Can someone please slap me out of my selfish funk??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You kid sounds like they have a good head on their shoulders and will do well in life.

You, at least, seem sort of charming. It is amusing to think of coming to DCUM for the express purpose of being slapped around.

+1 on both. This is an excellent use of the College Forum, OP. I commend you!

This was a couple years ago, but my kid with perfect grades, test scores (2400 on the SAT first sitting) and subject scores blew her SCEA on Stanford and didn’t get in to either of the ivies she applied to. Same story with all her high stats friends. Without a hook or amazing ECs, great stats alone will not get the job done. Your kid made a smart decision, and you should be very impressed by their judgement. Plus, now they are done with the stress of applications and you can enjoy the rest of senior year with them!

White or Asian?

[Anonymous]

OP, I think you are forgetting to give weight to that there was a significant chance that your DC would have been rejected from that Ivy. You are really imagining that your DC would have gotten in, and comparing the reality with only that, not the alternate reality that your DC could be in the RD pool right now.

However; I understand two things: first you had a dream, and second, you will never know what would have happened had DC applied to that Ivy. It's hard because even if your DC was rejected, then at least you would know.

The second issue comes with lack of closure. I think maybe you are mourning the lack of closure that comes with the second issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You kid sounds like they have a good head on their shoulders and will do well in life.

You, at least, seem sort of charming. It is amusing to think of coming to DCUM for the express purpose of being slapped around.

+1 on both. This is an excellent use of the College Forum, OP. I commend you!

This was a couple years ago, but my kid with perfect grades, test scores (2400 on the SAT first sitting) and subject scores blew her SCEA on Stanford and didn’t get in to either of the ivies she applied to. Same story with all her high stats friends. Without a hook or amazing ECs, great stats alone will not get the job done. Your kid made a smart decision, and you should be very impressed by their judgement. Plus, now they are done with the stress of applications and you can enjoy the rest of senior year with them!

White or Asian?

White. Typical outstanding student with nothing that really made her stand out from the rest of the crowd of outstanding students who apply to all the same schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You’re all being much kinder than I’d hoped. I really really want to move past this because it’s done. Its more painful to feel this way than to just let it go so why can’t I? I’m so angry with myself. It’s child’s choice, child’s life. I should just be happy.
Child got into a great school by any measure (well in the top 10) but I just had that dream (I know I know-I want to slap myself too). Child worked so incredibly hard with the same dream in mind. Maxed out at the number of APs allowed at smallish private school and got straight As plus 2 800s and 3 780s on AP Subject tests, one of which child self studied for, 1580 SAT and 36 ACTLeadership positions, ECs, charity work blah blah. Varsity athlete but not enough for recruiting.
Child initially was gung ho about a particular Ivy for which they had well above average grades according to the school’s naviance reports ( I know-no guarantees). Then senior year came and child suddenly changed their mind and no amount of gentle persuading would budge them. “Why would I risk apply to a school with a 10 % acceptance rate (not nationally but per Naviance for their school) when I could apply to an excellent one with much higher acceptance rated?”

What’s making it harder still is that quite a few of child’s classmates who did take the risk got into Ivies- some top Ivies There were of course the off-the-charts bright kids who would get in anywhere +/- legacy and the athletes but a few “surprises” too. Smart but not overly, no hooks that we know off. That made harder. I just know child stood a good change based on the outcomes so far. I also know that deep down when child heard of the surprises they wondered if they should have thrown their hat in too. Child talked about possibly transferring after first year.
Plus it’s more than bragging rights. I really believe it would have been a wonderful culmination of all child’s hard work and sleepless nights. I feel sad for them.
Anyway all that by way of background. I just need to move one. I even find myself crying in secret sometimes. Foolish foolish foolish woman! Get over yourself already!

