Marriage counselor says I need a passion...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it. Not everyone is a "hobby person." If OP is a goal-oriented person who would prefer to be doing practical things on the weekends, then taking up square dancing is not really going to be fulfilling.

But I guess I"m more wondering why the therapist thinks "fairness" needs to be restored. What is it that you don't like about his trips? Is it the money, or that he's gone, and you don't get similar funds and time off? Or is it that you don't have something you share? Or is it that your life is unfulfilling?

You need to think about the bolded, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love glass. Stained glass. Fused glass. Mosaics. I take classes as often as I can. I travel to take classes. I spend money on tools and supplies.

I don’t love to make glass art, but I love to look at it. I would travel to glass museums or galleries.

[Anonymous]

Are you being serious? Gotta be trolling here a bit, right? If not, what's wrong with hanging on the couch, eating icecream, watching Netlix?

[Anonymous]

Marathons. Or halfs. They are perfect for this.

[Anonymous]

I’m sort of having this issue with DW - she doesn’t have any passions or hobbies. She likes yoga, but is not super serious about it. She goes to NYC a couples times per year with her sister or girlfriends, but it’s not really a sustaining activity.

Anyways, I’m trying to get more into outdoor activities with DW and include her, but she’s blatantly not uncomfortable with camping, hiking, or even riding a bike on a flat and east trail. I’m also super passionate about skiing (I’ve been an avid skier for 20+ years) and now starting to feel major guilt about my annual trips since we now have young kids. DW just isn’t into it, despite numerous lessons.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it. Not everyone is a "hobby person." If OP is a goal-oriented person who would prefer to be doing practical things on the weekends, then taking up square dancing is not really going to be fulfilling.

But I guess I"m more wondering why the therapist thinks "fairness" needs to be restored. What is it that you don't like about his trips? Is it the money, or that he's gone, and you don't get similar funds and time off? Or is it that you don't have something you share? Or is it that your life is unfulfilling?

You need to think about the bolded, OP.

The H probably said she is boring and doesn’t do anything..

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Marathons. Or halfs. They are perfect for this.

But running is Super bad for you body and will cause issues long term.

[Anonymous]

You either have a bad marriage therapist, or you are misinterpreting the therapist’s advice.

Why are you in therapy in the first place? What’s wrong with your marriage? Lack of communication? Fighting? No intimacy? Certainly it can’t just be golf?

All the golf widows I know (and I know plenty...the wealthy country club kind) tag along when the wives are joining and stay behind 2-3 times a year during the boys’ trips (think: St. Andrews or work-related).

You aren’t chained to the resort. You could venture off on your own and then spend the evenings together. (Think: sex.)

I’m curious why the therapist suggested a hobby that involves expensive travel the exact amount of time as your husband? I’m wondering if you misunderstood? That sort of tit for tat approach to marriage isn’t healthy (in fact, it’s quite toxic).

Is the real issue that you aren’t independent? Too needy?

Do you work? Do you have kids?

Personally, if I were in your shoes I’d want to travel...but I’d want my husband to travel with me. Does that sound appealing? If not, then I’m not sure your marriage is worth saving.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sort of having this issue with DW - she doesn’t have any passions or hobbies. She likes yoga, but is not super serious about it. She goes to NYC a couples times per year with her sister or girlfriends, but it’s not really a sustaining activity.

Anyways, I’m trying to get more into outdoor activities with DW and include her, but she’s blatantly not uncomfortable with camping, hiking, or even riding a bike on a flat and east trail. I’m also super passionate about skiing (I’ve been an avid skier for 20+ years) and now starting to feel major guilt about my annual trips since we now have young kids. DW just isn’t into it, despite numerous lessons.

Why do you care about this? it’s not your wife’s fault she doesn’t like skiing or camping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You either have a bad marriage therapist, or you are misinterpreting the therapist’s advice.

Why are you in therapy in the first place? What’s wrong with your marriage? Lack of communication? Fighting? No intimacy? Certainly it can’t just be golf?

