N-mother Inviting Self for Thanksgiving

[Anonymous]

My mother is a narcissist and I cut her off for the most part years ago, she still occasionally keeps in touch with my sons who are now teens so they are distant but polite.

She invited us (me, DH, sons) for Thanksgiving (we haven’t spent holidays with her in many years and now that my dad is gone she’s alone). I declined.

She emailed a rampage about me and other members of her family and how awful everyone is, and that now she will be coming here (from several states away) for Thanksgiving. I DID NOT INVITE HER!! I can say we won’t be here but that’s a blatant lie and I think she’d try to wrangle it out of my sons, who also don’t want to lie. What to do?

[Anonymous]

Mine did too. Its the only time of year we see her so we suck it up but do it at our house to control things.

[Anonymous]

My difficult but non-narcissistic mother behaves better when she's out of her own home. If yours does the same, it might actually be a good compromise. Why don't you try this year, and if it's a disaster, you'll have a good reason to ban her from your home next time.

[Anonymous]

Does she have a key to your house?

Respond back that you are having a small, private, immediate family Thanksgiving out of the house, and you will see her another time -- she is not invited for Thanksgiving. Don't tell your sons your plans in advance, but make it a surprise. Go out for the day, book a meal somewhere nice. Go to the movies together, or bowling, or something. Be gone for the day.

It's not the same as the meal at home that you envisioned, but you won't be on pins and needles all day waiting for her to show at the door. If she does come that day and finds the house empty, as well as not knowing where you are, I doubt she'll wait hours until nightfall. You'd probably only have to "be gone" once for it to hit home.

And yes, there will be more rampages, but you knew that already, right? You can't change her. You can prep the day to make it as pleasant and drama-free as possible by being elsewhere and focusing on those you love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My difficult but non-narcissistic mother behaves better when she's out of her own home. If yours does the same, it might actually be a good compromise. Why don't you try this year, and if it's a disaster, you'll have a good reason to ban her from your home next time.

Some people are better, but some are worse because they're out of their routine and feel like they lack control.

OP, you can NOT allow her to come for Thanksgiving - then she will think she can invite herself to whatever she wants. You must take a firm stance. That is the only thing she will understand - unified, enforced boundaries.

[Anonymous]

OP again, I absolutely don’t want her here but she is the kind to just make the arrangements and show up, because it’s not like we will just let her stand outside the house knocking for hours. It also puts our sons in a bad position because they aren’t really the ones with a beef so of course they would want the holiday to be nice so why wouldn’t mom and dad just let her in? UGH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I absolutely don’t want her here but she is the kind to just make the arrangements and show up, because it’s not like we will just let her stand outside the house knocking for hours. It also puts our sons in a bad position because they aren’t really the ones with a beef so of course they would want the holiday to be nice so why wouldn’t mom and dad just let her in? UGH.

Then you need to be very clear that she will not be allowed in, and if she trespasses, you will call the police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I absolutely don’t want her here but she is the kind to just make the arrangements and show up, because it’s not like we will just let her stand outside the house knocking for hours. It also puts our sons in a bad position because they aren’t really the ones with a beef so of course they would want the holiday to be nice so why wouldn’t mom and dad just let her in? UGH.

Then you need to be very clear that she will not be allowed in, and if she trespasses, you will call the police.

Of course OP can’t do that. She already said that’s not what her kids would want. This would be far worse than letting her in.

OP sounds like you either have to convince her not to come or you need to suck it up.

[Anonymous]

Make plans and leave your house. Go to a nice restaurant. Then get tickets to a movie.

[Anonymous]

Okay, you need to stop with using your teen sons as an excuse here. They're old enough to be let in on what's going on:
"Listen, Grandma is not someone I want in our lives. She's been very hurtful, and it's important that I set some clear boundaries. She's invited herself here for Thanksgiving, and I've told her she can't come. What questions do you have for me?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again, I absolutely don’t want her here but she is the kind to just make the arrangements and show up, because it’s not like we will just let her stand outside the house knocking for hours. It also puts our sons in a bad position because they aren’t really the ones with a beef so of course they would want the holiday to be nice so why wouldn’t mom and dad just let her in? UGH.

Then you need to be very clear that she will not be allowed in, and if she trespasses, you will call the police.

Of course OP can’t do that. She already said that’s not what her kids would want. This would be far worse than letting her in.

OP sounds like you either have to convince her not to come or you need to suck it up.

The snowflakes will need to learn how to deal with such people sooner or later! If the mother shows up at the door, what is OP going to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay, you need to stop with using your teen sons as an excuse here. They're old enough to be let in on what's going on:
"Listen, Grandma is not someone I want in our lives. She's been very hurtful, and it's important that I set some clear boundaries. She's invited herself here for Thanksgiving, and I've told her she can't come. What questions do you have for me?"

They absolutely know the deal and they just don’t want conflict although they know why DH and I got to this point with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Okay, you need to stop with using your teen sons as an excuse here. They're old enough to be let in on what's going on:
"Listen, Grandma is not someone I want in our lives. She's been very hurtful, and it's important that I set some clear boundaries. She's invited herself here for Thanksgiving, and I've told her she can't come. What questions do you have for me?"

They absolutely know the deal and they just don’t want conflict although they know why DH and I got to this point with her.

They're teens.
You're not doing them a favor by coddling them. Model strength instead. Teach them how to deal with your mother.

[Anonymous]

I would have Thanksgiving in the park to avoid dealing with someone rude enough to demand entry into my home knowing that they aren't welcome. It's not like it would be a nice Thanksgiving meal anyway.

I would also give my kids permission to block her number.

[Anonymous]

If she turns up, then don't open the door? Make her wait outside. She's manipulating you into letting her in. Don't fall for it. My own borderline mom flew from Europe to "surprise" me but I did the same to her. She ended up getting a local hotel and hightailed it back home after a few days of harrassment and attempted emotional blackmail. Hold your ground.