What are your dating rules for DD?

[Anonymous]

At this point you can have some expectations re curfew etc but that’s about it. Absolutely maintain your relationship with her. Genuinely ask about her life , be approachable. No lecturing. She’s on birth control, right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's in your house you do get to set some rules: want to know generally where and with whom and when you'll be home (adults should be doing this with other adults in the house as a matter of courtesy, too). I think a curfew is fine but midnight (at least on a weekend) is not reasonable for an 18 yo.

I would explain some of your concerns:
-not meeting the guy and her not meeting him in public places at first (if that is the case, not clear from your post). People lie on dating apps. Plus, it's just disrespectful.
-talk to her about seeing a doctor for contraception and so she can ask any questions in private.
-don't start out by badmouthing him to her over the age difference. Just speak to her about your concerns and things to be aware of (controlling, etc.) if you start out badmouthing it may have the opposite effect.

I think you're limited here, though not without some input. Your DH's desire to throw her out of house is, frankly, absurd and a gross over-reaction. So I suggest dealing with him, as well.

Thank you. Yes, DH tends to overreact a lot. Yes, separate problem, but a real one too. She is in therapy. She is on contraception. I agree about not badmouthing him, etc. Keep trying to explain this to DH.

NP. Her father "overreacting a lot" is not a "separate problem", it's the same problem. And the fact that you can't see it as the same problem tells me that you're a problem too. Honestly, at this point, "kicking her out" might actually be the best thing for her, if she can go no contact with you both and really start getting some self esteem. Of course, she should not be dating anyone while doing this. Since she's still at school though, and relies on you for financial support, it's pretty tricky. I hope she has a good therapist who sees things for what they are and can guide her properly.

I wish I'd figured all of this out earlier for myself - it would have saved me from getting into a really sh!tty marriage.

+So much on that last sentence. Almost all the women I know who had bad early marriages were trying to get away from a dad who was controlling and belittling and/or abusive.

[Anonymous]

She's 18, eh? My answer would change if she were an 18 year old out of high school. She is dating younger young men. My rule is: the rules are determined taking into account the age of the younger person - so whatever rules seem appropriate for a 17 year old (I assume she's not dating 16 year old juniors)

Even if the other person is 18, they are still in high school. And Juniors. Best to use age 17 as your comfort point in making decisions.

[Anonymous]

He's also much older (24). She has broken curfew twice now.

I'm at a loss. DH wants to throw her out. I want harmony and to work with her on this.

Ick

[Anonymous]

OP, this isn't about dating rules. Your DD is way off track

[Anonymous]

Stay involved and "get to know" the man she is dating. At 19 I was dating a 29 year old and my mom hated it. She didn't push me away but didn't enable the relationship either. She stayed involved enough to know who I was with and that I was safe. The relationship lasted 6 months; long enough for me to realize the guy was a loser.

[Anonymous]

Don't get pregnant and don't get an STD!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stay involved and "get to know" the man she is dating. At 19 I was dating a 29 year old and my mom hated it. She didn't push me away but didn't enable the relationship either. She stayed involved enough to know who I was with and that I was safe. The relationship lasted 6 months; long enough for me to realize the guy was a loser.

OP. Yes, this is exactly the tactic I am taking. So far, it's not working. We keep inviting him over or to events..and he declines. I want her to keep confiding in me so she can hear aloud the 'red flags' herself, without me pointing them out. DH thinks I am being a wimp and would rather disallow her from seeing this guy again. I know that won't work and would backfire. Yes, all of us are in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Stay involved and "get to know" the man she is dating. At 19 I was dating a 29 year old and my mom hated it. She didn't push me away but didn't enable the relationship either. She stayed involved enough to know who I was with and that I was safe. The relationship lasted 6 months; long enough for me to realize the guy was a loser.

OP. Yes, this is exactly the tactic I am taking. So far, it's not working. We keep inviting him over or to events..and he declines. I want her to keep confiding in me so she can hear aloud the 'red flags' herself, without me pointing them out. DH thinks I am being a wimp and would rather disallow her from seeing this guy again. I know that won't work and would backfire. Yes, all of us are in therapy.

Keep in mind the goal isn't to win him over. The goal is to leave enough subtle hints for him know that you are an involved family. While you will be inclined to fight with her, all that will do is give her something to take back to him and bitch about. Which will only serve to strengthen their relationship. Focus on strengthening your relationship with her so that you stay in the loop.

[Anonymous]

I think you are on the right track. Also when you're inclined to point out a red flag, ask her a question instead and if you must voice your opinion, use an "I statement" which will come across less judgmental (i.e. "When I dated a guy in college who xxxx, sometimes I felt yyyy, does that every happened to you"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep daughters with controlling dads often wind up in controlling relationships. Dad made his bed on this one.

This

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of my girls know there is no dating until graduate school.

The man is NOT the plan.

This is so weird! I’d rather they have some dating practice while under my roof for guidance! And...I’ve never married so it’s not about the “man” it’s about how to navigate this territory too...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Both of my girls know there is no dating until graduate school.

The man is NOT the plan.

This is so weird! I’d rather they have some dating practice while under my roof for guidance! And...I’ve never married so it’s not about the “man” it’s about how to navigate this territory too...

My rule is no dating until college. Then it’s a free for all.