Are you a mom who had a close relationship with your teenage DS?

[Anonymous]

I have a 10yr old boy with dyslexia and he's quiet; prefers reading or screens to anybody. I'm trying to connect but most of our time is working through challenges.

Any tips? I do try to do things just 1:1 with him but wish he would just talk to me more.

I think he's having a difficult time in school so doesn't really want to talk about his day and when he does something else (without me) he doesn't really talk about it.

We do snuggle daily. Maybe it's his age?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 10yr old boy with dyslexia and he's quiet; prefers reading or screens to anybody. I'm trying to connect but most of our time is working through challenges.

Any tips? I do try to do things just 1:1 with him but wish he would just talk to me more.

I think he's having a difficult time in school so doesn't really want to talk about his day and when he does something else (without me) he doesn't really talk about it.

We do snuggle daily. Maybe it's his age?

You are connecting with him. There is so much comfort in a mother's loving embrace.

[Anonymous]

My son is 20 now, and he is away in college, so we don’t spend much time together anymore, but all through his high school we were very close. Of my three kids, he is the one who is most like me, we look alike and think alike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 10yr old boy with dyslexia and he's quiet; prefers reading or screens to anybody. I'm trying to connect but most of our time is working through challenges.

Any tips? I do try to do things just 1:1 with him but wish he would just talk to me more.

I think he's having a difficult time in school so doesn't really want to talk about his day and when he does something else (without me) he doesn't really talk about it.

We do snuggle daily. Maybe it's his age?

I’m the mom of the 14 year old dyslexic above. Keep snuggling! I make sure to hug and touch my kid daily - boys can really stop getting that physical touch, but it’s a great stress reliever. Have you read the Self Driven Child? I found that helpful in reframing how I approached my son’s school troubles. We stopped arguing and negotiating about tutoring and homework when he was about 11, and that was a real help to our relationship. Now I work to enter into whatever makes him happy - Video games, basketball, baseball, pugs. I’ve become suddenly very interested in them all (not really, but I pretend to!)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:16.5 yo and 12.5 yo boys here. I am close with both of them and they have drastically different personalities; I try to meet them where they are even if I’m uncomfortable. I also try to say “Ok” whenever they say, “can I tell you something” regardless of how tired or almost asleep I am. Because that something could be “I just let the biggest fart” or “I had a terrible day” I never know which.

I have two boys 2 and 4, and this just made me laugh so hard! We are definitely more in the “I just farted” phase with our oldest, but I’ll make sure to keep listening for when they need to tell me the big stuff when they’re older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^I was thinking something similar. Haven’t found it hard to close to my preteen or teen boys — with many of the strategies above including shared interests, always being willing to listen even when they conveniently seek me out at midnight etc.

What I haven’t figured out though is how to impart that their family of origin is also important and it will be on THEM to make efforts with our side. In every relationship I’ve seen - DH, my parents, brothers, cousins — once they’re married, that’s it, it is all about the wife’s side of the family and seeing the husbands side is just an obligation — even if everyone gets along. Part of this is it’s always DILs making plans so if course when time is limited, they choose their sides; I don’t fault them. I fault the sons who otherwise were close to their parents/siblings and were good sons for shrugging and going along whether due to laziness, not wanting to piss off their wives, their kids always wanting their maternal grandparents bc they simply know them more bc they’re not excluded as often as paternal are etc. But it’s a tale as old as time — a sons a son until he takes a wife.

I'm a mom with two young children. We do 100% of holidays and travel with my DH's parents because for lack of better way to describe it, I come from a "bad family" ... single widowed mentally unstable mom with one sibling who has a drug issue and the other one is single. I have an amazing extended family who we do see quite often but my kids are very close with paternal grandparents and their paternal aunts and uncles. My MIL was kind of rude to me when we were getting married about this (not getting to know my family very well who I have to keep at a distance, for reasons mentioned above) and at the same time her other son was getting married, and his fiance's family was super involved in the wedding, etc. Well fast forward two years later, MIL didn't get to see her other son for a single holiday after they were married. They are divorced now so it doesn't matter anyways but as boy parents you may actually luck out if your DIL doesn't come from the greatest family. That's usually the only cases I have seen where the paternal grandparents are MORE involved in the kids lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Thinking ahead to the future makes me so sad. I have trouble thinking to the future. My dh is a good son but is too busy for his parents. He never calls, never thinks of gifts. Dh is so incredibly overworked by his job (it is a public position) that he has only time for his family. He puts us first and tries so hard but yeah we don’t visit his parents much (8x a year?). They complain nonstop and never visit us. They’ve never once helped me. Last fall he was gone 3 weekends a month (Normal)and they wanted us his only weekend home at all. Hell no. They refer to home as his hometown but we live 4 hours away. I have a newborn as well as a toddler.

