I’m Considering Leaving My Wife for My Co-worker

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband left me for a co worker and they have been happily married for 8 yrs now. Shes a wonderful step mom. Playing out a lifetime movie in real time almost killed me. One day when my kids are adults I might tell them about the overlap but why ruin their ideals about their dad after all this time. I am here to tell you that this can happen and they can *sometimes* have their cake and eat it too. I just mention this bc a lot of times the person who is cheated on is consoled by the fact their ex will face impending doom. Well doomsday never came here.

How old is she?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No surprise that the majority of marriages that begin as an affair do not work.

Running around from bar to bar drinking and sharing "deep thoughts" is more fun than life with wife which includes responsibilities to kids, financial struggles, chores, etc.? Shocker.

What kind of person can't see that the second relationship will lose luster once all of the day to day struggles become a part of that relationship as well?

Yup, this.

It's not that second relationships can never work, it's that this guy has zero awareness of the specific elements at play here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband left me for a co worker and they have been happily married for 8 yrs now. Shes a wonderful step mom. Playing out a lifetime movie in real time almost killed me. One day when my kids are adults I might tell them about the overlap but why ruin their ideals about their dad after all this time. I am here to tell you that this can happen and they can *sometimes* have their cake and eat it too. I just mention this bc a lot of times the person who is cheated on is consoled by the fact their ex will face impending doom. Well doomsday never came here.

Yes, of course, there can be a better ending, but how often does that happen? Hard to say.

I think this part is so true:

You say the spark is no longer in your marriage (and on a positive note, you remember the spark), but many parents entrenched in the day-to-day with infants or toddlers feel this way, and seek out, either in fantasy or reality, a welcome escape from the sometimes mundane, roommate-like existence that couples can fall into during this phase of life....
Moreover, if you two eventually have children together, you may find yourself five or 10 years from now wondering how you ended up in the same situation once again: content, but with decreased intimacy, increased tension, and a nagging sense that Mocha Almond Fudge is an even better flavor of ice cream than Rocky Road.

Most of life is mundane, and hard when you have kids. IMO, like the guy in the article, most people who have "vanilla" marriages see affairs as an escape from the mundane or stresses of being a working parent. The person you are having an affair with hasn't had to deal with your everday sh1t for the past x years. It's like when you first started dating the person you are married to. The sparks and passion are there because it's new. Fast forward 10 years, and that spark too will be gone. Then what? Then you are older so those sparks don't matter anymore? That screams immaturity and selfishness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn't my situation, but one in the advice column in The Atlantic. I'm posting it here because potential infidelity is a theme in this forum, and because I'm really impressed with this particular author's column. The advice is always rock solid and well written:

https://www.theatlantic.com/family/archive/2020/02/should-i-leave-my-wife-another-woman/606202/

I kind of feel like this is a song as old as time. I can think of two of my law school classmates that busted up their partner's marriages - and one of them had just gotten married in a HUGE wedding to another classmate of ours!

[Anonymous]

People who aren’t open to cheating on their spouses don’t put themselves in positions like this. You can drink and bar hop with any attractive person on a business trip and suddenly realize they’re your “soulmate.” The boundaries have to be in your own mind from the beginning.

[Anonymous]

As an aside, if you never learn anything from this site, never go to marriage counselling if your partner is cheating. It will not help.

[Anonymous]

My husband could have written most of this letter a year ago. Like this part:

We’ve tried marriage counseling, but I think it has actually made things worse, because I have learned to express my feelings more, and my wife doesn’t like that I oppose her ideas or express that something she says upsets or hurts me. I feel much better when I am actually heard, but the resulting fights are frustrating because they are fruitless.

The kinds of things my husband was saying were like, 'I'm more attracted to my coworker and I don't enjoy spending time with you.' And I would respond negatively, and he really did take the lesson from that 'I'm not allowed to express my feelings.'

[Anonymous]

This kind of situation happened long time ago with my boss and my colleague (his subordinate). He left his wife and 2 kids for my colleague, married her and had a child. I later found out that they divorced after a couple of years. Meanwhile his older kids did not want to see him. I don’t know the situation now since it’s been a while but it was even back then a a big deal at work place.

[Anonymous]

I also think that in many cases when this "works out" it's more embarrassment and stubbornness on the part of the new couple when they truly aren't any happier than they were in their first marriages. Of course, some of that could feel real because they've grown from their experience, but it's rare that you break up your family for another person and it's a big improvement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I also think that in many cases when this "works out" it's more embarrassment and stubbornness on the part of the new couple when they truly aren't any happier than they were in their first marriages. Of course, some of that could feel real because they've grown from their experience, but it's rare that you break up your family for another person and it's a big improvement.

*meaning, their expectations are lower.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband could have written most of this letter a year ago. Like this part:

We’ve tried marriage counseling, but I think it has actually made things worse, because I have learned to express my feelings more, and my wife doesn’t like that I oppose her ideas or express that something she says upsets or hurts me. I feel much better when I am actually heard, but the resulting fights are frustrating because they are fruitless.

The kinds of things my husband was saying were like, 'I'm more attracted to my coworker and I don't enjoy spending time with you.' And I would respond negatively, and he really did take the lesson from that 'I'm not allowed to express my feelings.'

Oh goodness your DH sounds like a teenager taking the wrong lessons. Hope you are well.

[Anonymous]

I know three different cases where the husband left the wife for a co-worker and in all three cases the second marriages are still very strong many years later.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know three different cases where the husband left the wife for a co-worker and in all three cases the second marriages are still very strong many years later.

Its interesting that my experience has been the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband could have written most of this letter a year ago. Like this part:

We’ve tried marriage counseling, but I think it has actually made things worse, because I have learned to express my feelings more, and my wife doesn’t like that I oppose her ideas or express that something she says upsets or hurts me. I feel much better when I am actually heard, but the resulting fights are frustrating because they are fruitless.

The kinds of things my husband was saying were like, 'I'm more attracted to my coworker and I don't enjoy spending time with you.' And I would respond negatively, and he really did take the lesson from that 'I'm not allowed to express my feelings.'

Are you still married?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean, this happened at my workplace with two people I work with.

His kids call her mom now, too.

And she lets them call her mom?