Are you a mom who had a close relationship with your teenage DS?

[Anonymous]

I’m close with my teen son. I feel like he has receptive times where we talk about all sorts of interesting things and he’s very open and vulnerable. Other times he’s more closed off and/or just exhausted. We definitely both bond over music and spend a lot of time playing each other music we like and discussing songs and lyrics. Sports road trips are also great for bonding in our experience.

[Anonymous]

This is so interesting. Very close to my dyslexic son. He was diagnosed late and I think I was always protective because I knew something was going on but didn’t know what. And, I think he needed my help more than most. Now that he has a diagnosis and accommodations, he is much more independent and I worry that the closeness will fade.

[Anonymous]

These are interesting and surprising... my DS is 9 and we are very close and my reaction to this post was like “what?! You mean not everyone is close to their DS and it might change?!?!” I would be heartbroken... I have 3 kids but he is my oldest and I will be so sad if/when he emotionally starts to drift away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've always had a very close relationship with my son who is now 35. I'm a talker and his dad isn't so we've always been very close.

Is he married?

[Anonymous]

My son is a freshman in college. 8th grade was when he really started pulling away with a moodiness, anger, and rage I simply could not understand. It was almost like any effort I made - whether kind, neutral, or maternal was met with immediate hostility.

The stresses of high school just exacerbated it. He did well academically, but it was a struggle, and about 3/4 of the way through his freshman year, I had to virtually stop being involved because any effort or interest was met with instant anger.

His social circle was small, but pretty consistent. He had a girlfriend, a nasty breakup, and then another his senior year. He enjoyed video games and years of chorus, which I think he stayed in out of inertia more than anything.

As he withdrew from me, DH filled an ever-larger role. I think he was conflicted - confused at the growing distance between DS and me, relieved that DS hadn’t shut him out, too, and a little resentful that he had to handle virtually everything with DS. Things never really improved with us, and even innocuous conversations would escalate into confrontations - I would start with the best of intentions, but he would just push my buttons.

With him at college, not much has changed. We text occasionally, but my texts will sometimes go days with no response. It’s hard to reconcile what we’ve become with what we used to be.

[Anonymous]

I had a good relationship with my DS when he was a teen, and still do. It helped that DS was involved in activities that required a lot of driving (sports practices, games, etc) so we spent a lot of time in the car. I also drove sports carpools so knew his friends. And I also knew when not to pry or push on things and let him have some space. One thing that made a difference is that DS was our second so DD was away at college for his high school years so he was the only kid in the house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is a freshman in college. 8th grade was when he really started pulling away with a moodiness, anger, and rage I simply could not understand. It was almost like any effort I made - whether kind, neutral, or maternal was met with immediate hostility.

The stresses of high school just exacerbated it. He did well academically, but it was a struggle, and about 3/4 of the way through his freshman year, I had to virtually stop being involved because any effort or interest was met with instant anger.

His social circle was small, but pretty consistent. He had a girlfriend, a nasty breakup, and then another his senior year. He enjoyed video games and years of chorus, which I think he stayed in out of inertia more than anything.

As he withdrew from me, DH filled an ever-larger role. I think he was conflicted - confused at the growing distance between DS and me, relieved that DS hadn’t shut him out, too, and a little resentful that he had to handle virtually everything with DS. Things never really improved with us, and even innocuous conversations would escalate into confrontations - I would start with the best of intentions, but he would just push my buttons.

With him at college, not much has changed. We text occasionally, but my texts will sometimes go days with no response. It’s hard to reconcile what we’ve become with what we used to be.

I mean he’s becoming a man and this is what he thinks he needs to do — separate from mommy, no?

[Anonymous]

Thinking ahead to the future makes me so sad. I have trouble thinking to the future. My dh is a good son but is too busy for his parents. He never calls, never thinks of gifts. Dh is so incredibly overworked by his job (it is a public position) that he has only time for his family. He puts us first and tries so hard but yeah we don’t visit his parents much (8x a year?). They complain nonstop and never visit us. They’ve never once helped me. Last fall he was gone 3 weekends a month (Normal)and they wanted us his only weekend home at all. Hell no. They refer to home as his hometown but we live 4 hours away. I have a newborn as well as a toddler.

I can’t imagine life like that and I imagine it makes lots of boy moms not even care anymore. Boy moms abandon their sons when they need help because only the DILs need help. It’s all BS they tell themselves. I love my son and will treat both equally. I will hopefully raise him to call but I know my in-laws did that. Not sure what the answer is.

