is— not doing the dorm shop and dorm room setup, which can be a big deal for some girls and moms? Not being able to see her pledge moms old sorority? All the work her kid out into getting accepted to this college, only to have her child being “launched” Into the basement for classes while living in her old bedroom? All the years of sacrifice for college tuition to make this college happen, and now she’s basically paying tuition to Online U, at least at first?

Most senior parents I know have something specific they are fixated on. For example, one of my close friends is struggling with that moment she puts a huge smile on her face, hugs her kid, walks away, gets in the car, and leaves her DD 10 hours away, likely until Thanksgiving. And not knowing if it will happen in August 2020 or October 2020 or January 2021 or August 2021 is wearing her down. I think her talking about it to me and my telling her the piece of this Senior Mess that was upsetting her the most was helpful. My kid doesn’t get a last time to play with his school band. Seems silly, right? But the band kids are super close, and have a traditional last song, after which the underclassmen form a circle around the seniors. And that’s where I’m fixated right now. No band closure. And telling my friend that, without the “”it’s a pandemic and you are worried about a band song?” Response made me feel better.

But if you don’t have the bandwidth, That’s okay. We are all struggling here. The PP’s are right. Mute her posts for a while. You can always go directly to her page if you want a status check.

But, try to put your default setting on Grace, empathy and patience right now— not judgment. We are all dealing with stress and lost opportunities differently. And if you can’t manage those things because your own life is falling apart, hit mute on social media.

I feel this, pp. My kid is an 8th grader, and I am so sad about missing his last concert. Even though he will still be in band in HS, I have always looked forward to hearing them play their HS fight song at their final MS concert. Plus he has such a bond with his band teacher and I hate that he doesn't get to say goodbye.

This particular crisis has a weird abstractness to it, which makes it easy to focus on our less significant problems rather than the devastation that is happening around the world. Over 50,000 people have died, and I find myself weirdly searching for the image that will make this sink in, like the images of people jumping from the WTC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love using the option to hide people for 30 days. I use it and don't feel even an ounce of guilt.

Same. I use it all the time.

My bf, who is a delight in person, has diarrhea of the FaceBook and I am always snoozing her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way to make this alllll about you, OP. The unfollow button literally takes one second to hit - way quicker than writing this post.

If you unfollow someone temporarily, you do run the risk of missing their post that their mom died or their DH lost his job. And it would seem callous to post something trivial after that without having offered condolences. What are you going to say later? “Sorry, I snoozed you.“