What are your dating rules for DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s over 18 she’s an adult so there is that you have really no say.

1.No
2. Yes, if she’s living with you how can she date someone you have never met? She can but it would be strange.
3. Over 18 you have no say.
4. Curfew if she’s a high school senior living in your house then she should be respectful of your rules. Obviously a reasonable curfew time like midnight on weekends. If she broke curfew then yes take car if she was driving, but don’t ground completely as she will run towards him.

I’d be more concerned about the not knowing this person at all, what are they hiding.

Either way if she’s 18 you can impose tons of rules but she will push you away.

Try a calm sit down asking to meet the person and get to know them. If you don’t end up liking them bite your tongue, because she needs to figure this out. It stinks but it’s as old as time. You won’t break them up.

This is super hard and no easy answers .

OP here. Ugh, yes, this is so freaking hard. We don't know the person because she met him on a dating app (she lied to us at first, but it all came out later) and he didn't come to the door on first date. We did meet him later but he sat quietly saying 'yes' and 'no,' etc. He's also much older (24). She has broken curfew twice now.

I'm at a loss. DH wants to throw her out. I want harmony and to work with her on this.

OP again I’m super sorry. And sorry about missing the part she was a junior I wrote senior.

Either way it sounds like he has wormed his way in, unfortunately.

The curfew issue might be your best place to start here.

For example, when discussing punishment because she broke house rules. Not because he kept her out after curfew.

Weeknights since she has school and homework punishment can be related to that as well. Like she can only go out on weekends because she has other obligations. A lot of this is going to be hard and your tone when talking with her needs to be firm but not antagonistic or yelling I know this is so hard to do,

Google him so you know as much as you can about him. Just for your own knowledge. Also Maryland case search if you are in MD. Because why does a 24 year old want to date a high schooler even if she is 18? Don’t tell her what if anything that you find she won’t believe you.It will just give you information good or bad on how to word when using talking points with her.

I understand your husbands view, but I’d try hard to protect my daughter and it’s harder to do if she leaves home and the whole school issue gets complicated.

Super sorry!

Thanks. This is useful. I have done as much web research on him as possible, but there's not much there about him (he's also not American so not much on social media). And yes, I think it's totally obvious why he wants to be with her (he can easily manipulate her!). Trying to convince DH to be patient is also just as hard as trying to convince her that she's being used.

OP ? Not American, are you meaning he is not a citizen? I'm only asking because you don’t want her leaving here for his own country where she would have zero support. If he’s trying to stay here at least your family will be here for her.

I might also make sure she’s not leaving school to meet up with him. Don’t of course ask her, contact her school about absences. You don’t have to share why you are asking . If there are any again no focus on him just her academics. For example “hey it makes it harder to make up work or he can come over after school and help you with math”just think out of the box. I understand it will suck to have him over but better at your house then somewhere she’s on her own.

Therapy for just her if she’s willing as a condition of our house our rule? I’m not suggesting family therapy because she’s already reaching outside of your family for some need to be filled. This way she can be free to talk about everything.

Good luck hugs and I’m sorry.

Correct, he is not an American citizen. I guess he has a work visa. She is in therapy.

[Anonymous]

My DD is a junior but she's 16.5.

I need to meet the person she's dating (boy or girl).
They need to pick her up at the door.
DD needs to have enough money to get home by train AND cab, and have the phone number of the cab on her.
Her phone must be fully charged.
We will discuss together where they're going and come up with a reasonable curfew based on that.

But OP, I have a very different child than you do. She doesn't use dating apps, doesn't lie about her age, isn't interested in 24 yr olds and doesn't break curfew.

[Anonymous]

In my experience, young women with controlling dads often struggle to establish healthy relationships. Does she have emotional/developmental/medical issues that make you feel she is particularly vulnerable? It's appropriate to expect that she will abide by house rules when she is living with you and attending high school, but she's also 18. House rules should be geared toward mutual respect and supporting her for adult life with open conversation and negotiation rather than threatening to throw her out. It is tough, I would not be happy about the age difference, but at a certain point you have to let them go and hope they have internalized your training.

[Anonymous]

Yep daughters with controlling dads often wind up in controlling relationships. Dad made his bed on this one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she’s over 18 she’s an adult so there is that you have really no say.

1.No
2. Yes, if she’s living with you how can she date someone you have never met? She can but it would be strange.
3. Over 18 you have no say.
4. Curfew if she’s a high school senior living in your house then she should be respectful of your rules. Obviously a reasonable curfew time like midnight on weekends. If she broke curfew then yes take car if she was driving, but don’t ground completely as she will run towards him.

I’d be more concerned about the not knowing this person at all, what are they hiding.

Either way if she’s 18 you can impose tons of rules but she will push you away.

Try a calm sit down asking to meet the person and get to know them. If you don’t end up liking them bite your tongue, because she needs to figure this out. It stinks but it’s as old as time. You won’t break them up.

This is super hard and no easy answers .

