Marriage counselor says I need a passion...

[Anonymous]

^ who says anyone is doing that?

[Anonymous]

Wow, tough one (not!).if i had that time and money, I would do shorty trips to new places...some hiking outdoors, explore some cities I want to see, a swank yoga resort, some service trips. Sign up for travelzoo and just...go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You either have a bad marriage therapist, or you are misinterpreting the therapist’s advice.

Why are you in therapy in the first place? What’s wrong with your marriage? Lack of communication? Fighting? No intimacy? Certainly it can’t just be golf?

All the golf widows I know (and I know plenty...the wealthy country club kind) tag along when the wives are joining and stay behind 2-3 times a year during the boys’ trips (think: St. Andrews or work-related).

You aren’t chained to the resort. You could venture off on your own and then spend the evenings together. (Think: sex.)

I’m curious why the therapist suggested a hobby that involves expensive travel the exact amount of time as your husband? I’m wondering if you misunderstood? That sort of tit for tat approach to marriage isn’t healthy (in fact, it’s quite toxic).

Is the real issue that you aren’t independent? Too needy?

Do you work? Do you have kids?

Personally, if I were in your shoes I’d want to travel...but I’d want my husband to travel with me. Does that sound appealing? If not, then I’m not sure your marriage is worth saving.

It breeds resentment (which is much more toxic) when one half of a couple uses much more disposal income and time (offloading more childcare and hh responsibilities on the other person).

Dh and I get the same amount of fun money for our hobbies/personal use. We also get the same amount of time- dh takes a couple weekend trips throughout the year but I go out more often on a weekly basis.

The concept of keeping score isn’t healthy.

“I’ve changed more diapers than you.”

“You played golf last weekend, so this weekend I get to leave for the day.”

Grown ups are capable of striking the right balance without keeping a literal spreadsheet.

I stand by what I said: bad therapist, or OP misinterpreted. There’s more to this story. She won’t magically fix her marriage by dropping an equal amount of cash and time on a hobby. Can the hobby be shopping? Let’s see how that plays out.

Gentle tip: don’t marry a golfer unless you’re interested in spending most of your life alone.

You sound like the user in the marriage who uses up disproportionate amount of the family income and time.

Neither dh and I consider this to be "score-keeping." Both of us enjoy having disposal income and time to pursue hobbies and guess what? We want the other person to be able to do the same.

Nifty! But it sounds like you two have a healthy relationship and aren’t keeping score. That’s not what seems to be happening with the OP.

FTR, my DH and I don’t keep score. We’re just generous people who want each other to be happy. And our secret is that we like spending time together. While business trips sometimes take us in different directions, we often piggyback couple time or family time on the travel. Neither one of us has a hobby like golf or yoga retreats. Rather, we prioritize joint travel, attending sporting events as a family (whether it’s kids’ sports or professional), etc. Our travel typically entails a mix of active stuff and relaxation.

I still think there’s more to the OP’s story.

Why is this hard for you to understand - scorekeeping evolves BECAUSE the division of labor/time/resources is unfair. Nobody is out there keeping score of changed diapers 12-10. It's when things are really out of whack that scorekeeping happens.

[Anonymous]

Heck, I would take up a crafting hobby and take that to the high end resort to do when I get tired of the spa. Do the other wives /girlfriends go on the golfing vacations too?

Or take a trip to the beach or hobby vacation when dh goes golfing. There are craft schools and meditation schools, and healthy living resorts, and ranch vacations.

[Anonymous]

Take up horseback riding. It is literally the best. You can go on trail riding/camping weekends or go to horse shows when you get really into it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would love a fund for me to go on rowing retreats! Row every day, eat good food. Maybe rowing could be your passion and you could take me along for company.

I would like to row more too. Not retreats, but I would like to attend regattas with my teammates. Unfortunately, I don’t have the weekends free to do it since we have little kids right now.

Look into rowing, OP!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your big problem in life is getting bored at high end resorts? Sorry, I can't relate.

Also, the poster that casually mentioned cheating as a solution to not having a hobby -- disgraceful.

You must not visit DCUM very often. That this topic made it to page two before this recommendation was made is slightly surprising.

[Anonymous]

^LOL so true. Sort of strange to see so many of these types of posters.

[Anonymous]

I hear some people are very passionate about cocaine. You should try that.

[Anonymous]

Tennis is awesome and almost always at the same resort as golf. I did the same thing . DH really wanted me to play golf but I just never liked it. I’m crazy about tennis. We do our own thing the meet up for dinner.