[Anonymous]

^I was thinking something similar. Haven’t found it hard to close to my preteen or teen boys — with many of the strategies above including shared interests, always being willing to listen even when they conveniently seek me out at midnight etc.

What I haven’t figured out though is how to impart that their family of origin is also important and it will be on THEM to make efforts with our side. In every relationship I’ve seen - DH, my parents, brothers, cousins — once they’re married, that’s it, it is all about the wife’s side of the family and seeing the husbands side is just an obligation — even if everyone gets along. Part of this is it’s always DILs making plans so if course when time is limited, they choose their sides; I don’t fault them. I fault the sons who otherwise were close to their parents/siblings and were good sons for shrugging and going along whether due to laziness, not wanting to piss off their wives, their kids always wanting their maternal grandparents bc they simply know them more bc they’re not excluded as often as paternal are etc. But it’s a tale as old as time — a sons a son until he takes a wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Thinking ahead to the future makes me so sad. I have trouble thinking to the future. My dh is a good son but is too busy for his parents. He never calls, never thinks of gifts. Dh is so incredibly overworked by his job (it is a public position) that he has only time for his family. He puts us first and tries so hard but yeah we don’t visit his parents much (8x a year?). They complain nonstop and never visit us. They’ve never once helped me. Last fall he was gone 3 weekends a month (Normal)and they wanted us his only weekend home at all. Hell no. They refer to home as his hometown but we live 4 hours away. I have a newborn as well as a toddler.

I can’t imagine life like that and I imagine it makes lots of boy moms not even care anymore. Boy moms abandon their sons when they need help because only the DILs need help. It’s all BS they tell themselves. I love my son and will treat both equally. I will hopefully raise him to call but I know my in-laws did that. Not sure what the answer is.

Nothing stopping you from building a relationship with them. You can call, send pictures and invite them to visit. I did that with my MIL who wasn't close to my husband. I became closer to her than he did. She was very loving and kind to me.

[Anonymous]

Dh and I have a close relationship with both of our teenage sons. We've always done things together as a family and we talk every day about what's going on our lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Such lovely answers. I was asking bc I have one son, an only, and hes so little, only three, but I’m so surprised how hard we laugh together and what a great time we have. I guess in a funny way it’s not something I was expecting about parenting. I know this is so earnest and naive of me, but I just want to do my best to keep this. Your thoughts are wonderful.

Mom to a 6 week old baby boy ... I am so happy to read this. TBH I was disappointed to find out I was having a boy, but this makes me smile!

[Anonymous]

I do. He turned out gay. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Such lovely answers. I was asking bc I have one son, an only, and hes so little, only three, but I’m so surprised how hard we laugh together and what a great time we have. I guess in a funny way it’s not something I was expecting about parenting. I know this is so earnest and naive of me, but I just want to do my best to keep this. Your thoughts are wonderful.

Mom to a 6 week old baby boy ... I am so happy to read this. TBH I was disappointed to find out I was having a boy, but this makes me smile!

I love having sons. They are wonderful and I have learned so much about men from watching them grow up. As for pps complaining about boys growing up and neglecting their parents, I believe that comes down to individual relationships, circumstances and values. I want my sons to grow up, marry and put their family first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^I was thinking something similar. Haven’t found it hard to close to my preteen or teen boys — with many of the strategies above including shared interests, always being willing to listen even when they conveniently seek me out at midnight etc.

What I haven’t figured out though is how to impart that their family of origin is also important and it will be on THEM to make efforts with our side. In every relationship I’ve seen - DH, my parents, brothers, cousins — once they’re married, that’s it, it is all about the wife’s side of the family and seeing the husbands side is just an obligation — even if everyone gets along. Part of this is it’s always DILs making plans so if course when time is limited, they choose their sides; I don’t fault them. I fault the sons who otherwise were close to their parents/siblings and were good sons for shrugging and going along whether due to laziness, not wanting to piss off their wives, their kids always wanting their maternal grandparents bc they simply know them more bc they’re not excluded as often as paternal are etc. But it’s a tale as old as time — a sons a son until he takes a wife.

This. You already sound like you’re going to be a terrible MIL, because of your attitude. You should work on developing a positive relationship with DIL and being the most helpful and kind person around so she *wants* to spend time with you.