Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging

[Anonymous]

Op- your youngest one will be old enough to have fun at those games soon. They don't stay little long!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I know this is par for the course and there isn't much to do, but our family seems divided because at this point it's so much easier for one parent to take the older two someone and one to stay home with the baby. DH and I do trade off, but I definitely end up spending more time with the baby and he's with the older ones. It feels like I am missing out on a lot with the older ones, especially on some of the more fun activities.

You're also bringing your older children and your husband closer together, and allowing you to focus on the child that needs you most. This may or may not help your framing. We usually went with the easy division of labor - DH takes the oldest, DW takes the little one.

I guess I would just love to know when it gets better and the gap is less of an issue. Maybe when the baby no longer naps? Or maybe it's still an issue because they will always be in such different phases? Just feels so hard right now.

We found that everything improved, scheduling-wise, when naps consolidated to a single afternoon one. But even before then, if you have two cars, remember you can let baby nap, and then join your husband. Or one parent stays in the car with a book/catches up on his or her own naps while the baby sleeps in his carseat.

This solution sounds miserable as well. What is the f-omg point of having a family if you are always “dividing and conquring.” I don’t want to have another kid if it means I rarely get to see my husband or older kids? Is this for real advice?

It’s not surprising that studies have found the happiest families have 2 kids, ideally 2 daughters, and the most stressed out ones have 3 kids. You have to be wealthy, super organized and high energy with quality help to pull 3 off successfully, imo.

[Anonymous]

This thread is making me so happy we stuck w 2 kids. I really wanted a 3rd but my husband didn’t/doesn’t and now our kids are 6 and 4 so I think the age gap would be too large at this point.

[Anonymous]

It's the 3 kids problem, not the age gap. Mine have 8 years gap and it was pretty easy to manage it. H would take DC1 to games and practice and we'd come along before or after the nap.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Honestly this all sounds so unfair to the littlest ones, just getting carted everywhere and playing to the side while the older ones' activities have everyone's focus.

Main reason I want to stick to two.

[Anonymous]

I have 4- now 17, 15, 12 and 5. The youngest is practically feral, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but I literally paid the older siblings to entertain their sister at games, etc. An 8 year old can watch their sibling run around a field, when you are right there, for 15-20 minutes. I also watched a lot of games from the adjacent playgrounds. With a larger family, everyone has to be a little flexible- you might not see every soccer goal, b/c you are off chasing a toddler, and that's okay. You'll see plenty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's the 3 kids problem, not the age gap. Mine have 8 years gap and it was pretty easy to manage it. H would take DC1 to games and practice and we'd come along before or after the nap.

Disagree. It’s the age gap, because we did this too. I have two with a 4.5yo age gap, and when youngest was a baby, DH or grandparents would take oldest out for daytrips, while I stayed home with the baby. If I had wanted to switch that would have been perfectly fine, but I usually wanted to stay home and nurse and read and sleep. I still spent plenty of time with my oldest around the house and going for nearby walks

[Anonymous]

Why not divide and conquer? Older kids do X and younger kid sleeps. Am I wrong that it sounds more like you are regretting dealing with a baby?

[Anonymous]

We didn't have that large an age gap, but we did run into issues of crazy baby while the older two were in activities. We hired a sitter regularly, usually leaving her at home with the youngest so we didn't have to worry about her driving, and juggling the other two on our own.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I know this is par for the course and there isn't much to do, but our family seems divided because at this point it's so much easier for one parent to take the older two someone and one to stay home with the baby. DH and I do trade off, but I definitely end up spending more time with the baby and he's with the older ones. It feels like I am missing out on a lot with the older ones, especially on some of the more fun activities.

You're also bringing your older children and your husband closer together, and allowing you to focus on the child that needs you most. This may or may not help your framing. We usually went with the easy division of labor - DH takes the oldest, DW takes the little one.

I guess I would just love to know when it gets better and the gap is less of an issue. Maybe when the baby no longer naps? Or maybe it's still an issue because they will always be in such different phases? Just feels so hard right now.

We found that everything improved, scheduling-wise, when naps consolidated to a single afternoon one. But even before then, if you have two cars, remember you can let baby nap, and then join your husband. Or one parent stays in the car with a book/catches up on his or her own naps while the baby sleeps in his carseat.

This solution sounds miserable as well. What is the f-omg point of having a family if you are always “dividing and conquring.” I don’t want to have another kid if it means I rarely get to see my husband or older kids? Is this for real advice?

NP but the worst phases are temporary, and then your weekends consolidate into more of a unit with the kids playing together and family movie night and everyone coming together to clap at sister's dance recital or cheer brother's sports tournament. It's the youngest ages with nap times to work around that are a juggling act. I love my family of three but I'm very glad we are past those ages!

[Anonymous]

When my oldest was a baby who was a HORRIBLE napper anywhere but her crib, my friend with 3 (who’s youngest was a baby at the time) told me it was my fault and if I just shlepped the baby everywhere like they did then the baby would nap anywhere. I’m actually happy to read this because it’s affirming that different kids just have different personalities and that girl is a pretty chill teen and mine is still an anxious teen.

It’s funny because when I read your post my first thought was how much I would love to be stuck at home with just a napping baby again because I would enjoy it much more after knowing the chaos of older kids—oh what I didn’t know back then But if you are worried about missing the older two, ask dh to do more of the staying home! Even if it means pumping more or whatever. Also you could consider making a special mom/big kid time each weekend. Like Saturday morning you take the 8 year old to a coffee shop and Sunday morning you take the 6 year old. When the weather gets really nice you can make it to nature hikes or explore a new playground. Or if every weekend morning feels like too much then alternate weekends.

[Anonymous]

My kids have a large age gap the baby just needs to kind of be along for the ride. Ice had a few different carriers but basically the baby naps in the carrier or in the car while we are at the older kids activities. Sometimes we divide and conquer but the kids like having both parents present.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you expect with three kids?

That’s unkind and unhelpful To OP. If you haven’t lived in a big family, you wouldn’t know the dynamics. We learned that we are a two-kid family from watching friends have a surprise third.

I know its a lot more work going from 2 to 3 regardless of the age difference. There are two of you, three kids and 5 very different needs. People need to think it through when they choose to have more kids. I know how the dynamics work. I usually get stuck with an extra kid at my house as the parents are too busy or don't feel like doing anything like driving and always have excuses as to why it takes a village. OP can hire a babysitter if she needs help.

Huh? I can't relate to this post at all. People don't randomly drop their kids off at my house. Just tell the other parents no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What did you expect with three kids?

That’s unkind and unhelpful To OP. If you haven’t lived in a big family, you wouldn’t know the dynamics. We learned that we are a two-kid family from watching friends have a surprise third.

NP. No. It is the truth! Did she ecpect rainbows and unicorns? Stupidity is it's own reward.

[Anonymous]

I have 3–ages 20, 3.5, 7 months....ignore the smug moms of 2. My advice is to simplify and run around less. A year into the pandemic and we are all home a lot more. It’s great.

This morning, I got up, folded laundry, made a Starbucks run, had an hour of self care, helped the oldest with schoolwork, took the older two to the library, played with the baby and painted with the middle. It’s been lovely.

A life based around the home is simple and cozy.

And yes, I work outside the home.