Finding 3 kids w/ big age gap really challenging
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Anonymous
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Would love to hear from anyone with a large age gap between kids.
We have an 8 year old, 6 year old, and just turned 15 month old. The first 9 months were hard because well babies are babies, but at least the baby was fairly portable and pretty good on the go and just going with the flow. Around that time a switch flipped and he just won't nap anywhere but his crib anymore and since he started crawling only wants to be moving around and not confined to a stroller or baby carrier. Logistics have gotten trickier with our older two who have sports and friends and activities, and a baby who is on a totally different schedule and is not easy-going or flexible at soccer practice or on days like today where we spent a big chunk of time at a friend's get together until I had to leave and take the baby home because he was melting down. I know this is par for the course and there isn't much to do, but our family seems divided because at this point it's so much easier for one parent to take the older two someone and one to stay home with the baby. DH and I do trade off, but I definitely end up spending more time with the baby and he's with the older ones. It feels like I am missing out on a lot with the older ones, especially on some of the more fun activities. I guess I would just love to know when it gets better and the gap is less of an issue. Maybe when the baby no longer naps? Or maybe it's still an issue because they will always be in such different phases? Just feels so hard right now. |
Anonymous
| What did you expect with three kids? |
Anonymous
That’s unkind and unhelpful To OP. If you haven’t lived in a big family, you wouldn’t know the dynamics. We learned that we are a two-kid family from watching friends have a surprise third. |
Anonymous
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Naps were not a priority with the baby, we wouldn’t never be able to do anything. He napped in the car.
Yes it’s boring being the one to stay home. In some ways things will get easier in some ways it gets harder when they all have different activities, if they are at different schools, different friends, etc. you have to figure out a plan and get organized and you need to lower expectations. Life never gets easier it just gets different. |
Anonymous
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OP, you need to switch with your husband more often and have him stay with the baby and you go with the older children.
This will be the normal for the foreseeable future. |
Anonymous
This is true for most of the 3+ kid families we know. subsequent babies just have to get with the program and became kids who napped on the go or just didn't nap that much. You have handicapped yourself by having your youngest on a set schedule. |
Anonymous
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On the plus side, OP, it may be difficult on you, but your children will have the chance develop great personality traits that come with a big family. This was my reason for having 3 and it’s been difficult but my kids have learned things they couldn’t be taught without life experience. You can and will get through this! I had my kids involved in taking care of each other and they really enjoyed it and it brought us closer, they would fight over who gets to help with the baby!
(I’m sure I’ll get flamed for this but I’m one parent of 3+ kids talking to another, those with less just don’t get it) |
Anonymous
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I have a big gap between #2 and #3. When #3 was born, we got a nanny. I would spend all day with the baby, from 7am wakeup to about 2:30pm, then the nanny would take over with the baby and I'd get the big kids after school and have time with them, then I'd nurse the baby and put her to bed, then more time with the big kids.
Get an afternoon nanny and save yourself. We had someone from 2-7pm who also did kid-laundry. So worth it. |
Anonymous
| Same issues. Besides trading off, we just dealt with a cranky baby so we did t miss too much older kid stuff. The baby adjusted. |
Anonymous
I know its a lot more work going from 2 to 3 regardless of the age difference. There are two of you, three kids and 5 very different needs. People need to think it through when they choose to have more kids. I know how the dynamics work. I usually get stuck with an extra kid at my house as the parents are too busy or don't feel like doing anything like driving and always have excuses as to why it takes a village. OP can hire a babysitter if she needs help. |
Anonymous
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Mom of kids ages 8 mo, 4, 8, and 12. I remember this from when #3 was 1, and am about to enter it again with #4. Life gets normal again once the afternoon nap drops. But, it also gets a lot better once they can tolerate a missed or delayed nap (and the meltdown comes later, at home, but at least not while you’re out). For us, things got better around age 2, good by 3, and great by 4.
I had one kid who could nap anywhere. The others wouldn’t nap unless in their crib, or at best for a few minutes while driving but they woke up as soon as we arrived at our destination. And my 3rd was not an easygoing baby, so I get it. We got through by just taking the baby/toddler and avoiding meltdowns as much as possible by bringing lots of snacks, blanket at the soccer game/practice with plenty of toys in the bag, etc. We also split up the activities between DH and myself. I never minded staying home with the baby but did make sure to go to some of the big kid activities and let DH have bonding time with the baby. If you’re not happy with the balance, work on changing it. |
Anonymous
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I think the issue is that your 6 and 8 yr old are really close in age. My friend has 3 kids and a 5 yr gap between each kid. Each kid has always been in a different stage from the others. The family just worked around the needs of everyone. Her youngest is 9 now and the oldest is in college.
Hang in there, OP. My friends kids are super responsible. If the baby was DONE they would just all go home. That is okay. They did not really split up like you are describing, although sometimes the oldest would stay home with a younger child (benefit of the age gap!) Do you have a minivan so the baby has a place to play while waiting in the car for siblings? |
Anonymous
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3 kids with 3 years between each of them. Just forget your preconception about what family life is supposed to be. We split up all the time -- even on family vacations. The odds of three kids that are all different ages and all have different interests and likes/dislikes all wanting to do the same thing at the same time is really remote. And of course I push them to sometimes do things that are not their favorite thing, and emphasize that we are a family and sometimes that means we sacrifice for the other family members. But, at the end of the day, you can't just force a kid to be a tag along 66% of their time (and that's assuming you evenly rotate between the kids' interests.)
I have a friend with more kids, and she says that on any given day, one person in the family is going to get the short end of the stick. (Actually, she had more colorful language, but I'll clean it up for DCUM.) The goal should be that it's not always the same person getting the short end of the stick. |
Anonymous
| When the younger one turns 3.5-4.5 or drops the nap, whichever comes first. It is just the way it is. |
Anonymous
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I only have 2, and the second was easy during the day, so she went with us everywhere. However, she didn't sleep through the night for TWO ENTIRE YEARS. She would wake up at least 6 times a night. I once fell asleep at a red light. Once we passed that stage, things were easy for a few years, until she was in activities too and it became the usual "who drives who when" game with DH. You'll end up there as well, but with any luck, your eldest will be off to college by the time the youngest has serious activities. |