All the golf widows I know (and I know plenty...the wealthy country club kind) tag along when the wives are joining and stay behind 2-3 times a year during the boys’ trips (think: St. Andrews or work-related).

You aren’t chained to the resort. You could venture off on your own and then spend the evenings together. (Think: sex.)

I’m curious why the therapist suggested a hobby that involves expensive travel the exact amount of time as your husband? I’m wondering if you misunderstood? That sort of tit for tat approach to marriage isn’t healthy (in fact, it’s quite toxic).

Is the real issue that you aren’t independent? Too needy?

Do you work? Do you have kids?

Personally, if I were in your shoes I’d want to travel...but I’d want my husband to travel with me. Does that sound appealing? If not, then I’m not sure your marriage is worth saving.

It breeds resentment (which is much more toxic) when one half of a couple uses much more disposal income and time (offloading more childcare and hh responsibilities on the other person).

Dh and I get the same amount of fun money for our hobbies/personal use. We also get the same amount of time- dh takes a couple weekend trips throughout the year but I go out more often on a weekly basis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You either have a bad marriage therapist, or you are misinterpreting the therapist’s advice.

Why are you in therapy in the first place? What’s wrong with your marriage? Lack of communication? Fighting? No intimacy? Certainly it can’t just be golf?

All the golf widows I know (and I know plenty...the wealthy country club kind) tag along when the wives are joining and stay behind 2-3 times a year during the boys’ trips (think: St. Andrews or work-related).

You aren’t chained to the resort. You could venture off on your own and then spend the evenings together. (Think: sex.)

I’m curious why the therapist suggested a hobby that involves expensive travel the exact amount of time as your husband? I’m wondering if you misunderstood? That sort of tit for tat approach to marriage isn’t healthy (in fact, it’s quite toxic).

Is the real issue that you aren’t independent? Too needy?

Do you work? Do you have kids?

Personally, if I were in your shoes I’d want to travel...but I’d want my husband to travel with me. Does that sound appealing? If not, then I’m not sure your marriage is worth saving.

It breeds resentment (which is much more toxic) when one half of a couple uses much more disposal income and time (offloading more childcare and hh responsibilities on the other person).

Dh and I get the same amount of fun money for our hobbies/personal use. We also get the same amount of time- dh takes a couple weekend trips throughout the year but I go out more often on a weekly basis.

The concept of keeping score isn’t healthy.

“I’ve changed more diapers than you.”

“You played golf last weekend, so this weekend I get to leave for the day.”

Grown ups are capable of striking the right balance without keeping a literal spreadsheet.

I stand by what I said: bad therapist, or OP misinterpreted. There’s more to this story. She won’t magically fix her marriage by dropping an equal amount of cash and time on a hobby. Can the hobby be shopping? Let’s see how that plays out.

Gentle tip: don’t marry a golfer unless you’re interested in spending most of your life alone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You either have a bad marriage therapist, or you are misinterpreting the therapist’s advice.

Why are you in therapy in the first place? What’s wrong with your marriage? Lack of communication? Fighting? No intimacy? Certainly it can’t just be golf?

All the golf widows I know (and I know plenty...the wealthy country club kind) tag along when the wives are joining and stay behind 2-3 times a year during the boys’ trips (think: St. Andrews or work-related).

You aren’t chained to the resort. You could venture off on your own and then spend the evenings together. (Think: sex.)

I’m curious why the therapist suggested a hobby that involves expensive travel the exact amount of time as your husband? I’m wondering if you misunderstood? That sort of tit for tat approach to marriage isn’t healthy (in fact, it’s quite toxic).

Is the real issue that you aren’t independent? Too needy?

Do you work? Do you have kids?

Personally, if I were in your shoes I’d want to travel...but I’d want my husband to travel with me. Does that sound appealing? If not, then I’m not sure your marriage is worth saving.

It breeds resentment (which is much more toxic) when one half of a couple uses much more disposal income and time (offloading more childcare and hh responsibilities on the other person).