OP here. Ugh, yes, this is so freaking hard. We don't know the person because she met him on a dating app (she lied to us at first, but it all came out later) and he didn't come to the door on first date. We did meet him later but he sat quietly saying 'yes' and 'no,' etc. He's also much older (24). She has broken curfew twice now.

I'm at a loss. DH wants to throw her out. I want harmony and to work with her on this.

No way except if you or dad goes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is a junior but she's 16.5.

I need to meet the person she's dating (boy or girl).
They need to pick her up at the door.
DD needs to have enough money to get home by train AND cab, and have the phone number of the cab on her.
Her phone must be fully charged.
We will discuss together where they're going and come up with a reasonable curfew based on that.

But OP, I have a very different child than you do. She doesn't use dating apps, doesn't lie about her age, isn't interested in 24 yr olds and doesn't break curfew.

Her daughter did not have to lie about her age, she is 18.

Under the law her parents basically have zero rights. We can all yell and scream, they live in our houses. Doesn't matter she's still legally an adult.

This is super hard and could happen to anyone of us. To think otherwise is naive at best. Many kids do not break curfew, but are doing things that are not what we would like them to be doing. Vaping, smoking pot, having sex, etc... Kids can be super smart and lie like crazy. Not saying yours would, but none of us are perfect in our parenting and sometimes things happen to even the best of the bunch.

The hard part for OP is how to move forward from here with out alienating her daughter for life or losing her to this person who sounds not great.

This has less to do with kids dating, than it does with why she felt the need to get on a dating app ,and pick someone who might not be treating her right.

[Anonymous]

I would also try to make it comfortable for them to spend time at your house so you get to see them interact a bit. Find an excuse (i.e. ask her to invite him over for the superbowl) or to Sunday brunch. This will be less awkward if there is an activity planned for the get together. He may not want to do this . . . but when you're dating a H.S. student, too bad!

[Anonymous]

Keep your relationship with her and be there for her she’s likely going to need it and she needs to know you’re there as a loving , non judge mental person in her life.

[Anonymous]

What is she in therapy for? I agree this sounds scary- do not thruway her out you need to be completely the opposite of that , a soft , protective landing spot for her if she finds her self in a bad situation etc

[Anonymous]

Both of my girls know there is no dating until graduate school.

The man is NOT the plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would also try to make it comfortable for them to spend time at your house so you get to see them interact a bit. Find an excuse (i.e. ask her to invite him over for the superbowl) or to Sunday brunch. This will be less awkward if there is an activity planned for the get together. He may not want to do this . . . but when you're dating a H.S. student, too bad!

+1 Good ideas!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Both of my girls know there is no dating until graduate school.

The man is NOT the plan.

HaHAHA Good luck with that.

A few months back we were on a small tour to the Grand Canyon from Sedona. Two parents and a grown son age 24, who had already graduated from graduate school.( Smart young adult)were on the trip as well. Mom and dad both said many times "girls are not in the plan". The young man told my husband privately he had purposely picked a job (engineer) where his girlfriend of five years lived far away from his parents. They were discussing careers as my husband's business was what he would ultimately like to do in Engineering. His parents were extremely stern on the trip, the young man was respectful and well spoken. True story.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Keep your relationship with her and be there for her she’s likely going to need it and she needs to know you’re there as a loving , non judge mental person in her life.

+1

[Anonymous]

rules?

LOL why would you put rules on her dating life?

myob

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If she's in your house you do get to set some rules: want to know generally where and with whom and when you'll be home (adults should be doing this with other adults in the house as a matter of courtesy, too). I think a curfew is fine but midnight (at least on a weekend) is not reasonable for an 18 yo.

I would explain some of your concerns:
-not meeting the guy and her not meeting him in public places at first (if that is the case, not clear from your post). People lie on dating apps. Plus, it's just disrespectful.
-talk to her about seeing a doctor for contraception and so she can ask any questions in private.
-don't start out by badmouthing him to her over the age difference. Just speak to her about your concerns and things to be aware of (controlling, etc.) if you start out badmouthing it may have the opposite effect.

I think you're limited here, though not without some input. Your DH's desire to throw her out of house is, frankly, absurd and a gross over-reaction. So I suggest dealing with him, as well.

Thank you. Yes, DH tends to overreact a lot. Yes, separate problem, but a real one too. She is in therapy. She is on contraception. I agree about not badmouthing him, etc. Keep trying to explain this to DH.

NP. Her father "overreacting a lot" is not a "separate problem", it's the same problem. And the fact that you can't see it as the same problem tells me that you're a problem too. Honestly, at this point, "kicking her out" might actually be the best thing for her, if she can go no contact with you both and really start getting some self esteem. Of course, she should not be dating anyone while doing this. Since she's still at school though, and relies on you for financial support, it's pretty tricky. I hope she has a good therapist who sees things for what they are and can guide her properly.

I wish I'd figured all of this out earlier for myself - it would have saved me from getting into a really sh!tty marriage.