When does “Mean Girl” behavior start?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this is not "mean girl" behavior, it is just behavior and something to be taught is hurtful. It doesn't need to be pathologized, FFS. Excluding/power/what happens when I say x are all normal developmental phases. It doesn't mean they should not be taught from. But adults deeming 3 and 4 year old children as "mean girls" is ridiculous and inappropriate. It is hard when our children get their feelings hurt. I know. I have seen this far more with my son and his male peers than my daughter. But the kids are not being "mean" or bullies, they are being children.

It is also misogynistic. I am so tired of hearing people say things like, Oh, you know how girls are, etc.

+100. People, every single preschooler does the "not my friend", "you can't come to my birthday party" stuff. This is absolutely developmentally normal and is not mean KID behavior. It is small children having very little control over their lives and learning to use their words to resolve conflicts instead of their bodies. It's GOOD PROGRESS towards constructive conflict resolution. Talk to you kid about how it makes other people feel and how they would feel, but don't over dramatize normal kid stuff.

Consistently picking on a specific child or the princess dress/superhero shirt clique behavior is different. That's ostracizing a particular child in a group environment and should not be allowed. But kids resolving a fight with threats to disinvite from their birthday? NBD at all.

+1 million, especially the FFS and the misogynist aspect of it. I am SO done with this nonsense.

I really don't like it when parents of girls label their bratty kids as "sassy". It's not sassy, it's rude and mean and if my son acted like that I'd set him straight.


I realize we're talking about 3 year olds here and my comment is more in line with a child a little older but same still stands. Stop celebrating bratty behavior by labeling it sass.

Did you even read the replies you're quoting? Nobody is talking about "sass" and the replies are explaining that ALL KIDS, girls and boys, use verbal threats like not being friends or coming to the birthday party as tools in their very limited toolbox of conflict resolution. If a kid is saying the same thing to the same other kid over and over and is constantly making the other kid upset without expressing remorse, then that may be learned behavior from an older sibling. But friends one day, not friends the next, friends again the day after is not bratty, sassy, or bullying. It's just preschool kids being preschool kids. Read a book or talk to a teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this is not "mean girl" behavior, it is just behavior and something to be taught is hurtful. It doesn't need to be pathologized, FFS. Excluding/power/what happens when I say x are all normal developmental phases. It doesn't mean they should not be taught from. But adults deeming 3 and 4 year old children as "mean girls" is ridiculous and inappropriate. It is hard when our children get their feelings hurt. I know. I have seen this far more with my son and his male peers than my daughter. But the kids are not being "mean" or bullies, they are being children.

I whole heartedly agree.

Disagree. The little girl in my daughter’s class is actively mean. Agree that it’s the adults’ job to guide and teach her and not label her as permanently mean because she’s only 3. But she’s mean.

This is silly. Going all "mama bear" on children, especially actual toddlers, over perceived harms to your child is never actually helpful to your child. You, an adult, are labeling a 3 year old. A 3 year old. You are viewing her behavior through the lens of an adult when she likely just started using the toilet. Come on. Grow up.

I’m sticking by “she’s mean.” She has two significantly older brothers and she’s likely mimicking their behavior, which isn’t her fault. And to be clear, my child doesn’t come home sad. But I’ve seen the child I’m calling mean do these things to her classmates. Like pick one out of a group and tell that one she can come stand in line with her but the others have to go get at the end of the line. And when the college kid monitoring the birthday started started to object, the 3 year old I’m calling mean says to the college kid, “actually, those other kids cut in line, so they have to go to the back. It’s the rule.” (Which was a lie.) Her mom was standing right there and said/did nothing although she seems pretty clueless so I’m not sure she heard.

The kid I’m calling mean does this stuff ALL THE TIME. Corrects the teachers and starts the sentence with “actually.” Like, “actually, I didn’t get a turn” when she did. Fortunately the teachers call her on it.

