How have you handled Grandparents who smoke?

[Anonymous]

We have asked DH’s mom to quit or at least agree to not smoke when she visits to meet DS. She has always agreed. But when it came time to book her ticket she did a total about face and is saying she can’t not smoke and doesn’t think it’s a big deal. And she won’t be coming to visit anymore. I feel really bad for my DH, and I’m not sure how to handle this moving forward.

[Anonymous]

My MIL quit but my brother still smokes. He visits a couple times a year and smokes outside. I really don’t think it’s a big deal given that he doesn’t live nearby. It’s pretyy minimal smoke exposure.

[Anonymous]

My kid’s godmother smokes and has visited a few times (from out of state). Agree with the PP, it’s not a big deal. She smokes outside and washes up/airs herself out before she goes back to holding or playing with our son. If your MIL is willing to curb the smoking and do it in a designated place away from your kid, I’d make that compromise. A child meeting/spending time with its grandparents and vice versa is important.

[Anonymous]

Let her smoke outside.

[Anonymous]

Third-hand smoke is a real risk. Your child, your rules.

https://health.clevelandclinic.org/5-things-you-should-know-about-the-risks-of-thirdhand-smoke/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid’s godmother smokes and has visited a few times (from out of state). Agree with the PP, it’s not a big deal. She smokes outside and washes up/airs herself out before she goes back to holding or playing with our son. If your MIL is willing to curb the smoking and do it in a designated place away from your kid, I’d make that compromise. A child meeting/spending time with its grandparents and vice versa is important.

More important than a little baby inhaling carcinogens? GTFO.

[Anonymous]

She smoked outside. She is no longer living and I sure wish she was.

[Anonymous]

My parents live in Europe, visit once every two years, smoke and will never stop. They do not smoke indoors. When my kids were newborns, my parents had to wash their hands and gargle, and if their clothes reeked, they would change before holding their grandkids. When my kids were older, they did not take these precautions.

I think we hit on an acceptable compromise.

[Anonymous]

DON'T sacrifice your child's health for your mother in law irresponsible act toward her grandchild!! my mom is a smoker and I never allowed her to touch my toddler until she washes her hand, mouth and change her clothes everytime she smoked

[Anonymous]

Thanks for the perspectives everyone. I should add my MIL also said that she smoked with both of her children while pregnant and she doesn’t think it was a problem. So. Yeah.

[Anonymous]

Somehow we all survived these many years of the 20th century with people smoking. I’m so glad my children have such strong constitutions I was happy to have them held by someone who infrequently has contact but smoked when she did. We all lived and thrived. God bless our strong genes I suppose.

[Anonymous]

My kids were preemies and my in-laws definitely behaved better in those early couple of years when I wasn't willing to take any risks. So hid smoking best they could and aired themselves out to the point it was hard to complain.

Now, kids are 5 and they no longer hide it. So, my kids tell them smoking is terrible, gross, the guest rooms smells etc. and I don't tell the kids to be polite. (Normally, I wouldn't allow even a smidgen of that kind of back talk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somehow we all survived these many years of the 20th century with people smoking. I’m so glad my children have such strong constitutions I was happy to have them held by someone who infrequently has contact but smoked when she did. We all lived and thrived. God bless our strong genes I suppose.

Actually no, many people didn’t. 480,000 per year to be exact:

https://www.cdc.gov/tobacco/data_statistics/fact_sheets/health_effects/tobacco_related_mortality/index.htm#cigs

[Anonymous]

I tried to convince my parents to quit for their grandchildren and thought I was going to make some sort of principled stand, but at the end of the day they help me a lot with the kids and when DD1 was born I let it slide. They smoke outside and wash their hands and I give them a hard time about it and hope they’ll quit someday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid’s godmother smokes and has visited a few times (from out of state). Agree with the PP, it’s not a big deal. She smokes outside and washes up/airs herself out before she goes back to holding or playing with our son. If your MIL is willing to curb the smoking and do it in a designated place away from your kid, I’d make that compromise. A child meeting/spending time with its grandparents and vice versa is important.

More important than a little baby inhaling carcinogens? GTFO.

No one is suggesting OP lets her MIL smoke in the house or near the child. Suggestions are that she do it outside and then wash, change clothes etc. The research on third hand smoke and carcinogens (such as what is posted by a PP) is based on smoking indoors—and residue on carpets, surfaces, clothing. That’s not the situation being suggested to OP. Sure, the ideal would be for OP’s MIL or my kid’s godmother to quit smoking. But that’s probably not going to happen—in the godmother’s case she has tried and gone back to it more than once and there’s a lot of trauma in her past. She’s an adult, she knows how we feel about the smoking but in the end I’d rather have her in my kid’s life—flaws and all—than out of it. So we compromise for the dozen or so days a year when she is with us to reduce risks of her habit for the baby.