Reply to I’m Considering Leaving My Wife for My Co-worker

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Reply to "I’m Considering Leaving My Wife for My Co-worker"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]My husband could have written most of this letter a year ago. Like this part:

[quote]We’ve tried marriage counseling, but I think it has actually made things worse, because I have learned to express my feelings more, and my wife doesn’t like that I oppose her ideas or express that something she says upsets or hurts me. I feel much better when I am actually heard, but the resulting fights are frustrating because they are fruitless.[/quote]

The kinds of things my husband was saying were like, 'I'm more attracted to my coworker and I don't enjoy spending time with you.' And I would respond negatively, and he really did take the lesson from that 'I'm not allowed to express my feelings.' [/quote]

Are you still married? [/quote]

Yes, but it's a very different marriage. It would have to be, right? You can't take that stuff back once it's said. I know he wishes he could. He has to live with being someone who said and did those things, and I feel much freer to take care of myself instead of trying to solve his problems. One of the things that our therapist said that was really helpful was that we should both go out and do more independently. I've taken her up on that.[/quote]

so this is interesting.  How did you husband decide to stay in the marriage if those were his initial thoughts?  Sounds like he is sort of remorseful now and so it's interesting.  Good for you on being independent.  How do you trust him when he's out being "independent"?[/quote]

He never wanted to leave, exactly. Like, he wasn't thinking straight. He wanted to move her into the basement. He didn't want to make choices. It was a mess. As for trusting him, it's complicated. I read his texts for months and then I stopped because it was stressing me out and there wasn't anything that was going to make me leave. He's not a very good liar, so I don't think he's doing anything I don't know about, but it's possible. I'm comfortable with that, and I don't care that much. It wasn't the sex that was the biggest issue, it was the, frankly, emotional abuse. He was incredibly unkind to me. And now he's gotten so much more kind and thoughtful. [/quote]

In truth you're not that crazy about him after all that. You've no doubt weighed it all, and staying because of kids, assets and a decent retirement makes sense. Divorce divided by 2 is a big hit no matter who you are. I've seen many women in this situation, they're not dumb because they stay. They moved on like you, and their world is not the man.

That being said if you're sleeping with him I would make sure he's not cheating. As in spot checking him because your HEALTH is #1. If he's cheating it puts your STD and cancer risk at a higher category. fyi[/quote]

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