Will my friend ever be able to move pass this?

[Anonymous]

Your friend is dealing with money concerns, disappointment, self-induced parenting pressure, and probably global-pandemic-pressure-at-large-with-this-as-an-outlet all during a bat-soup crazy time.

This is the time for grace.

Outside of social media (which is not required reading, by the way), how is she acting in real life? Have you called or texted her and checked in to allow her some moments of real worry and frustration? If not, why not? That's what I do when I know someone is going through a hard time.

Hide the feed. Pick up the phone. See what happens.

[Anonymous]

I’m sympathetic to my friend being upset. She just seems to be very absorbed by it. Oddly, she has not said a word about missing HS graduation. It’s all about this university.

FWIW, My friend already sent a child to college. Her daughter is the middle child.

I took the advice of snoozing her posts with the hope that she finds a way to move past this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is dealing with money concerns, disappointment, self-induced parenting pressure, and probably global-pandemic-pressure-at-large-with-this-as-an-outlet all during a bat-soup crazy time.

This is the time for grace.

Outside of social media (which is not required reading, by the way), how is she acting in real life? Have you called or texted her and checked in to allow her some moments of real worry and frustration? If not, why not? That's what I do when I know someone is going through a hard time.

Hide the feed. Pick up the phone. See what happens.

We’ve talked by phone or texted a few times. She is less obsessed with it then and I can shift the conversation to other topics. Maybe it’s the nature of that platform?

[Anonymous]

This is a time to cut everybody a break, on posts, grammar, political opinions, everything. There will be time for us to tell each other what idiots we are later.

[Anonymous]

Forget the mom. Reach out to the daughter. Say something like: "I know how hard you worked to get admitted to Ideal U. The idea that there might not be in-person class must be so disappointing, but I know that someone who can work as hard as you did will be able to manage it. Beautiful girl, you can do hard things! Hang in there and let me know if I can help at all!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Past. The word you want is past.

She said past in her post. Clearly the title was an autocorrect.
Hope you sleep well tonight having pointed that out, jacka$$.

On a separate note, sounds like the mom is living through her daughter. I’d bet the daughter doesn’t care half as much as the mom does.

You definitely need to block her for a while.

Np. I think in this case the dd might be disappointed as well. My dd is a freshman in the fall and hope's to be there, not at home taking online classes. And I am not a momzilla.

[Anonymous]

This is why I avoided Facebook for as long as possible. People are dying, losing their jobs and unable to travel, but Lala may not be able to shag in the dorm in September.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Past. The word you want is past.

She said past in her post. Clearly the title was an autocorrect.
Hope you sleep well tonight having pointed that out, jacka$$.

On a separate note, sounds like the mom is living through her daughter. I’d bet the daughter doesn’t care half as much as the mom does.

You definitely need to block her for a while.

Np. I think in this case the dd might be disappointed as well. My dd is a freshman in the fall and hope's to be there, not at home taking online classes. And I am not a momzilla.

How often do you bring this up in conversation? Or post about it? The disappointment seems normal. But at some point, doesn’t it become obsessive or maybe performative grief?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is dealing with money concerns, disappointment, self-induced parenting pressure, and probably global-pandemic-pressure-at-large-with-this-as-an-outlet all during a bat-soup crazy time.

This is the time for grace.

Outside of social media (which is not required reading, by the way), how is she acting in real life? Have you called or texted her and checked in to allow her some moments of real worry and frustration? If not, why not? That's what I do when I know someone is going through a hard time.

Hide the feed. Pick up the phone. See what happens.

We’ve talked by phone or texted a few times. She is less obsessed with it then and I can shift the conversation to other topics. Maybe it’s the nature of that platform?

Social media is, by definition, someone's personal stage. It's their soapbox. They post to THEIR WALL, and you choose to see their wall in your feed.

Change the channel, OP. My goodness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your friend is dealing with money concerns, disappointment, self-induced parenting pressure, and probably global-pandemic-pressure-at-large-with-this-as-an-outlet all during a bat-soup crazy time.

This is the time for grace.

Outside of social media (which is not required reading, by the way), how is she acting in real life? Have you called or texted her and checked in to allow her some moments of real worry and frustration? If not, why not? That's what I do when I know someone is going through a hard time.

Hide the feed. Pick up the phone. See what happens.

We’ve talked by phone or texted a few times. She is less obsessed with it then and I can shift the conversation to other topics. Maybe it’s the nature of that platform?

Social media is, by definition, someone's personal stage. It's their soapbox. They post to THEIR WALL, and you choose to see their wall in your feed.

Change the channel, OP. My goodness.