Damn. This is some up privileged hand wringing. You’re looking for how to move on? Go volunteer somewhere, like a homeless shelter or a food bank or a shelter for women fleeing violence. You need to step out of your bubble to appreciate everything you have. Get off DCUM and find a soup kitchen. The sooner you go, the better.

[Anonymous]

This was their first major decision as an adult. Your kid will want to prove it was a good decision. That is what you want above all else.

[Anonymous]

Wow, OP, you sound even more small-minded and narcissistic in your second post than your first. I guess the private school piece fits well. Your kid wouldn’t have gotten into an ivy. He/she does not sound like a sure thing there at all. You should be grateful your kid is smarter than you and went ED (which, by the way, is an extremely privileged option that most of us can’t do because we need to compare financial aid). Please find some way to pay attention to something else bigger than the disappointment you have that your kid is going to a top 10 school. There’s plenty of worthy choices. Such entitled privilege is disgusting.

[Anonymous]

Undergraduate education is not always the best experience at the biggest name school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The slightly nicer reply: You're right. It's not about you. Parent the child you have, not the child you thought you'd have.

The nastier reply: If you'd prefer that your child be miserable at an Ivy so you can have bragging rights, rather than happy at the "top 10" school they'd rather attend, you're a terrible parent.

Yeah,the above

[Anonymous]

Wow! I cannot understand what you are upset about. Kid is in a top 10 school. That still isn’t good enough for you? Would you really be happy with any ivy? Cornell wouldn’t be good enough for you. If your kid got into Brown, Dartmouth, or Penn, I have a feeling you would still be upset because they don’t have the name recognition of Harvard. Be honest and think through this. You always pictured your kid as going to Harvard and anything else would leave you disappointed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You’re all being much kinder than I’d hoped. I really really want to move past this because it’s done. Its more painful to feel this way than to just let it go so why can’t I? I’m so angry with myself. It’s child’s choice, child’s life. I should just be happy.
Child got into a great school by any measure (well in the top 10) but I just had that dream (I know I know-I want to slap myself too). Child worked so incredibly hard with the same dream in mind. Maxed out at the number of APs allowed at smallish private school and got straight As plus 2 800s and 3 780s on AP Subject tests, one of which child self studied for, 1580 SAT and 36 ACTLeadership positions, ECs, charity work blah blah. Varsity athlete but not enough for recruiting.
Child initially was gung ho about a particular Ivy for which they had well above average grades according to the school’s naviance reports ( I know-no guarantees). Then senior year came and child suddenly changed their mind and no amount of gentle persuading would budge them. “Why would I risk apply to a school with a 10 % acceptance rate (not nationally but per Naviance for their school) when I could apply to an excellent one with much higher acceptance rated?”

What’s making it harder still is that quite a few of child’s classmates who did take the risk got into Ivies- some top Ivies There were of course the off-the-charts bright kids who would get in anywhere +/- legacy and the athletes but a few “surprises” too. Smart but not overly, no hooks that we know off. That made harder. I just know child stood a good change based on the outcomes so far. I also know that deep down when child heard of the surprises they wondered if they should have thrown their hat in too. Child talked about possibly transferring after first year.
Plus it’s more than bragging rights. I really believe it would have been a wonderful culmination of all child’s hard work and sleepless nights. I feel sad for them.
Anyway all that by way of background. I just need to move one. I even find myself crying in secret sometimes. Foolish foolish foolish woman! Get over yourself already!

OP - treat it like your first lesson about the next stage of parenting which is dominated by keeping your mouth shut!