I can’t imagine life like that and I imagine it makes lots of boy moms not even care anymore. Boy moms abandon their sons when they need help because only the DILs need help. It’s all BS they tell themselves. I love my son and will treat both equally. I will hopefully raise him to call but I know my in-laws did that. Not sure what the answer is.

Nothing stopping you from building a relationship with them. You can call, send pictures and invite them to visit. I did that with my MIL who wasn't close to my husband. I became closer to her than he did. She was very loving and kind to me.

She sounds like an open, warm and caring human being. Not all MIL's are like that. Also, your parents did a good job, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^I was thinking something similar. Haven’t found it hard to close to my preteen or teen boys — with many of the strategies above including shared interests, always being willing to listen even when they conveniently seek me out at midnight etc.

What I haven’t figured out though is how to impart that their family of origin is also important and it will be on THEM to make efforts with our side. In every relationship I’ve seen - DH, my parents, brothers, cousins — once they’re married, that’s it, it is all about the wife’s side of the family and seeing the husbands side is just an obligation — even if everyone gets along. Part of this is it’s always DILs making plans so if course when time is limited, they choose their sides; I don’t fault them. I fault the sons who otherwise were close to their parents/siblings and were good sons for shrugging and going along whether due to laziness, not wanting to piss off their wives, their kids always wanting their maternal grandparents bc they simply know them more bc they’re not excluded as often as paternal are etc. But it’s a tale as old as time — a sons a son until he takes a wife.

This. You already sound like you’re going to be a terrible MIL, because of your attitude. You should work on developing a positive relationship with DIL and being the most helpful and kind person around so she *wants* to spend time with you.

+1
A freaking MEN to that!

[Anonymous]

Three teenage children - close to all of them. But, I will tell you that my 14 year old son is the sweetest. I work from home part time and am around a lot. Feel very lucky Kids are fun now...except when they decide to fight!

[Anonymous]

I have two boys, 14 and 19. I'm close to both of them. One is more extroverted (the 19 yr old) and is now in college. He calls daily, and we have gone on trips together, alone. Same with younger DS. They are both close to their father, too, he was (is) their coach for sports.

DS1 and went through a phase of much conflict as we are both similar, but we outgrew it. Anyway, we always put a lot of emphasis on family time together and one-on-one in all combos. But also gave them plenty of friend time, etc. It seems to have worked? I hope it continues!

[Anonymous]

I have two teen boys, 18 & 16. We are close, but I’m still firm with them, otherwise they’d walk all over me.

I think they tell me more than than share with my husband, but that’s mainly because they are so much like their dad. Even though they give me anxiety and we’ve had a lot of bumps in the road, they’re still my boys. They love to have a mom backscratch or for me to play with their heart while they lounge on the couch.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two teen boys, 18 & 16. We are close, but I’m still firm with them, otherwise they’d walk all over me.

I think they tell me more than than share with my husband, but that’s mainly because they are so much like their dad. Even though they give me anxiety and we’ve had a lot of bumps in the road, they’re still my boys. They love to have a mom backscratch or for me to play with their heart while they lounge on the couch.

Wut?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^I was thinking something similar. Haven’t found it hard to close to my preteen or teen boys — with many of the strategies above including shared interests, always being willing to listen even when they conveniently seek me out at midnight etc.

What I haven’t figured out though is how to impart that their family of origin is also important and it will be on THEM to make efforts with our side. In every relationship I’ve seen - DH, my parents, brothers, cousins — once they’re married, that’s it, it is all about the wife’s side of the family and seeing the husbands side is just an obligation — even if everyone gets along. Part of this is it’s always DILs making plans so if course when time is limited, they choose their sides; I don’t fault them. I fault the sons who otherwise were close to their parents/siblings and were good sons for shrugging and going along whether due to laziness, not wanting to piss off their wives, their kids always wanting their maternal grandparents bc they simply know them more bc they’re not excluded as often as paternal are etc. But it’s a tale as old as time — a sons a son until he takes a wife.

