How have you handled Grandparents who smoke?

[Anonymous]

You know what? Daycare teachers smoke during their breaks and they don't change clothes or wash their hands afterwards.

That would be more of a concern to me than a grandparent who visits infrequently.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid’s godmother smokes and has visited a few times (from out of state). Agree with the PP, it’s not a big deal. She smokes outside and washes up/airs herself out before she goes back to holding or playing with our son. If your MIL is willing to curb the smoking and do it in a designated place away from your kid, I’d make that compromise. A child meeting/spending time with its grandparents and vice versa is important.

More important than a little baby inhaling carcinogens? GTFO.

No one is suggesting OP lets her MIL smoke in the house or near the child. Suggestions are that she do it outside and then wash, change clothes etc. The research on third hand smoke and carcinogens (such as what is posted by a PP) is based on smoking indoors—and residue on carpets, surfaces, clothing. That’s not the situation being suggested to OP. Sure, the ideal would be for OP’s MIL or my kid’s godmother to quit smoking. But that’s probably not going to happen—in the godmother’s case she has tried and gone back to it more than once and there’s a lot of trauma in her past. She’s an adult, she knows how we feel about the smoking but in the end I’d rather have her in my kid’s life—flaws and all—than out of it. So we compromise for the dozen or so days a year when she is with us to reduce risks of her habit for the baby.

Smoking isn’t a flaw. It’s dangerous for everyone, but especially babies with developing lungs. Sorry you don’t seem to understand that.

[Anonymous]

Can she vape while she's visiting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You know what? Daycare teachers smoke during their breaks and they don't change clothes or wash their hands afterwards.

That would be more of a concern to me than a grandparent who visits infrequently.

Are you sure about that?

[Anonymous]

This is not that big a deal. She smokes outside and she washes her hands. It’s not like she lives with you or is providing childcare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid’s godmother smokes and has visited a few times (from out of state). Agree with the PP, it’s not a big deal. She smokes outside and washes up/airs herself out before she goes back to holding or playing with our son. If your MIL is willing to curb the smoking and do it in a designated place away from your kid, I’d make that compromise. A child meeting/spending time with its grandparents and vice versa is important.

More important than a little baby inhaling carcinogens? GTFO.

No one is suggesting OP lets her MIL smoke in the house or near the child. Suggestions are that she do it outside and then wash, change clothes etc. The research on third hand smoke and carcinogens (such as what is posted by a PP) is based on smoking indoors—and residue on carpets, surfaces, clothing. That’s not the situation being suggested to OP. Sure, the ideal would be for OP’s MIL or my kid’s godmother to quit smoking. But that’s probably not going to happen—in the godmother’s case she has tried and gone back to it more than once and there’s a lot of trauma in her past. She’s an adult, she knows how we feel about the smoking but in the end I’d rather have her in my kid’s life—flaws and all—than out of it. So we compromise for the dozen or so days a year when she is with us to reduce risks of her habit for the baby.

Smoking isn’t a flaw. It’s dangerous for everyone, but especially babies with developing lungs. Sorry you don’t seem to understand that.

There is basically zero evidence that third hand smoke in a situation like this is dangerous. There is a lot of evidence that having good meaningful relationships with grandparents is beneficial to kids. Im going to go with science and let grandma visit and just have her only smoke outside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somehow we all survived these many years of the 20th century with people smoking. I’m so glad my children have such strong constitutions I was happy to have them held by someone who infrequently has contact but smoked when she did. We all lived and thrived. God bless our strong genes I suppose.

Except those who didn't. I never met my maternal grandmother. She died of lung cancer when my mother was 9. I can't tell you the full extent of the lifelong lasting impacts my grandmother's death had on my mother, but with a father who financially and emotionally abandoned her for the new wife and baby, serious depression resulting in attempted suicide in high school, and dropping out of college because my grandfather wouldn't support her, let's stop there and just call them life-altering.

People can quit if they're motivated enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Somehow we all survived these many years of the 20th century with people smoking. I’m so glad my children have such strong constitutions I was happy to have them held by someone who infrequently has contact but smoked when she did. We all lived and thrived. God bless our strong genes I suppose.

Except those who didn't. I never met my maternal grandmother. She died of lung cancer when my mother was 9. I can't tell you the full extent of the lifelong lasting impacts my grandmother's death had on my mother, but with a father who financially and emotionally abandoned her for the new wife and baby, serious depression resulting in attempted suicide in high school, and dropping out of college because my grandfather wouldn't support her, let's stop there and just call them life-altering.

People can quit if they're motivated enough.

Nobody is suggesting OP start having her newborn smoke. Your grandmother (and my grandmother) did not die because they were occasionally held by someone who smoked.

[Anonymous]

My mom smokes, though she has cut back significantly in the last ten years. After my son was born, when she was visiting, this was her routine: she would only smoke outside in her car, and she wore a shirt over her clothes. She washed her hands once back inside. She smoked only once a day, and this routine was something she initiated herself (I didn't bring up smoking around the baby, and she has never smoked inside my home prior to this). This routine was acceptable to me. As my son has gotten older, she has cut back even more, to maybe once or twice a week.

[Anonymous]

I had strong boundaries (and I am a former smoker). I told my father we would not be bringing my baby to his house since his wife smokes. We meet them out. FWIW she has quit in the past two years...maybe this motivated her? Who knows. I felt weird saying it but then it felt like a relief to get it off my chest, be clear, and take the pressure off of visiting.

[Anonymous]

I was extremely anxious about second/third hand smoke. I told my mother she couldn't be around my baby unless she quit, at least not for the first few months when the SIDS risk is highest. She smoked 1-2 packs a day and even if she changed her clothes/washed her hands would have reeked of it. I grew up with it, have asthma, and am now very sensitive to it (wheezing and burning eyes after hugging her) so I just couldn't imagine having a brand new baby exposed to that. I did not like having this conversation with her - I felt like absolute shit about it - but I felt like I had to do it. She actually quit, which was a huge surprise.

I recognize my approach may have been over the top and that not everyone smokes like she did, but my real point here is just that you're totally justified in setting whatever ground rules you and DH are comfortable with.

[Anonymous]

My dad smokes. Even at his own house, he only smokes outside, so same goes for my house. We also required that he enter through the basement upon returning from smoking and wash hands and face in the bathroom down there. He wore a jacket over his clothes and removed that in the basement too so his clothes didn't smell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Somehow we all survived these many years of the 20th century with people smoking. I’m so glad my children have such strong constitutions I was happy to have them held by someone who infrequently has contact but smoked when she did. We all lived and thrived. God bless our strong genes I suppose.

I agree with others that minimal/occasional contact with a close relative who smokes is fine, but this post is quite misguided. Second and third-hand smoke pose real dangers.

[Anonymous]

My dad and brother smoke and live a few hours away. We didn’t visit their house until baby was 9 months old. They smoked outside while we were there. We requested that a blanket be between baby and them to limit exposure to the Smokey smell in the clothes and they were as compliant as one can hope. When they visit at our house they don’t smoke inside.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Somehow we all survived these many years of the 20th century with people smoking. I’m so glad my children have such strong constitutions I was happy to have them held by someone who infrequently has contact but smoked when she did. We all lived and thrived. God bless our strong genes I suppose.

I agree with others that minimal/occasional contact with a close relative who smokes is fine, but this post is quite misguided. Second and third-hand smoke pose real dangers.

Second hand for sure. Third hand I have seen nothing compelling for.