i want to murder my husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone here ever want to murder their husband? I get so mad with his bullshit that I just want to smack a brick into his head. He is passive aggressive and demeaning on purpose, pushes my buttons because he is stressed and unhappy about his work, belittles everything I do at home for the kids and the household (i also work full time) .... and he knows it and does it on purpose. that's the worst part - i am just out of words and want to freaking scream and attack him physically. it will go away but he can be such an asshole. thanks for reading.

I know many people are telling you to divorce. I see later down in the thread you mention that you really love your husband. I relate, and we were able to improve our relationship, so I want to chime in with my perspective.

My husband was traditionally really, really bad with direct communication. For example, apparently at one point he felt that I was cooking too elaborately on weeknights and creating an unnecessarily big mess that he had to clean up (he does dishes) and so he would criticize the meal and just be very unpleasant throughout the evening instead of saying "Honey, I find cleaning 7 pots and a messy kitchen too overwhelming on a weeknight. Can you please save cooking this way for the weekend so we can have more time to relax together?" There are lot's of other examples like this where I ended up feeling like he picked on everything I contributed.

He also would (and he admits this now) take work stress out on me.

We have been married 6 years now, and this behavior has largely gone away and we are happy.

What changed? Well we did not go to therapy. I guess I just kept calling him out on his indirect way of communicating over and over and told him "Look, you can be upset at me and your reasons might be valid but you have to tell me what you are upset about directly so we can address it." Somehow it eventually sunk in.

Regarding the work stress being taken out on me, what changed there was that a) he did get happier at work so that was just a coincidence but b) I started (without realizing it) taking my work stress out on him at times, and when he pointed it out to me I think he also had to confront the fact that he was doing it to me too, and so this really improved tremendously.

So, I share this story because if someone were to see my DH's behavior towards me in the first couple years of marriage they would tell me it was hopeless and to divorce because he was constantly picking on me and bitching at me. So he is clearly not perfect and capable of crappy behavior. But he is also apparently (and I admire this enormously) capable of self-reflection and self-improvement. We did have to have a lot of fights over a few years to improve. I *think* calling him out on his shit in simple terms instead of just reacting did help as well.

Now, is your DH capable of change? Are you capable of change? I don't know, only you know. But I wanted to share my story as a counterbalance to all of the "DTMF" posts I knew you would receive here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op.

I love him. We have two amazing kids. He is the one. Just sometimes he drives me insane and
He knows and he is doing it on purpose and that aggregates me. Obviously I am
Not going on to murder him, I love him. I just wish he would get this episodes under control and not behave like a he his failing to appreciate me on purpose. I am a “can’t we just get a along kind of person” and he is a not that.

You sound perfect, OP. I'm certain he's 100% in the wrong all the time.

[Anonymous]

FEELING like murdering somebody is just a feeling. Her husband is going out of his way to be passive aggressive, mean, and belittling. I can't even compare the two.

He is pushing her buttons on purpose. He is demeaning. He is intentionally taking his stress out on her.

And she just feels like smashing his head in with a brick. But she hasn't. She doesn't even say if she has retaliated in any sort of way. I assume not.

I see OP as completely fine, and OP's husband as the problem.

OP, obviously, don't act on it. And figure out how to communicate with your husband so he knows how you are feeling. But the problem isn't you. The problem is the person who is intentionally hurting you with his words and actions.

A divorce may be appropriate. Therapy for you or both of you may be appropriate. Accountability for his actions is totally appropriate. But there is nothing wrong with feeling like hurting somebody (BUT NOT DOING IT).

OP's feelings are just feelings. OP's husband, on the other hand, needs some help.

[Anonymous]

Do you ever just call him out on it? As soon as he says it? "Wow, Bob, that was incredibly rude." "Bob, when you treat me that way, it is disrespectful."

[Anonymous]

book a rage room

[Anonymous]

When the police find your dead husband, they’re gonna track this back to DCUM, lock you up and throw away the key.

[Anonymous]

Geez, couples fight and have arguments. It’s standard. ANH couple who doesn’t yell or get angry at each other, something is wrong. Marriage isn’t puppies and lillipads. It’s being able to communicate and resolve issues.

All the people screaming for her to get divorced over her being angry at her husband is ridiculous. OP is clearly venting from her stressed out husband who can be difficult to talk to. This happens.

[Anonymous]

I think there is a difference between "I could kill him/her" as a figure of speech and actually thinking about bashing your wife or husband's head in with a brick.

