I’m Considering Leaving My Wife for My Co-worker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know three different cases where the husband left the wife for a co-worker and in all three cases the second marriages are still very strong many years later.

Great. Your anecdotes don't change the data.

[Anonymous]

I know three different cases where the husband left the wife for a co-worker and in all three cases the second marriages are still very strong many years later.

Great. Your anecdotes don't change the data.

Wasn't trying to change anything. Just passing on my experience.

[Anonymous]

I know a coworker affair that turned into a marriage and kids. They are still together but I'm not sure they are happy. I think they put on a façade. But actually being married is way, way different from the excitement and joy of an affair.

They've been together over 30 years now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband could have written most of this letter a year ago. Like this part:

We’ve tried marriage counseling, but I think it has actually made things worse, because I have learned to express my feelings more, and my wife doesn’t like that I oppose her ideas or express that something she says upsets or hurts me. I feel much better when I am actually heard, but the resulting fights are frustrating because they are fruitless.

The kinds of things my husband was saying were like, 'I'm more attracted to my coworker and I don't enjoy spending time with you.' And I would respond negatively, and he really did take the lesson from that 'I'm not allowed to express my feelings.'

Are you still married?

Yes, but it's a very different marriage. It would have to be, right? You can't take that stuff back once it's said. I know he wishes he could. He has to live with being someone who said and did those things, and I feel much freer to take care of myself instead of trying to solve his problems. One of the things that our therapist said that was really helpful was that we should both go out and do more independently. I've taken her up on that.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully this guy goes with the co-worker and they have a great life together. Seems a perfect fit and something anyone would want to find in their life. Bravo!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband could have written most of this letter a year ago. Like this part:

We’ve tried marriage counseling, but I think it has actually made things worse, because I have learned to express my feelings more, and my wife doesn’t like that I oppose her ideas or express that something she says upsets or hurts me. I feel much better when I am actually heard, but the resulting fights are frustrating because they are fruitless.

The kinds of things my husband was saying were like, 'I'm more attracted to my coworker and I don't enjoy spending time with you.' And I would respond negatively, and he really did take the lesson from that 'I'm not allowed to express my feelings.'

Are you still married?

Yes, but it's a very different marriage. It would have to be, right? You can't take that stuff back once it's said. I know he wishes he could. He has to live with being someone who said and did those things, and I feel much freer to take care of myself instead of trying to solve his problems. One of the things that our therapist said that was really helpful was that we should both go out and do more independently. I've taken her up on that.

so this is interesting. How did you husband decide to stay in the marriage if those were his initial thoughts? Sounds like he is sort of remorseful now and so it's interesting. Good for you on being independent. How do you trust him when he's out being "independent"?

[Anonymous]

keep the wife and coworker as sidepiece duh no column needed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband could have written most of this letter a year ago. Like this part:

We’ve tried marriage counseling, but I think it has actually made things worse, because I have learned to express my feelings more, and my wife doesn’t like that I oppose her ideas or express that something she says upsets or hurts me. I feel much better when I am actually heard, but the resulting fights are frustrating because they are fruitless.

The kinds of things my husband was saying were like, 'I'm more attracted to my coworker and I don't enjoy spending time with you.' And I would respond negatively, and he really did take the lesson from that 'I'm not allowed to express my feelings.'

Are you still married?

Yes, but it's a very different marriage. It would have to be, right? You can't take that stuff back once it's said. I know he wishes he could. He has to live with being someone who said and did those things, and I feel much freer to take care of myself instead of trying to solve his problems. One of the things that our therapist said that was really helpful was that we should both go out and do more independently. I've taken her up on that.

so this is interesting. How did you husband decide to stay in the marriage if those were his initial thoughts? Sounds like he is sort of remorseful now and so it's interesting. Good for you on being independent. How do you trust him when he's out being "independent"?

He never wanted to leave, exactly. Like, he wasn't thinking straight. He wanted to move her into the basement. He didn't want to make choices. It was a mess. As for trusting him, it's complicated. I read his texts for months and then I stopped because it was stressing me out and there wasn't anything that was going to make me leave. He's not a very good liar, so I don't think he's doing anything I don't know about, but it's possible. I'm comfortable with that, and I don't care that much. It wasn't the sex that was the biggest issue, it was the, frankly, emotional abuse. He was incredibly unkind to me. And now he's gotten so much more kind and thoughtful.

[Anonymous]

^ thanks for responding. It’s hard to know what someone is thinking but I wonder if they really do regret what they did and conversely what keeps them stay in the marriage, I.e. the logistics or do they really care for you again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband could have written most of this letter a year ago. Like this part:

We’ve tried marriage counseling, but I think it has actually made things worse, because I have learned to express my feelings more, and my wife doesn’t like that I oppose her ideas or express that something she says upsets or hurts me. I feel much better when I am actually heard, but the resulting fights are frustrating because they are fruitless.

