Divorce threats

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two things:
1. Divorce threat is a cry for attention/help/honest communication. I was the threatener so I know. But our marriage counselor shut down all mention of divorce so I could not mention it but it was always on my mind as an escape valve. Instead I wish we could have talked about what it would mean for us, and how we could avoid it. (We eventually did divorce.)
2. Rather than just ignore it or get mad, try suggesting a trial separation. That would have helped us.

We have had separate bedrooms for 5 years.

You sound more and more like my ex-wife. But the divorce threats started soon after the marriage and continued for a couple of decades.

[Anonymous]

My husband would say things like, "Maybe we should just get a divorce," whenever we had a fight. Whenever that came out, I pretty much always backed down in an argument. I truly felt bad for him when he reached that point because it was just fear and we always worked out whatever we might have been arguing about. His first wife had left him and it was a pretty transparent defense mechanism. One day I was so damn mad during an argument, I just fired right back at him and said that sounded like a great idea for me, less cooking, less laundry, less of other people's crap to pick up, a week at a time to myself. He has never made the threat since.

[Anonymous]

I tell my husband that we should probably divorce so that I can give him complete custody of the children and I will just take them one week in the summer. This is usually when they are driving us bonkers. He then offers me full custody which I politely decline. Does that count?

[Anonymous]

I don’t see why we have to be so black and white with things. There are probably major stressors that are causing this type of language and a serious communication barrier impeding effective and healthy discussions. I don’t think that failure means one needs to throw a ten-year life together away...maybe try intensive therapy together and see where it goes. If all is exhausted, then sure...but that’s the problem with America...everything is so drive through and marriages and divorces are all expected to be quick fixes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t see why we have to be so black and white with things. There are probably major stressors that are causing this type of language and a serious communication barrier impeding effective and healthy discussions. I don’t think that failure means one needs to throw a ten-year life together away...maybe try intensive therapy together and see where it goes. If all is exhausted, then sure...but that’s the problem with America...everything is so drive through and marriages and divorces are all expected to be quick fixes.

OP here: it would be one thing if we had ever been happy. I ignored red flags, almost cancelled the wedding, and almost left at the first divorce threat. It has not ever been “a life together”—it has not been a shared life. We have had separate lives the entire time. “Trying to work it out” has wasted 10 years. This is an instance in which the marriage has always been a mistake and we should have admitted the mistake within the first year and gotten out immediately. There has been no joy...only misery. This is not lack of trying...that trying has wasted our time. People should understand that they are couples who truly should not have married in the first place.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry OP. My DH threatened divorce starting at 4 months after our marriage and we have been married for almost 5 years. At first it was to shut down conversations/ conflict when I was mad. Eg “ well if you feel that way maybe we should get a divorce.” Or if I questioned him too much. I think he felt guilty and was hiding stuff. It was disrespectful and I think emotionally manipulative, if not on borderline sadistic. I used to cry and beg him to stay and say I loved him. Then, I changed and said: “fine, you know where your suitcase is why don’t you pack up and leave.” He stopped the empty threats. Marriage still not perfect but trying to work on it as we have young kids. I usually feel like I am living in same house as someone in “parallel play” each doing own thing but functioning somehow. It is far from perfect. But there are moments of fun and happiness and love. There is also a dark resentment I feel that he has made these threats and I know he will again in future, and part of me hates him for it. I do talk with a therapist. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. My DH threatened divorce starting at 4 months after our marriage and we have been married for almost 5 years. At first it was to shut down conversations/ conflict when I was mad. Eg “ well if you feel that way maybe we should get a divorce.” Or if I questioned him too much. I think he felt guilty and was hiding stuff. It was disrespectful and I think emotionally manipulative, if not on borderline sadistic. I used to cry and beg him to stay and say I loved him. Then, I changed and said: “fine, you know where your suitcase is why don’t you pack up and leave.” He stopped the empty threats. Marriage still not perfect but trying to work on it as we have young kids. I usually feel like I am living in same house as someone in “parallel play” each doing own thing but functioning somehow. It is far from perfect. But there are moments of fun and happiness and love. There is also a dark resentment I feel that he has made these threats and I know he will again in future, and part of me hates him for it. I do talk with a therapist. Good luck OP.

