How have you handled Grandparents who smoke?

[Anonymous]

We gave my very stubborn father the choice to smoke outside, wash hands, and wear a jacket/shirt that he would take on and off - in his own house or ours. Surprisingly he agreed and the only time that slipped was when it was freezing and he would smoke in the bathroom with the window open. With pressure from my sister, he has now switched to vaping and it's a thousand times better, but I don't love that he feels okay doing it in the house. But we see him 1-2 times a year and it's not a hill worth dying on now that the kids are preschool aged.

I really expected him to put up a fight about it, but I think my mom and sister worked on him, plus the lure of his first grandchild made him uncharacteristically willing to compromise.

[Anonymous]

about vaping - is there any research on if it's better or worse second hand? (or third)

[Anonymous]

Pay for her to stay in a hotel. She may not smoke, at all, when she is around your kids. If she wants to hold the baby, she can put on a pair of sweats or something you buy and keep at your house.

[Anonymous]

She can stay in a hotel, or she can stay with you and smoke outside.

[Anonymous]

I would be so very hurt if my parent chose smoking, of all things, over my baby's health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:about vaping - is there any research on if it's better or worse second hand? (or third)

It's definitely better than second hand tobacco smoke, but it is likely not entirely safe. There hasn't been enough research on it yet, but there are not great chemicals in e-cigarette smoke that impact air quality. But the question is how great of an impact is it? Is it like being in a new car (which is full of VOCs but people typically don't ban children from new cars) or is it like standing at a bus stop? Or worse? When you're talking about grandparents visiting, you could be talking about a few days per year or a few days per week. It also matters if it's a newborn or child with asthma or a healthy older kid. More research is needed to know the degree of risk.

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/S1438463913001533

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:about vaping - is there any research on if it's better or worse second hand? (or third)

The secondhand smoke issue might be better, but there's the little wrinkle that it seems to produce this horrible consequence of killing people relatively quickly. At least cigarettes slowly rot your lungs and throat. Vaping seems to be able to do it much more quickly.

[Anonymous]

A smoking jacket and she does it outside. Jacket stays in the garage or other outside area. Washes hands when she comes in. You could also say she can't hold the baby for a bit after she comes in. If she's just visiting, the exposure should be pretty low. Find things out of the house to do to keep her from bringing the fumes in.

I HATE smoking, but I would not scold and shame a grown woman about this by keeping her grandchild away from her.

[Anonymous]

Um, doesn’t *everyone* wash their hands before touching a newborn?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:about vaping - is there any research on if it's better or worse second hand? (or third)

The secondhand smoke issue might be better, but there's the little wrinkle that it seems to produce this horrible consequence of killing people relatively quickly. At least cigarettes slowly rot your lungs and throat. Vaping seems to be able to do it much more quickly.

If you use a tainted black market marijuana vape...

[Anonymous]

New research
https://newscenter.lbl.gov/2022/08/15/thirdhand-smoke-exposures/

I do hope smoking becomes a mandatory disclosure for housing. If anyone in the family who lived there has been a smoker-even an outside smoker- it must be disclosed.

[Anonymous]

Your kid is not going to get cancer from third-hand smoke because he spends a week in the presence of his grandma. Ask grandma to smoke outside and wash hands face immediately afterward. If your kid asks about grandma smoking, explain about addiction and how bad smoking is for you without villanizing grandma.

As a former smoker with a parent that still smokes, asking a longtime smoke to quit cold turkey so they can visit you is just asking for your kid to never see their grandparent. You have to think about the long-term effects of that, as well, and balance it against a *realistic* judgment about the actual physical danger to your kid.

[Anonymous]

I cut her off for that exact reason. She never met DS2. She ended up quiting completely 4 years later, but it's been 10 years now and she still hasn't met him. Not my problem, since smoking was more important than her own grandchildren.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cut her off for that exact reason. She never met DS2. She ended up quiting completely 4 years later, but it's been 10 years now and she still hasn't met him. Not my problem, since smoking was more important than her own grandchildren.

Yikes. I absolutely despise smoking but would despise having someone like you in my life even more. Smoking is an addiction. It’s one thing to put in boundaries, another to cut off family who struggle with something, even if you don’t understand it. It sounds like you lack empathy and likely need help yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We gave my very stubborn father the choice to smoke outside, wash hands, and wear a jacket/shirt that he would take on and off - in his own house or ours. Surprisingly he agreed and the only time that slipped was when it was freezing and he would smoke in the bathroom with the window open. With pressure from my sister, he has now switched to vaping and it's a thousand times better, but I don't love that he feels okay doing it in the house. But we see him 1-2 times a year and it's not a hill worth dying on now that the kids are preschool aged.

I really expected him to put up a fight about it, but I think my mom and sister worked on him, plus the lure of his first grandchild made him uncharacteristically willing to compromise.

You cannot force anyone to quit anything unless they want to quit smoking, drinking, o eating, etc. You can tell them that they may not smoke in your house or even in your yard. You can also request that they wear a paper gown over their smoke infused clothing. To do so would probably make a few people angry. But the "no outside shoes worn in house" people get away with their rigid rules.