This. You already sound like you’re going to be a terrible MIL, because of your attitude. You should work on developing a positive relationship with DIL and being the most helpful and kind person around so she *wants* to spend time with you.

+1
A freaking MEN to that!

Some women just don't want to be around MILs no matter what though -- no matter how nice or kind or helpful they are. I'm seeing it right now with a friend of mine who is getting married. MIL is across the country and is just trying to get to know my friend w/o being overly involved -- not telling her what type of dress to get, not inviting herself to wedding planning things etc. Yet if she so much as sends an email or a text, friend -- who is nice to EVERYONE else -- gets an attitude and tells fiance to deal with his own mother etc. There is literally nothing that side of the family can do that will ever be seen as right -- doesn't matter how nice or kind or helpful they are or how much they bend over backwards. PP may be right though -- might be because she has her own very functional family, is close with her own mother/grandmother, has 4 siblings of her own etc. -- so she DOES she it as, why do I need DH's family?? May be different if you have a family that provides something that your DS's family doesn't. But in any event -- a son's a son until he takes a wife. You can call me a terrible future MIL all you want, but this is what I've seen happen over 90% of the time.

[Anonymous]

^Some women just don't want to be around MILs no matter what though -- no matter how nice or kind or helpful they are. I'm seeing it right now with a friend of mine who is getting married. MIL is across the country and is just trying to get to know my friend w/o being overly involved -- not telling her what type of dress to get, not inviting herself to wedding planning things etc. Yet if she so much as sends an email or a text, friend -- who is nice to EVERYONE else -- gets an attitude and tells fiance to deal with his own mother etc. There is literally nothing that side of the family can do that will ever be seen as right -- doesn't matter how nice or kind or helpful they are or how much they bend over backwards. PP may be right though -- might be because she has her own very functional family, is close with her own mother/grandmother, has 4 siblings of her own etc. -- so she DOES she it as, why do I need DH's family?? May be different if you have a family that provides something that your DS's family doesn't. But in any event -- a son's a son until he takes a wife. You can call me a terrible future MIL all you want, but this is what I've seen happen over 90% of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^Some women just don't want to be around MILs no matter what though -- no matter how nice or kind or helpful they are. I'm seeing it right now with a friend of mine who is getting married. MIL is across the country and is just trying to get to know my friend w/o being overly involved -- not telling her what type of dress to get, not inviting herself to wedding planning things etc. Yet if she so much as sends an email or a text, friend -- who is nice to EVERYONE else -- gets an attitude and tells fiance to deal with his own mother etc. There is literally nothing that side of the family can do that will ever be seen as right -- doesn't matter how nice or kind or helpful they are or how much they bend over backwards. PP may be right though -- might be because she has her own very functional family, is close with her own mother/grandmother, has 4 siblings of her own etc. -- so she DOES she it as, why do I need DH's family?? May be different if you have a family that provides something that your DS's family doesn't. But in any event -- a son's a son until he takes a wife. You can call me a terrible future MIL all you want, but this is what I've seen happen over 90% of the time.

This is definitely true. Many (most?) women are like this at least here in the US where marriage isn't thought to be a joining of families type of event. I have seen the sweetest/nice to anybody friends, cousins etc. just straight up rude to MILs/SILs etc. even when those MILs/SILs are saying things that they'd be perfectly fine hearing from literally anyone else. And yes you're right often it is women who have very full family and friend lives before marriage so they feel they just need the man, not his family; and because the DHs sort of just shrug along and don't want to make waves in their own marriages, they becomes self fulfilling. I'm of a - marriage = joining of families - type culture so different experience as you had to deal with the inlaws whether you liked it or not and in my culture DHs do side with their mommies for life so that gets old too; but really I'd love for DS (all of 6 mos old LOL) to marry in our culture not because I need him to side with me but because I'd like his nuclear family to be a legit part of ours not just some obligation on a calendar; but given that this is all 3ish decades away, who knows.