I’m the person who posted this description. The thing that’s interesting to me is that adults and children generally follow along with what this child says. I will call the child I’m describing as mean Larla. My daughter calls various kids in her class “Layla’s friend” rather than using their names! And the adults at birthday parties (the young adults who staff them at places like nature centers and bounce houses) do not challenge this child when she looks act them and boldly lies while doing something mean and exclusionary to other kids, even though they start to correct her. It’s like her self confidence tells people, “back off.” She is a force. And it’s not reeeeaaaallly a force for good at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this is not "mean girl" behavior, it is just behavior and something to be taught is hurtful. It doesn't need to be pathologized, FFS. Excluding/power/what happens when I say x are all normal developmental phases. It doesn't mean they should not be taught from. But adults deeming 3 and 4 year old children as "mean girls" is ridiculous and inappropriate. It is hard when our children get their feelings hurt. I know. I have seen this far more with my son and his male peers than my daughter. But the kids are not being "mean" or bullies, they are being children.

It is also misogynistic. I am so tired of hearing people say things like, Oh, you know how girls are, etc.

+100. People, every single preschooler does the "not my friend", "you can't come to my birthday party" stuff. This is absolutely developmentally normal and is not mean KID behavior. It is small children having very little control over their lives and learning to use their words to resolve conflicts instead of their bodies. It's GOOD PROGRESS towards constructive conflict resolution. Talk to you kid about how it makes other people feel and how they would feel, but don't over dramatize normal kid stuff.

Consistently picking on a specific child or the princess dress/superhero shirt clique behavior is different. That's ostracizing a particular child in a group environment and should not be allowed. But kids resolving a fight with threats to disinvite from their birthday? NBD at all.

+1 million, especially the FFS and the misogynist aspect of it. I am SO done with this nonsense.

I really don't like it when parents of girls label their bratty kids as "sassy". It's not sassy, it's rude and mean and if my son acted like that I'd set him straight.


I realize we're talking about 3 year olds here and my comment is more in line with a child a little older but same still stands. Stop celebrating bratty behavior by labeling it sass.

Did you even read the replies you're quoting? Nobody is talking about "sass" and the replies are explaining that ALL KIDS, girls and boys, use verbal threats like not being friends or coming to the birthday party as tools in their very limited toolbox of conflict resolution. If a kid is saying the same thing to the same other kid over and over and is constantly making the other kid upset without expressing remorse, then that may be learned behavior from an older sibling. But friends one day, not friends the next, friends again the day after is not bratty, sassy, or bullying. It's just preschool kids being preschool kids. Read a book or talk to a teacher.

I’m the PP who posted about Larla who excludes and picks a kid as her favorite and lies. I agree that all kids say “you’re not my friend.” But some kids take it much further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 3.5 and there is already some mean girl vibes that me and some other moms have noticed

Some of the girls moms hang out, and they send their 4 daughters with matching everything. The other girls feel left out.

"so and so both have this backpack, so and so said im not part of the squad" blah blah

10:48 again. This happened in our pre-k, but I felt more left out than my daughter did (thankfully).

That’s mean moms, not mean kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this is not "mean girl" behavior, it is just behavior and something to be taught is hurtful. It doesn't need to be pathologized, FFS. Excluding/power/what happens when I say x are all normal developmental phases. It doesn't mean they should not be taught from. But adults deeming 3 and 4 year old children as "mean girls" is ridiculous and inappropriate. It is hard when our children get their feelings hurt. I know. I have seen this far more with my son and his male peers than my daughter. But the kids are not being "mean" or bullies, they are being children.

I whole heartedly agree.

Disagree. The little girl in my daughter’s class is actively mean. Agree that it’s the adults’ job to guide and teach her and not label her as permanently mean because she’s only 3. But she’s mean.

Boys can be mean too. The whole concept of "mean girl" is misogynistic in so many ways.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this is not "mean girl" behavior, it is just behavior and something to be taught is hurtful. It doesn't need to be pathologized, FFS. Excluding/power/what happens when I say x are all normal developmental phases. It doesn't mean they should not be taught from. But adults deeming 3 and 4 year old children as "mean girls" is ridiculous and inappropriate. It is hard when our children get their feelings hurt. I know. I have seen this far more with my son and his male peers than my daughter. But the kids are not being "mean" or bullies, they are being children.

I whole heartedly agree.

Disagree. The little girl in my daughter’s class is actively mean. Agree that it’s the adults’ job to guide and teach her and not label her as permanently mean because she’s only 3. But she’s mean.

Boys can be mean too. The whole concept of "mean girl" is misogynistic in so many ways.

