N-mother Inviting Self for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

I would start a new family tradition and go to some new mystery location out of town each Thanksgiving.

[Anonymous]

If you have the money, spring for a quick vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would start a new family tradition and go to some new mystery location out of town each Thanksgiving.

This is my thought process. I'd plan a two-night Thanksgiving vacation somewhere and tell no one ahead of time.

The only alternative is to accept her this year and see how it goes so you'll know how to proceed next year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she turns up, then don't open the door? Make her wait outside. She's manipulating you into letting her in. Don't fall for it. My own borderline mom flew from Europe to "surprise" me but I did the same to her. She ended up getting a local hotel and hightailed it back home after a few days of harrassment and attempted emotional blackmail. Hold your ground.

That must have taken a lot of strength.

OP your only options are to inform her strongly she is not invited for Thanksgiving and will not be let in. Explain this to your sons and that you *may need to call the police to help her understand she does not have a right to be at your house after you have told her to not come and asked her to leave. If you did end up calling the police, I'm pretty sure she won't pull something like this again...so there is that.

Other option would be again, to tell her she is not invited and do not come over. But don't mention plans to her or your boys and then be sure to be gone somewhere on Thanksgiving.

Sorry, parents like these are awful.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, you are not invited for Thanksgiving and you are not welcome."

Period.

Horrible position to be in but it sounds like your best course is very direct, non-apologetic clarity.

And if I were you I might make this thanksgiving a big family treat of a fun overnight somewhere with activities you'll all enjoy and not having to cook.

That way you're not there if she does show up and you're not ruining your holiday by worrying that she might.

[Anonymous]

Your teenager are old enough to know that she is crazy. Just tell them that everyone is going to tell her that you are traveling. Pick a destination and even tell her the destination. If she continues on with demanding to just show up, let it slip which hotel you will be staying at on Thanksgiving and then be clear that she is not invited. If she is so brazen to just show up anyway then at least she'll show up in Orlando or Hilton Head instead of your house.

She knows that if she shows up at your house that you will let her in so I don't think its an empty threat. If she gets away with this once, she will keep doing it. Narcissists get a big boost when they get their way. It will be next to impossible for her to resist doing it again. If she shows up somewhere where you are not and where you told her that she wasn't invited she is really screwed and will have to come up with something else in the future.

[Anonymous]

"Mom, I have already made plans for this Thanksgiving and they are not changeable at this point. I'm afraid that we aren't able to add you to these plans and you would be throwing money away to travel here only to figure out on your own what to do on that day. We could FaceTime with you in the morning if you would like but getting together in person won't be possible."

[Anonymous]

You've got to lie and say you are traveling.

Never underestimate a narcissist. Saying no to one is simply offering them a challenge to go the next step. They hate boundaries and will become obsessed with trying to smash them. She 100% will show up if simply say you have other plans and she isn't included.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Never underestimate a narcissist. Saying no to one is simply offering them a challenge to go the next step.

OP again. This is why I usually gray rock.

[Anonymous]

This is your mother
She is not narcissistic, you are an ungrateful brat

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I absolutely don’t want her here but she is the kind to just make the arrangements and show up, because it’s not like we will just let her stand outside the house knocking for hours. It also puts our sons in a bad position because they aren’t really the ones with a beef so of course they would want the holiday to be nice so why wouldn’t mom and dad just let her in? UGH.

Then you need to be very clear that she will not be allowed in, and if she trespasses, you will call the police.

Of course OP can’t do that. She already said that’s not what her kids would want. This would be far worse than letting her in.

OP sounds like you either have to convince her not to come or you need to suck it up.

OMG this is ridiculous. OP does not need to convince her mother of anything. Narcissists are beyond convincing. That’s why they are narcissists. OP can make it clear exactly once to her mother that she is not invited and will not be allowed in. Beyond that, yes, the police need to be called. It doesn’t matter that this isn’t what the kids want. They are kids, they don’t have the context or life experiences to make these kind of decisions. In fact, especially if the kids are girls, they need to see that no means no and there will be no compromises on that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your mother
She is not narcissistic, you are an ungrateful brat

I’m guessing you’re a narcissist yourself who lacks any and all self awareness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would start a new family tradition and go to some new mystery location out of town each Thanksgiving.

Yes, by all means allow the crazy mother to dictate how you plan your most cherished holidays. Or stand firm and call the police when someone trespasses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I absolutely don’t want her here but she is the kind to just make the arrangements and show up, because it’s not like we will just let her stand outside the house knocking for hours. It also puts our sons in a bad position because they aren’t really the ones with a beef so of course they would want the holiday to be nice so why wouldn’t mom and dad just let her in? UGH.

Then you need to be very clear that she will not be allowed in, and if she trespasses, you will call the police.

This. You have to let her knock for hours. Boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is your mother
She is not narcissistic, you are an ungrateful brat

Op looks like your mom found your post.