I have done the first but have never actually visualized killing my spouse, what weapon I would use, how I would do it etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think there is a difference between "I could kill him/her" as a figure of speech and actually thinking about bashing your wife or husband's head in with a brick.

I have done the first but have never actually visualized killing my spouse, what weapon I would use, how I would do it etc.

I've visualized it. I know i couldn't -wouldn't do it though. Just like I've visualized winning the lottery.

[Anonymous]

I hope you don’t end up an episode of Snapped!

[Anonymous]

You might love him now, but if he keeps acting this way, despite you trying to fix the marriage, it will wind up in divorce. Everyone gets stressed and tends to take it out on the people they are closest to. What you have to figure out is-is he basically a good guy and sometimes acts like a jerk, or is he basically a jerk and sometimes pretends to be a nice guy? If it's the former, you could work things out in counseling. If it's the latter, he's not going to change and that's a crappy way to live out the rest of your life married to someone like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone here ever want to murder their husband? I get so mad with his bullshit that I just want to smack a brick into his head. He is passive aggressive and demeaning on purpose, pushes my buttons because he is stressed and unhappy about his work, belittles everything I do at home for the kids and the household (i also work full time) .... and he knows it and does it on purpose. that's the worst part - i am just out of words and want to freaking scream and attack him physically. it will go away but he can be such an asshole. thanks for reading.

My spouse got like this as life responsibilities and demands increased. His response was to shut down, not do things, then get mad at me when he let everyone down. He got diagnosed with asd, bipolar, anxiety and depression, but disagrees with all of it. He’s just fine... yeah...

My spouse is EXACTLY this. I am divorcing him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Does anyone here ever want to murder their husband? I get so mad with his bullshit that I just want to smack a brick into his head. He is passive aggressive and demeaning on purpose, pushes my buttons because he is stressed and unhappy about his work, belittles everything I do at home for the kids and the household (i also work full time) .... and he knows it and does it on purpose. that's the worst part - i am just out of words and want to freaking scream and attack him physically. it will go away but he can be such an asshole. thanks for reading.

I know many people are telling you to divorce. I see later down in the thread you mention that you really love your husband. I relate, and we were able to improve our relationship, so I want to chime in with my perspective.

My husband was traditionally really, really bad with direct communication. For example, apparently at one point he felt that I was cooking too elaborately on weeknights and creating an unnecessarily big mess that he had to clean up (he does dishes) and so he would criticize the meal and just be very unpleasant throughout the evening instead of saying "Honey, I find cleaning 7 pots and a messy kitchen too overwhelming on a weeknight. Can you please save cooking this way for the weekend so we can have more time to relax together?" There are lot's of other examples like this where I ended up feeling like he picked on everything I contributed.

He also would (and he admits this now) take work stress out on me.

We have been married 6 years now, and this behavior has largely gone away and we are happy.

What changed? Well we did not go to therapy. I guess I just kept calling him out on his indirect way of communicating over and over and told him "Look, you can be upset at me and your reasons might be valid but you have to tell me what you are upset about directly so we can address it." Somehow it eventually sunk in.

Regarding the work stress being taken out on me, what changed there was that a) he did get happier at work so that was just a coincidence but b) I started (without realizing it) taking my work stress out on him at times, and when he pointed it out to me I think he also had to confront the fact that he was doing it to me too, and so this really improved tremendously.

So, I share this story because if someone were to see my DH's behavior towards me in the first couple years of marriage they would tell me it was hopeless and to divorce because he was constantly picking on me and bitching at me. So he is clearly not perfect and capable of crappy behavior. But he is also apparently (and I admire this enormously) capable of self-reflection and self-improvement. We did have to have a lot of fights over a few years to improve. I *think* calling him out on his shit in simple terms instead of just reacting did help as well.

Now, is your DH capable of change? Are you capable of change? I don't know, only you know. But I wanted to share my story as a counterbalance to all of the "DTMF" posts I knew you would receive here.

Curious- was he verbally abusive too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op.

I love him. We have two amazing kids. He is the one. Just sometimes he drives me insane and
He knows and he is doing it on purpose and that aggregates me. Obviously I am
Not going on to murder him, I love him. I just wish he would get this episodes under control and not behave like a he his failing to appreciate me on purpose. I am a “can’t we just get a along kind of person” and he is a not that.

I suspect narcissistic abuse. Manipulation. Gaslighting. Google those things.