Advice on appropriate punishment

[Anonymous]

OP I really agree with everyone and I would take a deep breath (as you're doing) and try to really reflect on how your own upbringing is clouding your thoughts right now. And whether those things your parents taught you, that I think you feel are values, are really values or were more about control and trying to get certain behaviors. I find it helpful to think about what my overall goals are for my children and family. One of the reasons you taught your daughter the anatomically correct words was to prevent abuse. If you chastise her and shame her for using that term, it will undo some of the work (what I'm hearing from you is there is shame in these private parts and private things, your daughter will feel that I assure you. this is not something you want, you want her to feel comfortable saying the words and talking to YOU about it). Making our kids scared, punishing them hugely, yes it might work to stop the behavior in the moment - but it doesn't actually always help to build the confident, engaging kids with a good relationship with their parents that is really our end goal. Find a balance here and do some reflection on whether the relationship you have no with your parents is the one you want with your child in the future.

[Anonymous]

also op - being addressed at home doesn't always mean punishment. Of course you should help her process what happened, it happened at school so the school handled the "punishment" - now your job as a parent is to help her make all the connections. In school it was probably overwhelming, she was probably a little scared. We don't get a lot of learning in those times. So your opportunity as a parent is to take this as a learning moment. Instead of coming down on her right away - ask her what happened, what was she thinking about. Ask her if she understands why people got upset. She'll probably say she was just joking. Then you help her make the connection that sometimes some things we think are funny, can make other people feel uncomfortable. Connect her to a time she felt uncomfortable. Help talk through how each person is in charge of their own body, and one of the reason the adults got upset is that it's never safe or okay to tell someone else what to do with their xyz body parts. Empathize that you know she was joking, and you also trust that she will be thoughtful with her words as best she can from now on. Help her understand how her words impact others. That is the lesson here. Not that she said a "bad word" and should never say that word again. remember - think of the end goal, not the behavior today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are completely overreacting. You taught your daughter the correct anatomical words, and she used it in a game with body parts. Just talk to her about proper places to talk about private areas. Communication......not punishment is what is needed. And clam down!!!!!

Agree. I think the school kind of overreacted too. The teacher should have interjected, "We don't talk about private parts or tell other people to touch private parts at school" and moved the game along. End.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Everyone has been very thoughtful in responding even with disagreement, and I truly appreciate it. I know it could have gone the other direction.

It's given me food for thought. I am trying to find a balance. Maybe it's not feasible in this "day and age" to completely eliminate the words / phrases I was never allowed to say.

Honest question. To me, getting in trouble at school is a massively big deal. Anything that puts you in the teacher's cross hairs deserves attention at home. Is that not something that bothers others in a particular context, like this one?

Anything that comes home from school gets a similar reaction at home. If they talk to the teacher or principal, it’s just a talk. If there was a minor consequence, they get another at home. If they got in major trouble, it would be major trouble at home.

But my family is teachers, and we want kids to respect and listen to their teachers.

[Anonymous]

I would have had her write an apology to her teacher, the teacher who caught her and the principal and no electronics for a few days. She was trying to be funny and testing limits. That is how they learn.

[Anonymous]

I would want to know more. Was she trying to be funny? Was it that she said touch your vagina and laughed? Or have you done a good job of not shaming body parts and nose and vagina hold the same meaning to her? Those feel different to me. It is important to talk about time and place - it is ok to say vagina but not ask people to touch vaginas during a game. Or certain areas are not public so you can scratch your arm in front of people but not your groin (looking at you guy on the bus yesterday!!!). If she was being naughty and knew it was not a good idea to ask people in public to touch their vagina, that is another conversation and could be more stern. But overall in the grand scheme of things low level.

I also think the teacher addressing and moving on would have been fine. I agree that being sent from class warrants a conversation at home, but for me distracting or stopping others from learning is a much bigger deal than this.

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like your dd has a really good vocabulary, knows the proper names for body parts, and like all little kids-just needs to learn the appropriate time and place to say them.

You and the teachers have told her not to say that in school again. She probably won't. I would not worry any more about it, really.

[Anonymous]

I agree with everyone else. She thought it was a game where you mention touching all other body parts and didn’t see anything wrong with it. If it’s been explained already that we don’t touch our private parts during a game then I think she doesn’t need any further discipline as a Kindergartner.
I think schools are a little crazy with stuff like this. No one tells the kid it’s wrong or gives a warning and then they’re in trouble for it. Once my nephew got in trouble in 1st grade for asking another classmate what “lesbian” meant on the playground when the other classmate was the one who said it when talking about another students parents. Rather than explain why (I’m not sure why this was punishable) but they took away the rest of his recess.

[Anonymous]

I think this is a good opportunity to talk about private parts and how no one should touch your private parts (and whether there are exceptions to this) and that no one should make you touch their private parts or even your own private parts.

I have a son so we also talked about how self pleasure should be done in private. On occasion he touches his penis (because it feels good I guess) and I told him not to do it in front of me.

[Anonymous]

My older DD mooned her classmates when she was in kindergarten. My youngest is currently in K and loves poop/potty humor, although we’ve talked to her about it being inappropriate and it hasn’t yet been an issue at school. She did recently come home with the phrase “I’m going to kick you in the nuts.” I think talking like this, trying to get reactions from classmates Is totally normal at this age. Your DD probably learned her lesson by being punished at school; no need to pile on at this point.

[Anonymous]

Please don’t punish or shame your daughter for saying vagina and butt. She needs an explanation of why asking friends to touch their vaginas in a game isn’t ok. Not punishment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My older DD mooned her classmates when she was in kindergarten. My youngest is currently in K and loves poop/potty humor, although we’ve talked to her about it being inappropriate and it hasn’t yet been an issue at school. She did recently come home with the phrase “I’m going to kick you in the nuts.” I think talking like this, trying to get reactions from classmates Is totally normal at this age. Your DD probably learned her lesson by being punished at school; no need to pile on at this point.

I’d be addressing the violence in that statement, not the body part being kicked, but that’s me.

[Anonymous]

I'd be going the opposite direction and making sure she doesn't feel shamed for saying the word vagina. It's entirely possible she didn't understand the context and now that she's been sent to the principal's office thinks it's a dirty word.

[Anonymous]

OP, your child's teacher completely overreacted. Is this a parochial school?

And you are would up so tight (probably because YOUR parents over disciplined) that you were freaking out about this. Don't screw your daughter up.

We also consider the word butt to be vulgar. But vagina is not vulgar. It is a body party. It is all internal so it would be hard to touch (and it sounds like you actually haven't taught your dd the correct terms for the correct parts because it is all internal - she was probably talking about the vulva, right?).

You don't want your child to be shamed for saying the word vagina - I agree with pp there. Make sure she understands that those are private parts and no one should be telling anyone to touch them at school.