2.5 year old, 8mo, and try for another now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you?

37. First kid took 5 years to have with intervention, 2nd was a pleasant surprise (surprise in that i'd been told there was little chance in having a baby on my own). So I could start trying now and either end up with another right away or try for years and never have another. I've already decided I won't do IVF. The impact of the meds and the cycle of hope and disappointment is too much of an emotional rollercoaster to put my family through

I guess having the 3rd is a long shot either way so it's not like deciding I want to do it is anywhere close to it actually happening

So the question was really just a theoretical waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three so I’m not opposed to bigger families, but it doesn’t sound like you want one. It’s perfectly wonderful to have two kids. No need to suffer through anything. Just enjoy your baby.

+1 maybe you would enjoy the baby stage more if you had time to enjoy your kids rather than popping them out to “get this stage over with.”

Hmmmm - interesting feedback. I just hate the first 6mo or so and then it’s ok until they drop to 1 nap and then it’s amazing. Both of mine had lots of breastfeeding issues, sleep issues, and in general I feel like the first 6 months is just constantly trying to get them to eat or sleep and everyone crying. I figured by the time #3 got here, 1 and 2 would be on the same schedule (one nap a day, walking around) and could stick together with a care giver while the baby stayed home. I could get let’s of help to care for the baby (very close Inlaws who wish they could just have all my kids move in with them forever, ability to hire help) so that could ease some of the awfulness.

I guess what I’m trying to think through is how beyond less sleep is it awful. I know someone will say “it’s a whole additional person” but before having 1 it was hard to imagine why a baby is tough, before having a second it wasn’t really on my radar that the second would make the first more difficult just bc of his adjusting to baby, so I’m trying to understand my blind spots

I want a 3rd bc kids are awesome, I want to raise another person and kids my kids siblings for a warm home life long term (not a guarantee I know). I just hate all the ways the first year limits your life if they’re difficult babies so I wouldn’t want to get to the stage of like a 4 and 5 year old and then have to go back to no travel, lots of naps,etc

I don't know if you should have a third or not but I just wanted to mention that your whole POV here is very myopic. If you actually got pregnant with a third right now, what you would have is a 3.5 year old, a 1.5 year old, and a newborn.

That 3.5 year old is not going to be napping anymore, most likely. So you do not get a break in the middle of the day. They will start having extracurriculars and activities and playdates that you need to think about. I have an almost-3.5 year old and while she is getting more independent in a lot of ways, we are still constantly needing to tend to her needs, like snacks, the potty (omg), crafts set up, milk, etc. And she talks constantly. And have you moved your kid out of a crib yet? That's a huge sleep setback IME.

The 1.5 year old will be walking around, yes, but also getting into EVERYTHING. So you have a wide awake 3.5 year old who still very much needs your attention, who you are racing to the potty every hour or two, who is possibly getting out of bed multiple times a night; a 1.5 year old who is climbing furniture, throwing toys on the ground, sticking all of your 3.5 year old's little toys in their mouth, needing their diaper changed, having tantrums, etc. AND a newborn who is nursing 24/7, screaming, needing to be held for every nap, waking you up every 2 hours, all night long, etc.

I found the age of 2-2.5 to be this kind of magical stasis where my kid was chatty, happy, sweet, and self-sufficient, and I also almost convinced myself that the hard part was over. A year later I still love my kid but the hard part was NOT over! Now she doesn't nap, she gets out of bed, she looks me dead in the eyes while defying every word I said, her meltdowns are EPIC. And honestly my 3 year old is pretty easy/agreeable by comparison to her friends, as far as I can tell.

I am honestly not trying to say if you should have a 3rd or not - I am personally still on the fence about a third so what do I know? - but as someone who is just slightly ahead of you with my oldest I wanted to tell you that you are not out of the woods with that one. I don't know if there is an age where they honestly do get easier or not, but I do know that 3 is not it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I know you say you hate having babies but having older kids is so cool to you--but how do you actually know that? Your oldest kid is still a young toddler! And if you hate the "not being able to do anything" of babies, it gets way more hectic in many ways as they get older. And your intense baby will likely become an even more intense toddler and young child and possibly teen.

That's a fair question and yes I'm in the same boat as all of us in terms of not knowing what's ahead until we get there (eg how did I know I wanted a second when my first was only 1 given I'd only experienced 1 year). But I do know I've never liked babies - never had interest in holding other people's cooing over them etc and in general just find them to be screaming sacks of potatos. I also know that when I look at my sisters family with a 10 and 8 year old I think it sounds like a blast - camp outs and hiking and being able to pack the weekends with fun activities beyond putzing around the playground. So no, I don't know exactly what parenting an 10 yo will be like, but I know that in general that is something I will enjoy more than parenting a baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for your kids. Especially your second child.

why in the world do you feel bad for my kids?!

