N-mother Inviting Self for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

I hope your mom is actually a narcissist and has been genuinely impossible to deal with.

Because if she isn't, and you're in a weird fantasy world, there are NO words for how you're treating your mother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would start a new family tradition and go to some new mystery location out of town each Thanksgiving.

Yes, by all means allow the crazy mother to dictate how you plan your most cherished holidays. Or stand firm and call the police when someone trespasses.

Yes, well I have already done the crazy holiday with police and 2 ambulances called. I prefer not to do a sequel to that year.

[Anonymous]

I would book a weekend trip, even if it is just renting a nice AirBnB an hour away. I would let my mother know that we are unavailable and we can try to find a mutually agreeable time for a visit. I would not give her details of what we are doing because I wouldn’t want her to find ways to include herself or try to modify her plans.
Then I would hold off on telling my children about the trip until just before.
I get the whole not answering the door and I agree it really sends the message, however, I would not want to spend my Thanksgiving constantly stressed about when that knock will come and also do not want to subject my family to the stress of that drama. Because whether we agree to the visit or refuse to answer the door, the holiday is essentially ruined either way. Getting out of town seems like the most likely way to have a mom drama free Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

NP. Does anyone have statistics on narcissistic disorder in general population? What is it, 2%, 5%, 10%? Genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

Yes, by all means allow the crazy mother to dictate how you plan your most cherished holidays. Or stand firm and call the police when someone trespasses.

This is easier said than done. This is also the biggest problems with narcissists. They don't mind creating a scene or inflicting distress on others to get their way. Normal people want to avoid situations where a relative is pounding on their doors and the police are called.

I have a batshit crazy aunt. DH and I are happy to grey rock her, block all calls and just ignore her. The problem is that she will seek us out at family events and scream at us for not engaging her. We will just walk away and leave but we just drove two hours to get there and wanted to see other family members. She doesn't care if she ruins things for everyone else. She is surrounded by too many enablers who just want to keep the peace so they give in to her tantrums and then make fun of her behind her back. We get tons of sympathy from other relatives that oh yes she is crazy, no one can stand being with her and then they just let her walk all over them. One has said that it really doesn't matter what you do with her. Standing firm, being direct, yelling back, ignoring -none of it makes any difference because there is no line she will not cross to get what she wants.

In OP's situation I would 100% travel or lie about traveling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Does anyone have statistics on narcissistic disorder in general population? What is it, 2%, 5%, 10%? Genuinely curious.

I would think this would be near impossible to get a statistic on since people afflicted with this think there is nothing wrong with themselves. Even if they are seeing a mental health professional, it can be hard to pick up on since their interactions are minimal and their version of things is generally not accurate.

But it doesn’t matter if she is or isn’t a narcissist. Everyone has the right to chose whom they spend their time with. If someone causes you unhappiness, grief, and anxiety, you have every right and obligation to yourself to decide not to see that person and that should be respected. If it were an ex boyfriend or ex husband that kept showing up after you told them to leave you alone and to not come over, that would be harassment. But if a mother does the same to her adult child it is fine? No. You don’t get special rights or privileges to other adults that supersede their rights to love their life as they want because you are related to them.

[Anonymous]

NP. Does anyone have statistics on narcissistic disorder in general population? What is it, 2%, 5%, 10%? Genuinely curious.

I agree with the PP that this would be a hard statistic because by definition narcissists refuse to recognize that there is anything wrong with their behavior.

I have only had to deal with one in my entire life and I have known many people throughout my life. If she wasn't related to us then we would have never been within her sphere so I think people tend to encounter them within families or perhaps work environments.

Narcissists target people who initially give them the attention that they crave. This means that there needs to be proximity, the target has to be worthy of the narcissist wanting them as their source, the target had to be unsuspecting enough to fall into their trap, or the target has to be someone willing to give into obligation or entitlement a few times for the narcissist to latch on. Others around the narcissist may find them to be self centered, grandiose, annoying, or generally obnoxious but until they become a target they don't realize that the person is a narcissist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You've got to lie and say you are traveling.

Never underestimate a narcissist. Saying no to one is simply offering them a challenge to go the next step. They hate boundaries and will become obsessed with trying to smash them. She 100% will show up if simply say you have other plans and she isn't included.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is your mother
She is not narcissistic, you are an ungrateful brat

Op looks like your mom found your post.

LOL! Yeah, OP here, this made me laugh but it’s also pathetic because you never really know. Now she is saying she is just going to show up!!