Keeping old secrets from spouse

[Anonymous]

My spouse was able to identify his biological father (who never did a dna test) with 2nd cousin matches on his paternal grandparents families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My college gf and I had a baby that we put up for adoption 24 years ago. y wife of 15 years has no idea and never will.

Good luck with that. One day, that child may come knocking on the door with the results of a DNA test and records that are much easier to track in 2005 than they were in 1985. A lot is electronic now.

Extremely unlikely. It would have happened already if it was so easy.

The child is only 24. Plenty of time for him or her to want to track pp down in the future. Think: when she had his or her own kids. Or when his or her parents pass away. Or mid life crisis time. Or health crisis time.

+1 from a 30yo adoptée who didn’t care to find my biological family until I got pregnant and had to answer family history questions a few times in the span of a few weeks. When it was just me, “wait and see” was a fine approach to my health. Being pregnant, I wanted to know as much as I could.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My college gf and I had a baby that we put up for adoption 24 years ago. y wife of 15 years has no idea and never will.

Zero judgment on the adoption but there’s no guarantee your wife won’t find out in the era of dna testing. The baby might seek you out.

Yup. Your wife is going to find out about this unless you can somehow guarantee that NOONE in your extended family does 23 and me.

That's not how 23 and me works. If I were to do 23 and me tomorrow its not like they send out notices to everyone that I'm remotely related to.

Are you a moron? Because that’s exactly how 23 and me works! I found out I had a half sibling when I got an email about new relatives after I did the test. You are dumb. Tell your wife!

[Anonymous]

Op again- I have over 1500 relatives or people related to me on 23 and me and I’ve only been on there 6 months. Good luck, buddy!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again- I have over 1500 relatives or people related to me on 23 and me and I’ve only been on there 6 months. Good luck, buddy!!

And yet there are literally 23,000 unsolved rape cases in the state of Virginia alone- all with DNA evidence. 23 qnd me can't solve them but some kid from 24 years ago will find his dad. Right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it be. Every 3-4 years, my CC gets out of control-because I don’t pay it in full and eventually it catches up with me. I then tell my spouse about it, who then pays it in full. Sometimes it’s better to try and manage on your own. If you’ve paid it all down, let it die.

My spouse does this and I f'ing hate it. Manage your spending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My college gf and I had a baby that we put up for adoption 24 years ago. y wife of 15 years has no idea and never will.

Zero judgment on the adoption but there’s no guarantee your wife won’t find out in the era of dna testing. The baby might seek you out.

Realistically, if this happens at all, the child will either e-mail or call PP rather than going to knock on PP's door and PP can decide what he wants to do at that point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My college gf and I had a baby that we put up for adoption 24 years ago. y wife of 15 years has no idea and never will.

My MIL is your (third) wife and just found out about the kid that everyone thought was an adopted grandkid, but was really a bio kid. Bio kid just found out too because her own kids wanted to know who their bio grandparents were. I can assure you, from a place of deep pain, that this secret is destroying a lot of lives right now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let it be. Every 3-4 years, my CC gets out of control-because I don’t pay it in full and eventually it catches up with me. I then tell my spouse about it, who then pays it in full. Sometimes it’s better to try and manage on your own. If you’ve paid it all down, let it die.

Don't take advice from this person. They just spend money and then have their spouse pay it down after running up months of interest charges at like 30%?!? This is TERRIBLE advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My college gf and I had a baby that we put up for adoption 24 years ago. y wife of 15 years has no idea and never will.

Wow. I would be so pissed if I found out you had kept that from me. You don't think that kid is going to find you some day? It happens all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My college gf and I had a baby that we put up for adoption 24 years ago. y wife of 15 years has no idea and never will.

My MIL is your (third) wife and just found out about the kid that everyone thought was an adopted grandkid, but was really a bio kid. Bio kid just found out too because her own kids wanted to know who their bio grandparents were. I can assure you, from a place of deep pain, that this secret is destroying a lot of lives right now.

I don't understand your story. Someone came home with a kid and told everyone said kid was adopted but it was really their bio kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My college gf and I had a baby that we put up for adoption 24 years ago. y wife of 15 years has no idea and never will.

My MIL is your (third) wife and just found out about the kid that everyone thought was an adopted grandkid, but was really a bio kid. Bio kid just found out too because her own kids wanted to know who their bio grandparents were. I can assure you, from a place of deep pain, that this secret is destroying a lot of lives right now.

I don't understand your story. Someone came home with a kid and told everyone said kid was adopted but it was really their bio kid?

This is how it always used to be done. Daughter goes to stay with an "aunt" for several months, comes home and suddenly Mom and Dad decide to adopt a newborn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My college gf and I had a baby that we put up for adoption 24 years ago. y wife of 15 years has no idea and never will.

Zero judgment on the adoption but there’s no guarantee your wife won’t find out in the era of dna testing. The baby might seek you out.

Realistically, if this happens at all, the child will either e-mail or call PP rather than going to knock on PP's door and PP can decide what he wants to do at that point.

Who knows if this is true? I have a friend who searched for her bio faher when she was early 40's. She discovered that he was giving a talk and she went to the talk. After the talk, she approached him. She did not say she was his daughter (chickened out) but she did meet him and made an appt for a later time, and then told him. It turned out to be a happy story, but it easily could have gone the other way. Point being, just like OP is crazy to confidently think he's out of the woods since the child is now 24, you can't assume how the person would choose to make contact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My college gf and I had a baby that we put up for adoption 24 years ago. y wife of 15 years has no idea and never will.

Zero judgment on the adoption but there’s no guarantee your wife won’t find out in the era of dna testing. The baby might seek you out.

Realistically, if this happens at all, the child will either e-mail or call PP rather than going to knock on PP's door and PP can decide what he wants to do at that point.

Who knows if this is true? I have a friend who searched for her bio faher when she was early 40's. She discovered that he was giving a talk and she went to the talk. After the talk, she approached him. She did not say she was his daughter (chickened out) but she did meet him and made an appt for a later time, and then told him. It turned out to be a happy story, but it easily could have gone the other way. Point being, just like OP is crazy to confidently think he's out of the woods since the child is now 24, you can't assume how the person would choose to make contact.

It would be pretty stupid to show up on someone's doorstep especially if you live in a different town because you have no idea if they will be there and you may have wasted a bunch of time. It's also not courteous to just show up to someone's house without calling ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My college gf and I had a baby that we put up for adoption 24 years ago. y wife of 15 years has no idea and never will.

My MIL is your (third) wife and just found out about the kid that everyone thought was an adopted grandkid, but was really a bio kid. Bio kid just found out too because her own kids wanted to know who their bio grandparents were. I can assure you, from a place of deep pain, that this secret is destroying a lot of lives right now.

I don't understand your story. Someone came home with a kid and told everyone said kid was adopted but it was really their bio kid?

This is how it always used to be done. Daughter goes to stay with an "aunt" for several months, comes home and suddenly Mom and Dad decide to adopt a newborn.

Akin to this. And we're still trying to understand the story too. Lots of layers of secrecy to it.