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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Does anyone here ever want to murder their husband? I get so mad with his bullshit that I just want to smack a brick into his head. He is passive aggressive and demeaning on purpose, pushes my buttons because he is stressed and unhappy about his work, belittles everything I do at home for the kids and the household (i also work full time) .... and he knows it and does it on purpose. that's the worst part - i am just out of words and want to freaking scream and attack him physically. it will go away but he can be such an asshole. thanks for reading.[/quote]

I know many people are telling you to divorce. I see later down in the thread you mention that you really love your husband. I relate, and we were able to improve our relationship, so I want to chime in with my perspective.

My husband was traditionally really, really bad with direct communication. For example, apparently at one point he felt that I was cooking too elaborately on weeknights and creating an unnecessarily big mess that he had to clean up (he does dishes) and so he would criticize the meal and just be very unpleasant throughout the evening instead of saying "Honey, I find cleaning 7 pots and a messy kitchen too overwhelming on a weeknight. Can you please save cooking this way for the weekend so we can have more time to relax together?" There are lot's of other examples like this where I ended up feeling like he picked on everything I contributed.

He also would (and he admits this now) take work stress out on me.

We have been married 6 years now, and this behavior has largely gone away and we are happy.

What changed? Well we did not go to therapy. I guess I just kept calling him out on his indirect way of communicating over and over and told him "Look, you can be upset at me and your reasons might be valid but you have to tell me what you are upset about directly so we can address it." Somehow it eventually sunk in.

Regarding the work stress being taken out on me, what changed there was that a) he did get happier at work so that was just a coincidence but b) I started (without realizing it) taking my work stress out on him at times, and when he pointed it out to me I think he also had to confront the fact that he was doing it to me too, and so this really improved tremendously.

So, I share this story because if someone were to see my DH's behavior towards me in the first couple years of marriage they would tell me it was hopeless and to divorce because he was constantly picking on me and bitching at me. So he is clearly not perfect and capable of crappy behavior. But he is also apparently (and I admire this enormously) capable of self-reflection and self-improvement. We did have to have a lot of fights over a few years to improve. I *think* calling him out on his shit in simple terms instead of just reacting did help as well.

Now, is your DH capable of change? Are you capable of change? I don't know, only you know. But I wanted to share my story as a counterbalance to all of the "DTMF" posts I knew you would receive here.
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