[Anonymous]

Another thing to be happy about. Your DC is an enlightened soul and didn't inherit your inability to be satisfied. Time for you to read Radical Acceptance (NPI) by Tara Brach (or go listen to her in person or on her podcasts). Repeat this: "I can be happy with the way things are" and consider not asking other people to indulge you further about this. It's an insult to people with real college-related problems and your DC probably feels it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. You’re all being much kinder than I’d hoped. I really really want to move past this because it’s done. Its more painful to feel this way than to just let it go so why can’t I? I’m so angry with myself. It’s child’s choice, child’s life. I should just be happy.
Child got into a great school by any measure (well in the top 10) but I just had that dream (I know I know-I want to slap myself too). Child worked so incredibly hard with the same dream in mind. Maxed out at the number of APs allowed at smallish private school and got straight As plus 2 800s and 3 780s on AP Subject tests, one of which child self studied for, 1580 SAT and 36 ACTLeadership positions, ECs, charity work blah blah. Varsity athlete but not enough for recruiting.
Child initially was gung ho about a particular Ivy for which they had well above average grades according to the school’s naviance reports ( I know-no guarantees). Then senior year came and child suddenly changed their mind and no amount of gentle persuading would budge them. “Why would I risk apply to a school with a 10 % acceptance rate (not nationally but per Naviance for their school) when I could apply to an excellent one with much higher acceptance rated?”

What’s making it harder still is that quite a few of child’s classmates who did take the risk got into Ivies- some top Ivies There were of course the off-the-charts bright kids who would get in anywhere +/- legacy and the athletes but a few “surprises” too. Smart but not overly, no hooks that we know off. That made harder. I just know child stood a good change based on the outcomes so far. I also know that deep down when child heard of the surprises they wondered if they should have thrown their hat in too. Child talked about possibly transferring after first year.
Plus it’s more than bragging rights. I really believe it would have been a wonderful culmination of all child’s hard work and sleepless nights. I feel sad for them.
Anyway all that by way of background. I just need to move one. I even find myself crying in secret sometimes. Foolish foolish foolish woman! Get over yourself already!

Wow, I responded previously but this post really illustrates how privileged and blessed you and your family this is a hardship for you to get over. I really don't mean that to be snarky. But crying over something so inconsequential when your kid continue to has every opportunity to be successful says more about your lack of perspective than anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child applied ED to a great school-top 10. Had the grades for an Ivy but, given the low acceptance rates, child decided to aim slightly lower. My belief is that ED is for your dream school and I encouraged child to apply to the ivy but child said they’d rather go for a really good school with a (albeit slightly) higher chance of getting in. They’re in now. I’m happy for them but I can’t rid myself of the disappointment though I haven’t shown it.
I know it’s not about me, child is happy with their choice, they will be fine.
Slap me out of this funk. If anyone can do it, DCUM can. It’s open season on the OP!

Go!

Goodness--be grateful. There is no difference in quality among the top ten and tons of amazing kids don't get in to any of them....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My child applied ED to a great school-top 10. Had the grades for an Ivy but, given the low acceptance rates, child decided to aim slightly lower. My belief is that ED is for your dream school and I encouraged child to apply to the ivy but child said they’d rather go for a really good school with a (albeit slightly) higher chance of getting in. They’re in now. I’m happy for them but I can’t rid myself of the disappointment though I haven’t shown it.
I know it’s not about me, child is happy with their choice, they will be fine.
Slap me out of this funk. If anyone can do it, DCUM can. It’s open season on the OP!

Go!

Goodness--be grateful. There is no difference in quality among the top ten and tons of amazing kids don't get in to any of them....

+1 - This is a really nice post. I'd probably say the same, but add, you need to get yourself busy and stop worrying about your kid. Sounds like you've raised him/her right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My child applied ED to a great school-top 10. Had the grades for an Ivy but, given the low acceptance rates, child decided to aim slightly lower. My belief is that ED is for your dream school and I encouraged child to apply to the ivy but child said they’d rather go for a really good school with a (albeit slightly) higher chance of getting in. They’re in now. I’m happy for them but I can’t rid myself of the disappointment though I haven’t shown it.
I know it’s not about me, child is happy with their choice, they will be fine.
Slap me out of this funk. If anyone can do it, DCUM can. It’s open season on the OP!

Go!

Ask your spouse. He has been waiting for your permission for a long time. It will spice up the intimacy between you.