I am usually behind this 100%, but I just haven’t seen little boys be mean the way that little girls are mean. I have a son with special needs, and the girls will play jokes that involve multiple people and last for days before they let him in on the punchline. Boys might tease him on the playground, but it’s over when it’s over, and they don’t care if he gets it or not.

I actually did not see this stuff in preschool though. It started more like 1st and 2nd grade.

[Anonymous]

We have a different term when boys do it — we call it bullying. It’s not like we only demonized it when little girls exhibit the behavior. So the terms are sex-linked, but I don’t think it’s misogynistic.

Now terms like slut and ho are misogynistic, because the same behavior by males is just fine. See the difference?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a different term when boys do it — we call it bullying. It’s not like we only demonized it when little girls exhibit the behavior. So the terms are sex-linked, but I don’t think it’s misogynistic.

Now terms like slut and ho are misogynistic, because the same behavior by males is just fine. See the difference?

No. Because "mean girl" is often used to describe girls behaving in typical ways, as demonstrated in this thread. A little boy behaving as OP described above would not be labeled as mean. Nor would it be bullying. Also, people. 3 year olds don't bully. You've rendered the term devoid of meaning.

When boys rough house or or overly "hyperactive" we often say its "boys being boys" or "boys have a hard time sitting still." This is true. But when girls engage in behaviors that are typical for girls, we often label it as "mean girl."

[Anonymous]

Pre-K. Check out Little Girls Can Be Mean

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 3.5 and there is already some mean girl vibes that me and some other moms have noticed

Some of the girls moms hang out, and they send their 4 daughters with matching everything. The other girls feel left out.

"so and so both have this backpack, so and so said im not part of the squad" blah blah

Sounds like mean moms to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this is not "mean girl" behavior, it is just behavior and something to be taught is hurtful. It doesn't need to be pathologized, FFS. Excluding/power/what happens when I say x are all normal developmental phases. It doesn't mean they should not be taught from. But adults deeming 3 and 4 year old children as "mean girls" is ridiculous and inappropriate. It is hard when our children get their feelings hurt. I know. I have seen this far more with my son and his male peers than my daughter. But the kids are not being "mean" or bullies, they are being children.

It is also misogynistic. I am so tired of hearing people say things like, Oh, you know how girls are, etc.

+100. People, every single preschooler does the "not my friend", "you can't come to my birthday party" stuff. This is absolutely developmentally normal and is not mean KID behavior. It is small children having very little control over their lives and learning to use their words to resolve conflicts instead of their bodies. It's GOOD PROGRESS towards constructive conflict resolution. Talk to you kid about how it makes other people feel and how they would feel, but don't over dramatize normal kid stuff.

Consistently picking on a specific child or the princess dress/superhero shirt clique behavior is different. That's ostracizing a particular child in a group environment and should not be allowed. But kids resolving a fight with threats to disinvite from their birthday? NBD at all.

So much this. It's little kids figuring out social power, friendships, etc. It doesn't mean they are "mean girls" (and boys do this just as much), it means they need to be guided and taught. "Friendship" is an active thing with little kids. My kid would come home and say that so-and-so wasn't her friend today, and what she meant was that so-and-so didn't play with her. The next day they played together, and they were friends again. And they say stuff to see what happens, to express displeasure at something another kid did, etc. The adults in their lives need to help them channel their feelings into more appropriate and kind ways of speaking and acting, but literally EVERY SINGLE preschooler I've ever met did this at some point. I talked to teachers about it, and they agreed. This is just normal behavior, and what matters is how the adults around them react to it.

[Anonymous]

Kids are often control freaks, they are just asserting control. And don’t just target girls, boys can be just as bad and physically aggressive on top of it. Smug boy moms are so annoying.

I find that the kids who do this are often the oldest in their classes, or more mature than others their age. Yes often with older siblings but only partially bc of the example, but also bc younger siblings tend to be more socially mature.

Not to bring up the dreaded redshirt topic, but this is one of the reasons it’s not great, esp when children are redshirted NOT for immaturity reasons.

I have 2 kids -their birthdays are October and July and one is old for grade and one is young. My old for grade child learned early she could dance circles around many of her classmates and I had to battle against her way more to curb mean behavior.