Exactly. There are MANY disappointed students and parents out there, and they can drone on social media continuously, but OP, you don't have to be subjected to it. Change your FB settings so you're still friends, but hide her posts. This is how I deal with my family and their love to scream their politics on FB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She will. Parenting a senior in a normal year is an emotional roller coaster. Then came COVID. There are a lot of strong feeling tied up in having your kid graduate and start college— officially make the transition from kid who lives in your house and for whom you are responsible to kid you might go for months without seeing and may or may not consult you on major decisions (that don’t involve your checkbook anyway).

I’m a senior mom have been a bit of an emotional mess this year, crying the last time my kid marched with band this fall, for example. Just like kids, parents have set ideas about these milestones and transitions. And most senior parents I know are struggling in one way or another. There has been no senior closure. There is so much uncertainty about if and when and how kids can start the next stage of their life. It’s emotionally exhausting.

As it turns out, I really hope my kid gets to start college in person and not online. But I know it will be fine if moving on campus is delayed a semester. It’s not ideal If his first semester classes are online, but he’ll get to campus eventually. But missing the graduation ceremony? For reasons specific to our family, that was a really big deal in my mind and it’s really upsetting me that I probably won’t get to see him march with his class. I’m just self aware not to post about it on FB 24/7 (Crying when no one else is around, OTOH...). Apparently your friend has been looking forward to helping her kid move on campus, shop for and set up a dorm, etc.

All of which is to say... cut us senior mamas some slack. Seniors are transitioning into being adults. So their moms are transitioning into parenting adults. And COVID, social isolation, lack of normal supports and rituals, and all the uncertainties surrounding the class of 2020 graduating and starting college makes it so much harder. And some people do better than others With uncertainty.

Try to be sympathetic, and re-jigger your FB setting to see her posts less often for a month or two. Once she knows what the fall plan is, and has some time to process, she’ll calm down.

These are not normal times. We all need to recognize people are coping in dofferent way.

Well said. I am the parent of a college senior. He missed out on his last semester with all the celebrations, etc. He’s actually doing pretty well, but every once in a while I get a pang of grief over not being able to see him walk across the stage and get his diploma. My DD went a different route then a 4 year college, so this was my only chance. I don’t really talk about it, but the feeling is real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Past. The word you want is past.

+1.

[Anonymous]

The Class of 2020 is grieving so many lost milestones and opportunities. By extension, their parents are grieving for their kids and for themselves losing the chance to watch these milestones occur. To launch their kids From childhood toAdulthood in the way they have dreamed of for years.

Now, before anyone says anything, of course many people have it so much worse right now. But it doesn’t make the feelings of kids and parents less real.

If you have the bandwidth right now, it would be kind to reach out and check in. Listen empathetically for 15-20 minutes, saying up front “I’ve been trying to find time to check in, and I finally have 20 minutes before I have to help Kid 2 log into online class“ (or whatever). That way, the conversation doesn’t turn into two hours of drama and after 15 minutes, you can kindly extricate yourself.

Ask her what the hardest piece is— not doing the dorm shop and dorm room setup, which can be a big deal for some girls and moms? Not being able to see her pledge moms old sorority? All the work her kid out into getting accepted to this college, only to have her child being “launched” Into the basement for classes while living in her old bedroom? All the years of sacrifice for college tuition to make this college happen, and now she’s basically paying tuition to Online U, at least at first?

Most senior parents I know have something specific they are fixated on. For example, one of my close friends is struggling with that moment she puts a huge smile on her face, hugs her kid, walks away, gets in the car, and leaves her DD 10 hours away, likely until Thanksgiving. And not knowing if it will happen in August 2020 or October 2020 or January 2021 or August 2021 is wearing her down. I think her talking about it to me and my telling her the piece of this Senior Mess that was upsetting her the most was helpful. My kid doesn’t get a last time to play with his school band. Seems silly, right? But the band kids are super close, and have a traditional last song, after which the underclassmen form a circle around the seniors. And that’s where I’m fixated right now. No band closure. And telling my friend that, without the “”it’s a pandemic and you are worried about a band song?” Response made me feel better.

But if you don’t have the bandwidth, That’s okay. We are all struggling here. The PP’s are right. Mute her posts for a while. You can always go directly to her page if you want a status check.

But, try to put your default setting on Grace, empathy and patience right now— not judgment. We are all dealing with stress and lost opportunities differently. And if you can’t manage those things because your own life is falling apart, hit mute on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Past. The word you want is past.

Clearly that was a typos as OP use past in the actual text

[Anonymous]

Way to make this alllll about you, OP. The unfollow button literally takes one second to hit - way quicker than writing this post.