OP here: I was you 5 years ago. Unplanned shock pregnancy trapped me at 18 months in (also was in the wrong state). 18 months ago I agreed to the last divorce threat...divorce should be final by the end of this year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry OP. My DH threatened divorce starting at 4 months after our marriage and we have been married for almost 5 years. At first it was to shut down conversations/ conflict when I was mad. Eg “ well if you feel that way maybe we should get a divorce.” Or if I questioned him too much. I think he felt guilty and was hiding stuff. It was disrespectful and I think emotionally manipulative, if not on borderline sadistic. I used to cry and beg him to stay and say I loved him. Then, I changed and said: “fine, you know where your suitcase is why don’t you pack up and leave.” He stopped the empty threats. Marriage still not perfect but trying to work on it as we have young kids. I usually feel like I am living in same house as someone in “parallel play” each doing own thing but functioning somehow. It is far from perfect. But there are moments of fun and happiness and love. There is also a dark resentment I feel that he has made these threats and I know he will again in future, and part of me hates him for it. I do talk with a therapist. Good luck OP.

Do you find yourself preparing to follow through with separating for when he threatens it again?

[Anonymous]

PP here: I find myself preparing as far as keeping some assets separate so I am not blind sighted when it happens again; also I feel that DH is cheating on me but have no way to prove it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP here: I find myself preparing as far as keeping some assets separate so I am not blind sighted when it happens again; also I feel that DH is cheating on me but have no way to prove it.

OP here: There’s no such things as separate assets in a divorce. If you suspect cheating, I wouldn’t even go through the trouble of trying to prove it because it doesn’t really matter. I would pursue a divorce sooner rather than later. Honestly, you just have one more reason to get out.

Was so over for me early in the marriage that I actually gave my husband permission to cheat. He would not do it. Are used to hope he would fall in love with someone else so we could move faster and I could pursue divorce faster. If I had been in the right location, 10 years would not of passed me by.

[Anonymous]

PP again: thanks O - are there any other insights to share or red flags you saw in attrition to the divorce threats? My DH often gives me the silent treatment but pretends things are ok, then when u try to talk to him about something like childcare or travel he won’t talk, and when I ask him to make a suggestion, he accuses me of always “steamrolling” him - it’s like I ask him what he wants, he says he doesn’t care, so I am forced to make a decision and he later calls it steamrolling. Does any of that sound familiar? I guess it is classic passive agfeessive behavior?

[Anonymous]

My STBX wouldn't make divorce threats per se, but when we had serious fights early on he would say things like "This was always a terrible relationship ... we're just totally imcompatible." No matter how angry I had been at him, this always was truly crushing to me, because it showed he had no faith in our relationship as every being better. I think due to statements like that, I wasn't really able to push through to resolve issues, because I always feared revealing the core that he just did not care. One of the several ways he "disciplined" me into not expecting anything more from him than he was willing to give at any particular time. Regardless of whether our relationship could have worked out, his willingness to go to extremes really kept me quite cowed while our kid was a baby and I felt I needed him.

[Anonymous]

My ex did this early on in our marriage. I always felt like he did it because he somehow felt he had done me a "favor" by finally agreeing to marriage.

His resistance to the idea of marriage should have been my first clue that he was not good marriage material.

He made divorce threats about 2-3 times during fights. I finally pulled his card and got the paperwork to file. Oddly, he never made the threat again. Ultimately, our marriage did not survive due to countless incompatibility issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I tell my husband that we should probably divorce so that I can give him complete custody of the children and I will just take them one week in the summer. This is usually when they are driving us bonkers. He then offers me full custody which I politely decline. Does that count?

Thanks for the laugh!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PP again: thanks O - are there any other insights to share or red flags you saw in attrition to the divorce threats? My DH often gives me the silent treatment but pretends things are ok, then when u try to talk to him about something like childcare or travel he won’t talk, and when I ask him to make a suggestion, he accuses me of always “steamrolling” him - it’s like I ask him what he wants, he says he doesn’t care, so I am forced to make a decision and he later calls it steamrolling. Does any of that sound familiar? I guess it is classic passive agfeessive behavior?

Not OP, but I could have written everything you did. I'm trying to make things work at least for the short-term because we're not in a great place financially. Now that DC is older, I'm focusing on my career and trying to work my way out of this mess. I agree it's passive aggressive behavior. I would add to the list: lying about inconsequential (and later consequential/EA) things, not willing to "share" money (discussing anything financial is a nightmare), has never apologized for anything, and something it took me a weirdly long time to recognize is that he never compliments me on anything. I don't ask him for input on things to the extent possible. If I plan something to do with DC (even taking a trip), I'll say, DC and I are doing X on Y, do you want to come with us, and leave it at that.