Because you are planning a third and your second will be 1.5 and completely ignored by you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How old are you?

37. First kid took 5 years to have with intervention, 2nd was a pleasant surprise (surprise in that i'd been told there was little chance in having a baby on my own). So I could start trying now and either end up with another right away or try for years and never have another. I've already decided I won't do IVF. The impact of the meds and the cycle of hope and disappointment is too much of an emotional rollercoaster to put my family through

I guess having the 3rd is a long shot either way so it's not like deciding I want to do it is anywhere close to it actually happening

So the question was really just a theoretical waste of time.

well no - given my 2nd came immediately after the first and everyone on here says they hear stories like that all the time, if i'm going to "try" i should be prepared for that trying to lead to a baby right away

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I know you say you hate having babies but having older kids is so cool to you--but how do you actually know that? Your oldest kid is still a young toddler! And if you hate the "not being able to do anything" of babies, it gets way more hectic in many ways as they get older. And your intense baby will likely become an even more intense toddler and young child and possibly teen.

That's a fair question and yes I'm in the same boat as all of us in terms of not knowing what's ahead until we get there (eg how did I know I wanted a second when my first was only 1 given I'd only experienced 1 year). But I do know I've never liked babies - never had interest in holding other people's cooing over them etc and in general just find them to be screaming sacks of potatos. I also know that when I look at my sisters family with a 10 and 8 year old I think it sounds like a blast - camp outs and hiking and being able to pack the weekends with fun activities beyond putzing around the playground. So no, I don't know exactly what parenting an 10 yo will be like, but I know that in general that is something I will enjoy more than parenting a baby.

I think 8-10 years old is an exceptional sweet spot. Past all the little kid craziness but not quite to the dreaded middle school/teenage years.

IDK. If you want a third, do it! Don't listen to us! But I do think that it's possible you're in for way more years of difficulty than you are imagining - both in the near term (until your third is 5 or 6, at least) and in the longer term (as soon as your kids hit middle school).

[Anonymous]

Mothers of toddlers, I still have a toddler of my own (in addition to older kids) so I get how the baby/toddler period is difficult, but it is still not easy having older children. Remember how you thought you’d just put your baby to the breast and it’d be easy, natural and wonderful? Or as long as you instilled good sleep habits, your kid would just magically sleep through the night? You’re just as deluded about what it’ll be like to be a mom of older kids.

Hurt feelings, hard questions, homework, problems at school, bullying, navigating friendships, sports, music, birthday parties, choosing schools/camps, navigating screen time limits, developmental concerns, braces, glasses, school plays and concerts, why do people die?, what is a period?, why am I different from my friends?, social media, Scouts camping trips, nightmares, broken bones, puberty, etc. etc.

You shouldn’t have kids if you’re just looking to get through it, IMO.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three so I’m not opposed to bigger families, but it doesn’t sound like you want one. It’s perfectly wonderful to have two kids. No need to suffer through anything. Just enjoy your baby.

+1 maybe you would enjoy the baby stage more if you had time to enjoy your kids rather than popping them out to “get this stage over with.”

Hmmmm - interesting feedback. I just hate the first 6mo or so and then it’s ok until they drop to 1 nap and then it’s amazing. Both of mine had lots of breastfeeding issues, sleep issues, and in general I feel like the first 6 months is just constantly trying to get them to eat or sleep and everyone crying. I figured by the time #3 got here, 1 and 2 would be on the same schedule (one nap a day, walking around) and could stick together with a care giver while the baby stayed home. I could get let’s of help to care for the baby (very close Inlaws who wish they could just have all my kids move in with them forever, ability to hire help) so that could ease some of the awfulness.

I guess what I’m trying to think through is how beyond less sleep is it awful. I know someone will say “it’s a whole additional person” but before having 1 it was hard to imagine why a baby is tough, before having a second it wasn’t really on my radar that the second would make the first more difficult just bc of his adjusting to baby, so I’m trying to understand my blind spots

I want a 3rd bc kids are awesome, I want to raise another person and kids my kids siblings for a warm home life long term (not a guarantee I know). I just hate all the ways the first year limits your life if they’re difficult babies so I wouldn’t want to get to the stage of like a 4 and 5 year old and then have to go back to no travel, lots of naps,etc

I don't know if you should have a third or not but I just wanted to mention that your whole POV here is very myopic. If you actually got pregnant with a third right now, what you would have is a 3.5 year old, a 1.5 year old, and a newborn.

