staying in touch while kid is in college

[Anonymous]

It really does depend a lot on the kid and parent style. My husband likes talking on the phone (which I hate), and I like texting.

DD (a Jr.) is like me, and we text multiple times a week, and sometimes multiple times a day. Often it's just fun stuff, but she'll also let me know if she's stressed or wants my advice on something. DH is always annoyed that she doesn't call him unless guilted into it, but he never texts her about anything other than logistics.

DS is a freshman, and while he constantly texts his friends, he will blow off 50% of the texts I send. He calls me once every week or two on his way to or from class. He and DH talk frequently via phone, but 99% of their conversation is about the sport DS is playing. When DS and I talk, I am always trying to get updates on his social life or classes. He is very quick to text me if he needs something.

[Anonymous]

With my kid having expectations didn’t work. She has anxiety and it only stressed her out more. The first two weeks were really hard and I wanted to set something up but it completely backfired because I think having her commit to something like that was hard on her.
She’s a freshman and so far fingers crossed she has been calling or FaceTime every other week and does reply to about 50% of the texts. She started snap chatting me and that really helps. Sometimes she can’t talk but seeing her face makes me feel so much better especially since I know it’s hard for her right now at school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:With my two sons, we developed a habit of a just saying hi, no-nag call - either phone or Facetime - at least once a week, usually on Sunday afternoon or evening. Then if the weekend got too busy, either parent or child would arrange for a Monday/Tuesday call. The no-nag part is important. From time to time during the week we'd also do group/family texts.

If you want to hear from them more immediately, change the family Netflix password.

Netflix lol ! True

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised at how frequently parents talk with their Kids. I’m not quite at that stage yet, but I don’t think I called my own parents nearly that much. Once a week seems reasonable, however, I think I averaged 1-2 per month, unless they were visiting or I was home on break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised at how frequently parents talk with their Kids. I’m not quite at that stage yet, but I don’t think I called my own parents nearly that much. Once a week seems reasonable, however, I think I averaged 1-2 per month, unless they were visiting or I was home on break.

Different generations, different habits? Technology has made it so much it easier to share more and do it on a whim if you choose.

I graduated in 1989. I spoke to my parents once a week, from a phone booth on my dorm hallway. Had to call collect or use one of those annoying long distance calling cards. My mom also sent letters or notes a couple times a week and occasionally I’d send her one. Email wasn’t even a thing yet.

[Anonymous]

I have two girls currently in college. The older one texts frequently and calls daily, often multiple times a day, to ask questions, share things that are happening, just say hi or while she is walking somewhere alone. We are close. My younger DD is a freshman and must think the daily contact is the norm after seeing her sister do it, so she also texts almost every day and calls pretty much every day, too. I actually asked her to stop FaceTiming me so much and just make regular phone calls! Both girls have good friends and are social, and both tell me that their friends have commented on the good relationship they have with me. I'm glad for it, but after reading this thread I'm wondering if I should encourage them to limit their calls to me a little bit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have two girls currently in college. The older one texts frequently and calls daily, often multiple times a day, to ask questions, share things that are happening, just say hi or while she is walking somewhere alone. We are close. My younger DD is a freshman and must think the daily contact is the norm after seeing her sister do it, so she also texts almost every day and calls pretty much every day, too. I actually asked her to stop FaceTiming me so much and just make regular phone calls! Both girls have good friends and are social, and both tell me that their friends have commented on the good relationship they have with me. I'm glad for it, but after reading this thread I'm wondering if I should encourage them to limit their calls to me a little bit.

You gotta go with your gut. My son’s college strongly encourages parents to step back and let them build a life away from us, which can be harder for them to do if you are in constant communication at home. But that sort of standard advice doesn’t of course make sense to everyone.

I personally think sharing is good and depending on the questions, maybe not so much. Maybe be a sounding board but don’t offer solutions or opinions (so hard!). Direct her back to resources on campus, tell her to trust her judgment, and for adulting-type questions suggest looks it up online.

If you decide to pull back I’d just be become less available to chat - “hi, everything ok? I’m really swamped with this project now so can we catch up on X day? Love you!”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I really need help with the "no nag" part.

Though I understand that if I don't work on that, the frequency will decline.

(Mea culpa)

Maybe? I nag quite a bit and it hasn't impacted frequency. DS does some clever evasion/distraction on pointed questions but we text most days and talk 1-2 times a week. I think being able to laugh about failings and back off and give freedom is more important than not nagging in the first place, but I honestly think my kid would think I stopped caring if I stopped nagging.