Any Other Working FT Moms Now also the Default Parent During the Day

[Anonymous]

So yes, but we have a more unbalance work set up. I've sort of purposefully mommy-tracked myself into a flexible, secure, yet not super high paying job. He makes $50k more than I do, and has a more intense job. So he's been working much more and I've done more child care.

That said, he's not an asshole and we discuss every night who has calls when, and if we both have calls at the same time, we put on a movie or one of us tries to move the call. He's already put my recurring meetings into his calendar so he knows not to schedule stuff then.

SO basically tell your DH to stop being a jerk. His time is not more valuable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have kids with him?

God, why does everyone ask this?!

Because we are tired of reading these posts about people who complain about their spouses when they knew what they were getting into.

[Anonymous]

The kids have a schedule and the adults have a schedule. Review the schedule every day with him and hold him to it.

[Anonymous]

Dh has always been the default parent. That was what we agreed to before I got pregnant. Since he and I are both working full time, our nanny is also working full time.

It's a little much with five people in the house, but we're doing fine.

[Anonymous]

Yes, we were supposed to “share” duties. He works all but 2 hours and I’m making all the meals, being the babysitter and trying to work. Over it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have kids with him?

God, why does everyone ask this?!

Because we are tired of reading these posts about people who complain about their spouses when they knew what they were getting into.

Yes, I’m sure OP is the first woman who was treated wonderfully while dating, got married and the household tasks were pretty even, and all was well. Then they had a baby and their husband suddenly decided that childcare was not his responsibility.

How was she supposed to have known? This happens enough to not be unexpected, but it’s hard to predict when your partner has never displayed this type of behavior before. The same people who blame OP for having children with this man would call her crazy for breaking up with him
“for no reason” if she said she was worried he would end up like other husbands.

Nobody knows how their partner will react to parenthood ahead of time.

At the point where you have a baby, the guy knows (subconsciously or not) that the barriers to leaving have just gone way up. His focus goes back to what he needs/wants, and ignores everything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why did you have kids with him?

God, why does everyone ask this?!

Because we are tired of reading these posts about people who complain about their spouses when they knew what they were getting into.

Yes, I’m sure OP is the first woman who was treated wonderfully while dating, got married and the household tasks were pretty even, and all was well. Then they had a baby and their husband suddenly decided that childcare was not his responsibility.

How was she supposed to have known? This happens enough to not be unexpected, but it’s hard to predict when your partner has never displayed this type of behavior before. The same people who blame OP for having children with this man would call her crazy for breaking up with him
“for no reason” if she said she was worried he would end up like other husbands.

Nobody knows how their partner will react to parenthood ahead of time.

At the point where you have a baby, the guy knows (subconsciously or not) that the barriers to leaving have just gone way up. His focus goes back to what he needs/wants, and ignores everything else.

Then for the love of God dont have another baby with a man like that.

[Anonymous]

I am, but we both know my job is more flexible and I can get away with not really doing much of anything right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And you haven't thrown an epic fit yet? You must be some kind of saint or martyr.

You're allowing this to continue, OP. I would be picking open his office door lock and handing him a kid.

I have and he just says he can’t multi-task like me and the kids want me anyways (which is true). This dynamic has existed since DCs were born and I decided that rather than resenting DH, I’d just hire help. It’s worked...until now...where help cannot come.

Um, that's not good enough. He has to learn. There is no "can't", it's not an option. The kids always want you because that is what they are used to.

[Anonymous]

OP. tomorrow morning, get up early and hole up in the office yourself, door locked. text him that today is his turn to be "on" for the kids while working. tomorrow will be your turn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP. tomorrow morning, get up early and hole up in the office yourself, door locked. text him that today is his turn to be "on" for the kids while working. tomorrow will be your turn.

I do that and he’ll have his Mother come which is a whole new set of problems (not to mention unnecessary exposure). I appreciate the advice about schedules and putting your foot down but he simply won’t do it. I have tried locking myself in the bathroom for a call...the kids stand at the door and pound on it or scream Mommy!!! UGH! I swear I’d marry the nanny at this point.

[Anonymous]

This whole thing is actually making me more grateful to my ex because he's been a bit of a rock star during all this. I'm taking her 3 school days, he has her 2 school days and we're splitting up the weekends. He gave me paper towels, he's kept an eye out for toilet paper whenever he's out and about, and last week he pulled a dead tree out of my front yard to save me the money of hiring a professional. He's also willingly listened to me vent about school closures and other frustrations. and we share similar levels of non-panic about the whole thing.

We probably never would have worked out as a couple for various reasons, but he's doing a great job as a coparent, and I'm grateful for that.

[Anonymous]

Yes, but DH is a healthcare worker so we don’t have the option of him staying home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP. tomorrow morning, get up early and hole up in the office yourself, door locked. text him that today is his turn to be "on" for the kids while working. tomorrow will be your turn.

I do that and he’ll have his Mother come which is a whole new set of problems (not to mention unnecessary exposure). I appreciate the advice about schedules and putting your foot down but he simply won’t do it. I have tried locking myself in the bathroom for a call...the kids stand at the door and pound on it or scream Mommy!!! UGH! I swear I’d marry the nanny at this point.

with all due respect, OP... I am not trying to hurt your feelings, but your marriage has WAY more problems than your husband not wanting to do his fair share of the childcare.

[Anonymous]

Get in the office before he does and lock the door behind you.