That 3.5 year old is not going to be napping anymore, most likely. So you do not get a break in the middle of the day. They will start having extracurriculars and activities and playdates that you need to think about. I have an almost-3.5 year old and while she is getting more independent in a lot of ways, we are still constantly needing to tend to her needs, like snacks, the potty (omg), crafts set up, milk, etc. And she talks constantly. And have you moved your kid out of a crib yet? That's a huge sleep setback IME.

The 1.5 year old will be walking around, yes, but also getting into EVERYTHING. So you have a wide awake 3.5 year old who still very much needs your attention, who you are racing to the potty every hour or two, who is possibly getting out of bed multiple times a night; a 1.5 year old who is climbing furniture, throwing toys on the ground, sticking all of your 3.5 year old's little toys in their mouth, needing their diaper changed, having tantrums, etc. AND a newborn who is nursing 24/7, screaming, needing to be held for every nap, waking you up every 2 hours, all night long, etc.

I found the age of 2-2.5 to be this kind of magical stasis where my kid was chatty, happy, sweet, and self-sufficient, and I also almost convinced myself that the hard part was over. A year later I still love my kid but the hard part was NOT over! Now she doesn't nap, she gets out of bed, she looks me dead in the eyes while defying every word I said, her meltdowns are EPIC. And honestly my 3 year old is pretty easy/agreeable by comparison to her friends, as far as I can tell.

I am honestly not trying to say if you should have a 3rd or not - I am personally still on the fence about a third so what do I know? - but as someone who is just slightly ahead of you with my oldest I wanted to tell you that you are not out of the woods with that one. I don't know if there is an age where they honestly do get easier or not, but I do know that 3 is not it.

Those are great points, thank you

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have three so I’m not opposed to bigger families, but it doesn’t sound like you want one. It’s perfectly wonderful to have two kids. No need to suffer through anything. Just enjoy your baby.

+1 maybe you would enjoy the baby stage more if you had time to enjoy your kids rather than popping them out to “get this stage over with.”

Hmmmm - interesting feedback. I just hate the first 6mo or so and then it’s ok until they drop to 1 nap and then it’s amazing. Both of mine had lots of breastfeeding issues, sleep issues, and in general I feel like the first 6 months is just constantly trying to get them to eat or sleep and everyone crying. I figured by the time #3 got here, 1 and 2 would be on the same schedule (one nap a day, walking around) and could stick together with a care giver while the baby stayed home. I could get let’s of help to care for the baby (very close Inlaws who wish they could just have all my kids move in with them forever, ability to hire help) so that could ease some of the awfulness.

I guess what I’m trying to think through is how beyond less sleep is it awful. I know someone will say “it’s a whole additional person” but before having 1 it was hard to imagine why a baby is tough, before having a second it wasn’t really on my radar that the second would make the first more difficult just bc of his adjusting to baby, so I’m trying to understand my blind spots

I want a 3rd bc kids are awesome, I want to raise another person and kids my kids siblings for a warm home life long term (not a guarantee I know). I just hate all the ways the first year limits your life if they’re difficult babies so I wouldn’t want to get to the stage of like a 4 and 5 year old and then have to go back to no travel, lots of naps,etc

I don't know if you should have a third or not but I just wanted to mention that your whole POV here is very myopic. If you actually got pregnant with a third right now, what you would have is a 3.5 year old, a 1.5 year old, and a newborn.

That 3.5 year old is not going to be napping anymore, most likely. So you do not get a break in the middle of the day. They will start having extracurriculars and activities and playdates that you need to think about. I have an almost-3.5 year old and while she is getting more independent in a lot of ways, we are still constantly needing to tend to her needs, like snacks, the potty (omg), crafts set up, milk, etc. And she talks constantly. And have you moved your kid out of a crib yet? That's a huge sleep setback IME.

The 1.5 year old will be walking around, yes, but also getting into EVERYTHING. So you have a wide awake 3.5 year old who still very much needs your attention, who you are racing to the potty every hour or two, who is possibly getting out of bed multiple times a night; a 1.5 year old who is climbing furniture, throwing toys on the ground, sticking all of your 3.5 year old's little toys in their mouth, needing their diaper changed, having tantrums, etc. AND a newborn who is nursing 24/7, screaming, needing to be held for every nap, waking you up every 2 hours, all night long, etc.

I found the age of 2-2.5 to be this kind of magical stasis where my kid was chatty, happy, sweet, and self-sufficient, and I also almost convinced myself that the hard part was over. A year later I still love my kid but the hard part was NOT over! Now she doesn't nap, she gets out of bed, she looks me dead in the eyes while defying every word I said, her meltdowns are EPIC. And honestly my 3 year old is pretty easy/agreeable by comparison to her friends, as far as I can tell.

