When does “Mean Girl” behavior start?

[Anonymous]

Just caught glimpses of mean girl behavior in pre-k. Luckily my kid is not totally aware of it, yet. Is pre-k really when it starts? What’s the best way to help your kid who may be a target. (Or keep them from engaging).

I survived mean girls in middle school and sorority in college. It’s no fun.

[Anonymous]

I've seen it in K this year. Didn't notice it in Pre-K last year but this particular girl wasn't at the school then. I had never seen it with our friends' kids, many of whom are older than K, but definitely saw it this year.

[Anonymous]

Pre-k for sure. Lots of disinvites to birthday parties and threatening not to be friends.

[Anonymous]

My DD got mean-girled last week and she’s in pre-K. A “friend” came over for a play date and started saying that she wasn’t her friend, her real friends are x, y and z, etc. She’s also said to my DD that she wasn’t going to invite DD to her birthday but she was going to invite everyone else. This is a family friend’s kid who we’re providing regular childcare for while they undergo medical treatment or else I would have driven the kid straight home. I think that this relational aggression is more common when there are older kids at home modeling it. Plus anything tough going on at home might make them test relationships in other parts of life. Not an excuse for meanness, though.

[Anonymous]

I have seen mean kid behavior in even younger kids. Both boys and girls.

[Anonymous]

My DD is 3.5 and there is already some mean girl vibes that me and some other moms have noticed

Some of the girls moms hang out, and they send their 4 daughters with matching everything. The other girls feel left out.

"so and so both have this backpack, so and so said im not part of the squad" blah blah

[Anonymous]

My older daughter first experienced mean girl behavior in first grade. It was a "friend" of hers in aftercare who, along with another girl who followed along, would do we will play with you/we won't play with you, depending on the day. It was very confusing for my daughter who'd only ever had friends treat her well. We ended up switching aftercare providers (for many reasons) and the leader girl moved away. She is now in 3rd and no issues with mean girl behavior since then, but I'm sure more is coming at some point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is 3.5 and there is already some mean girl vibes that me and some other moms have noticed

Some of the girls moms hang out, and they send their 4 daughters with matching everything. The other girls feel left out.

"so and so both have this backpack, so and so said im not part of the squad" blah blah

10:48 again. This happened in our pre-k, but I felt more left out than my daughter did (thankfully).

[Anonymous]

There was a Princess clique at DS preschool. If you were a girl not wearing a Princess Dress they would not play with you. This did not bother DS because they would play to him but he had a female friend who was excluded. DS played with her. The teachers told parents no Princess Dresses in class and the problem went away.

I will also say that the Teachers also told us that there were no hero t-shirts allowed at some point in Pre School. There was a group of boys who would not allow any child without a hero shirt to play with them and they were acting out movie fight scenes.

So I would say that cliquey behavior starts earlier then we think it would regardless of gender.

[Anonymous]

But isn’t it so fickle and nature at this age? My 5 yo come home all the time with tales of x isn’t my friend. But then they are best buds the next day. I think the mean girl thing would have to be more deliberate and less fickle.

[Anonymous]

I’m a PP and in response to the post above, the mean girl behavior in our pre-K is very targeted and consistently aimed at specific kids and originated from the same kids. I know what you mean about fickle friendships at this age but this is definitely not that!

[Anonymous]

A lot of this is not "mean girl" behavior, it is just behavior and something to be taught is hurtful. It doesn't need to be pathologized, FFS. Excluding/power/what happens when I say x are all normal developmental phases. It doesn't mean they should not be taught from. But adults deeming 3 and 4 year old children as "mean girls" is ridiculous and inappropriate. It is hard when our children get their feelings hurt. I know. I have seen this far more with my son and his male peers than my daughter. But the kids are not being "mean" or bullies, they are being children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this is not "mean girl" behavior, it is just behavior and something to be taught is hurtful. It doesn't need to be pathologized, FFS. Excluding/power/what happens when I say x are all normal developmental phases. It doesn't mean they should not be taught from. But adults deeming 3 and 4 year old children as "mean girls" is ridiculous and inappropriate. It is hard when our children get their feelings hurt. I know. I have seen this far more with my son and his male peers than my daughter. But the kids are not being "mean" or bullies, they are being children.

It is also misogynistic. I am so tired of hearing people say things like, Oh, you know how girls are, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A lot of this is not "mean girl" behavior, it is just behavior and something to be taught is hurtful. It doesn't need to be pathologized, FFS. Excluding/power/what happens when I say x are all normal developmental phases. It doesn't mean they should not be taught from. But adults deeming 3 and 4 year old children as "mean girls" is ridiculous and inappropriate. It is hard when our children get their feelings hurt. I know. I have seen this far more with my son and his male peers than my daughter. But the kids are not being "mean" or bullies, they are being children.

It is also misogynistic. I am so tired of hearing people say things like, Oh, you know how girls are, etc.

+100. People, every single preschooler does the "not my friend", "you can't come to my birthday party" stuff. This is absolutely developmentally normal and is not mean KID behavior. It is small children having very little control over their lives and learning to use their words to resolve conflicts instead of their bodies. It's GOOD PROGRESS towards constructive conflict resolution. Talk to you kid about how it makes other people feel and how they would feel, but don't over dramatize normal kid stuff.

Consistently picking on a specific child or the princess dress/superhero shirt clique behavior is different. That's ostracizing a particular child in a group environment and should not be allowed. But kids resolving a fight with threats to disinvite from their birthday? NBD at all.

[Anonymous]

My DD is 10 and I haven’t seen or heard her complain of this behavior yet. She goes to a small private school where the teachers are pretty on top of bully and though- so maybe that has something to do with it.