Dh and I get the same amount of fun money for our hobbies/personal use. We also get the same amount of time- dh takes a couple weekend trips throughout the year but I go out more often on a weekly basis.

The concept of keeping score isn’t healthy.

“I’ve changed more diapers than you.”

“You played golf last weekend, so this weekend I get to leave for the day.”

Grown ups are capable of striking the right balance without keeping a literal spreadsheet.

I stand by what I said: bad therapist, or OP misinterpreted. There’s more to this story. She won’t magically fix her marriage by dropping an equal amount of cash and time on a hobby. Can the hobby be shopping? Let’s see how that plays out.

Gentle tip: don’t marry a golfer unless you’re interested in spending most of your life alone.

You sound like the user in the marriage who uses up disproportionate amount of the family income and time.

Neither dh and I consider this to be "score-keeping." Both of us enjoy having disposal income and time to pursue hobbies and guess what? We want the other person to be able to do the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You either have a bad marriage therapist, or you are misinterpreting the therapist’s advice.

Why are you in therapy in the first place? What’s wrong with your marriage? Lack of communication? Fighting? No intimacy? Certainly it can’t just be golf?

All the golf widows I know (and I know plenty...the wealthy country club kind) tag along when the wives are joining and stay behind 2-3 times a year during the boys’ trips (think: St. Andrews or work-related).

You aren’t chained to the resort. You could venture off on your own and then spend the evenings together. (Think: sex.)

I’m curious why the therapist suggested a hobby that involves expensive travel the exact amount of time as your husband? I’m wondering if you misunderstood? That sort of tit for tat approach to marriage isn’t healthy (in fact, it’s quite toxic).

Is the real issue that you aren’t independent? Too needy?

Do you work? Do you have kids?

Personally, if I were in your shoes I’d want to travel...but I’d want my husband to travel with me. Does that sound appealing? If not, then I’m not sure your marriage is worth saving.

It breeds resentment (which is much more toxic) when one half of a couple uses much more disposal income and time (offloading more childcare and hh responsibilities on the other person).

Dh and I get the same amount of fun money for our hobbies/personal use. We also get the same amount of time- dh takes a couple weekend trips throughout the year but I go out more often on a weekly basis.

The concept of keeping score isn’t healthy.

“I’ve changed more diapers than you.”

“You played golf last weekend, so this weekend I get to leave for the day.”

Grown ups are capable of striking the right balance without keeping a literal spreadsheet.

I stand by what I said: bad therapist, or OP misinterpreted. There’s more to this story. She won’t magically fix her marriage by dropping an equal amount of cash and time on a hobby. Can the hobby be shopping? Let’s see how that plays out.

Gentle tip: don’t marry a golfer unless you’re interested in spending most of your life alone.

You sound like the user in the marriage who uses up disproportionate amount of the family income and time.

Neither dh and I consider this to be "score-keeping." Both of us enjoy having disposal income and time to pursue hobbies and guess what? We want the other person to be able to do the same.

Nifty! But it sounds like you two have a healthy relationship and aren’t keeping score. That’s not what seems to be happening with the OP.

FTR, my DH and I don’t keep score. We’re just generous people who want each other to be happy. And our secret is that we like spending time together. While business trips sometimes take us in different directions, we often piggyback couple time or family time on the travel. Neither one of us has a hobby like golf or yoga retreats. Rather, we prioritize joint travel, attending sporting events as a family (whether it’s kids’ sports or professional), etc. Our travel typically entails a mix of active stuff and relaxation.

I still think there’s more to the OP’s story.

[Anonymous]

now starting to feel major guilt about my annual trips

The problem with this is your thinking her choices < your choices. However she choses to fill her time is fine, and probably she is doing what she wants to do. Your "concern" expressed in your entire post actually boarders on being an insult that she's somehow not as interesting as you.

[Anonymous]

I honestly don’t think I could be with someone who had no interests or hobbies aside from watching TV or shuttling the kids to activities. What a boring person.