I am honestly not trying to say if you should have a 3rd or not - I am personally still on the fence about a third so what do I know? - but as someone who is just slightly ahead of you with my oldest I wanted to tell you that you are not out of the woods with that one. I don't know if there is an age where they honestly do get easier or not, but I do know that 3 is not it.

Threenagers are real. I am the PP who is pregnant with her third and my two will be 5 and 3.5 when third is born. I got pregnant when the second was still 2 years old. Thank god. Because she hit 3 with a vengeance and I am so I am already pregnant because she would make me reconsider doing this again. Sweet as pie one minute and an absolute insane banshee the next. Praying we turn a corner when she turns 4 but I have a long way to go before then!

[Anonymous]

Replace yourself and your husband, if you absolutely feel the need (mission accomplished). Focus your time, attention, and money on those two and raise them up to be successful, thoughtful, contributing members of society.

Why on earth anyone feels the need to have more is completely lost on me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I am currently pregnant with number 3 and I would suggest waiting at least a little bit. My first are 19 months apart but then we waited and there will be a 3.5 year age gap between 2 and 3. So far it seems to have worked out well since we will only have 2 in daycare at one time. DD1 will be 5 and DD2 will be 3.5 when the new baby comes. I am so glad we didn't do it any closer since I can trust my 5 year old and somewhat trust my 3.5 year old not to die while I am putting the baby down, etc. Any closer of a gap is hard. But I also do a lot solo. If your DH is around and your have involved ILs then maybe it would work.

This is my spacing exactly and it's very nice. A spacing of 3.5 years felt like a total breeze after tackling the 2 year age gap, and my two youngest (both boys, elementary school ages) are very bonded now, pretty much inseparable.

That being said, I had time on my side - I think my answer to you would depend on how old you are now. Are you still early thirties, or are you closer to 40 and time really is an issue if you want a third?

Do you worry that the 3.5 year old will never really be part of the other sibling unit? I like the idea of close together b/c it seems like they'll be their own little gang vs 2 that are close, and "the baby" that is kind of on its own. i was 2y9m younger than my sister and even that kind of felt like too big of a gap for us to be friends growing up though we became friends once we were both in college

I am the first PP and yes I am a little worried about the dynamics of 3 kids with the first two being very close in age and then the baby by themselves. We may end up having a 4th but time will tell. I am on the younger side so we have time (36 when baby 3 is born and haven't needed any medical intervention to have the 3 kids). But if we go for a 4th we would do it to have a close age gab between 3 and 4.

I'm the pp with the boys that are 3.5 years apart. They are much closer and play more together than with their sister (who is 2 and 5.5 years older). I think this is just completely dependent on the sexes of the kids you have and their personalities. Also depends on how the school year lands for each - in our case, we held the oldest boy back so they are only three years apart grade wise not four, which helps (but that wasn't why we delayed K).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Replace yourself and your husband, if you absolutely feel the need (mission accomplished). Focus your time, attention, and money on those two and raise them up to be successful, thoughtful, contributing members of society.

Why on earth anyone feels the need to have more is completely lost on me.

Everyone's different! My family didn't feel complete with two kids. No regrets.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know sooooo many people with this “get it over with” mentality.... you have no idea how much harder things are going to get. None.

Seriously. I'm not saying this to be obnoxious but life gets infinitely crazier and busier with kids once they hit late elementary, middle school, etc.
I LONG for the days when our only concerns were feeling them, getting them to sleep, etc.

We have 3 (within 3 years) and it's insanity now that they're in middle school. Give me babies any day.

Ha, I have kids in middle school and don't miss the pregnancy and baby phases whatsoever. I think it's fair to be honest that not everyone likes that time period (diapers, spit up, lack of sleep, etc).

Now toddlers - that was the age I just adored.

[Anonymous]

OP... you hate having babies but yet are risking having two babies at the same time! If you get pregnant right now (which could happen... I had fertility treatments for my first but conceived my second as soon as we stopped preventing) your kids will be ~18 months apart. An 18 month old is still very much a baby. I think you're going to be miserable. I would wait a little bit, if you strongly feel you want a third.

[Anonymous]

2 young kids is hard enough. I would wait another year at least. You shouldn’t have another to get the baby stage over with.

My older 2 kids are exactly 2 years apart and my youngest is almost 5y younger than middle child. I love our spacing. Older kids are in elementary now and I get to hang out with toddler during the day. It is great.

When my older ones were little, I always felt like I was just trying to survive.