The kinds of things my husband was saying were like, 'I'm more attracted to my coworker and I don't enjoy spending time with you.' And I would respond negatively, and he really did take the lesson from that 'I'm not allowed to express my feelings.'

Are you still married?

Yes, but it's a very different marriage. It would have to be, right? You can't take that stuff back once it's said. I know he wishes he could. He has to live with being someone who said and did those things, and I feel much freer to take care of myself instead of trying to solve his problems. One of the things that our therapist said that was really helpful was that we should both go out and do more independently. I've taken her up on that.

so this is interesting. How did you husband decide to stay in the marriage if those were his initial thoughts? Sounds like he is sort of remorseful now and so it's interesting. Good for you on being independent. How do you trust him when he's out being "independent"?

He never wanted to leave, exactly. Like, he wasn't thinking straight. He wanted to move her into the basement. He didn't want to make choices. It was a mess. As for trusting him, it's complicated. I read his texts for months and then I stopped because it was stressing me out and there wasn't anything that was going to make me leave. He's not a very good liar, so I don't think he's doing anything I don't know about, but it's possible. I'm comfortable with that, and I don't care that much. It wasn't the sex that was the biggest issue, it was the, frankly, emotional abuse. He was incredibly unkind to me. And now he's gotten so much more kind and thoughtful.

In truth you're not that crazy about him after all that. You've no doubt weighed it all, and staying because of kids, assets and a decent retirement makes sense. Divorce divided by 2 is a big hit no matter who you are. I've seen many women in this situation, they're not dumb because they stay. They moved on like you, and their world is not the man.

That being said if you're sleeping with him I would make sure he's not cheating. As in spot checking him because your HEALTH is #1. If he's cheating it puts your STD and cancer risk at a higher category. fyi

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The grass may be greener on the other side, but wait until you have to mow it.

It's rarely better and you truly don't know from the outside. I have a family member and their not all that happy, her kid doesn't have much to do with her. From the outside they project a happy 2nd marriage. Same with another couple. He left a wife of 30 years and bragged to his kids how much happier he was. Well she died and he tried to get back with the ex wife. It's like FB, they project a lot of nonsense much of the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband left me for a co worker and they have been happily married for 8 yrs now. Shes a wonderful step mom. Playing out a lifetime movie in real time almost killed me. One day when my kids are adults I might tell them about the overlap but why ruin their ideals about their dad after all this time. I am here to tell you that this can happen and they can *sometimes* have their cake and eat it too. I just mention this bc a lot of times the person who is cheated on is consoled by the fact their ex will face impending doom. Well doomsday never came here.

My wife left me for a co-worker, who promptly lost her job and remained unemployed for three years while my ex supported her. They've been together 5 years and she's a reasonably benign person in my kid's life. She's also been a cheater for decades, so maybe not that she's employed she'll step out again. But, no impending doom here. For myself, I'm much happier and living a more fulfilling life than I did when I was married. If anyone out there is reading this by yourself on Valentines day after your spouse mysteriously disappeared for a few hours between work and home-it can get better, you can be happy. The best revenge is to live your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I know three different cases where the husband left the wife for a co-worker and in all three cases the second marriages are still very strong many years later.

Great. Your anecdotes don't change the data.

Wasn't trying to change anything. Just passing on my experience.

All second marriages fail at higher rates than first marriages. What I haven't seen is data comparing second marriages that involved an affair with 2nd marriages that didn't. Now, give me THAT data, and I'll believe you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband left me for a co worker and they have been happily married for 8 yrs now. Shes a wonderful step mom. Playing out a lifetime movie in real time almost killed me. One day when my kids are adults I might tell them about the overlap but why ruin their ideals about their dad after all this time. I am here to tell you that this can happen and they can *sometimes* have their cake and eat it too. I just mention this bc a lot of times the person who is cheated on is consoled by the fact their ex will face impending doom. Well doomsday never came here.

My wife left me for a co-worker, who promptly lost her job and remained unemployed for three years while my ex supported her. They've been together 5 years and she's a reasonably benign person in my kid's life. She's also been a cheater for decades, so maybe not that she's employed she'll step out again. But, no impending doom here. For myself, I'm much happier and living a more fulfilling life than I did when I was married. If anyone out there is reading this by yourself on Valentines day after your spouse mysteriously disappeared for a few hours between work and home-it can get better, you can be happy. The best revenge is to live your life.

+1000

[Anonymous]

My coworker left his SAH wife and 2 kids for another coworker. His kids were in college when he had babies with his second wife. They have been together about 10-12 years (who knows when it started) and seem reasonably happy. He is very close to his older kids and his ex wife is remarried. Life happens.