Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43

[Anonymous]

I think you need to think about the child you already have. This divorce is going to be hard on him and you need to be there for him. NOT getting a new boyfriend and a new baby.

[Anonymous]

The risk of miscarriage at your age and so early in the pregnancy is quite high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t have the baby. You’re not in the right place and it would cause you too much stress figuring out how to provide for another child. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you can’t live off child support and alimony forever. You will eventually needs a means of supporting yourself and another child is not at all conducive to that goal.

+100

Focus on the child you have and the independent life you need to build for yourself and that child.

I'm sorry you're in such a tough situation, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, our custody arrangement during separation is I have my son M-F and my ex has his most weekends, so I am the primary parent. I have had a few jobs, but got married out of school and was a housewife before kids and a caregiver to both my parents for over a decade before they both died from cancer.

Do not move in with the boyfriend. You don't know him well enough to put your child in that scenario.

But if she has another child that is his, it is better for that child if she lives with the child's father. A horrible dilemma, to be sure.

[Anonymous]

OP you are in a precarious position already. The last thing you need is another baby to care for. You already have one and an uncertain future.

[Anonymous]

I am a parent to a 3-year-old. My son and his comfort and stability are more important to me than having another baby with another man whom I have only been dating for 3 months. Kids are still so little at this age and they need a lot of love and comfort. You're proposing major changes to your 3-year-old's living situation -- not just through the divorce, but also by having your new boyfriend (whom you don't know very well) move in, and then creating a new family where you are the mommy and the boyfriend is the daddy to a new baby (all while your 3-year-old's own daddy lives somewhere else). All of that will be pretty confusing and stressful for your 3-year-old. I just cannot imagine putting my own son through something like that.

Personally, I would terminate the pregnancy. And then get an IUD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an abortion and how did it affect you? I'm pro-choice but now that it comes down to me making the decision, I'm scared of how that will affect me.

I had one when ds was about 1.5 years old. Birth control fail. I did not want a second for various reasons. DH was happy with 1 but would have respected whatever I chose. It has not affected me at all. I didn't mourn, I wasn't sad, I don't think about it. I'm thankful we live in a country where that option is available in a safe and secure environment.

This seems callous and disingenuous. You don’t even think about it? I have never met one person who has had one and never thinks about it.

Correct, I don't. I was and still am 100% confident in my decision. I'm not sure what there is to still think about 5 years later. Correction, the only time I think about it is when talks of abortion/women's rights come up, such as here. But then I think of it no differently than if someone was asking about having a minor surgery. I know there are some.people that think "oh if I didn't have the abortion x would be going off to K" or "I wonder how our lives would be different if I hadnt had an abortion" , but those thoughts have quite honestly never run through my head.

Everyone's experience is different. Perhaps I'm an outlier. But OP asked if anyone had had one and I gave my honest opinion.

I also find this callous. I am pro-choice and always have been. But the idea of aborting my child’s sibling is heart-wrenching to me.

So you're not pro-choice, you're for choice in certain scenarios and YOU establish the guidelines. Pro-choice means you allow the woman to decide 100% and you don't get to judge her for her decision.

OP, I wish you the best and support whatever you do. Either way will be difficult but there are a lot of people who support you no matter what.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an abortion and how did it affect you? I'm pro-choice but now that it comes down to me making the decision, I'm scared of how that will affect me.

I had one when ds was about 1.5 years old. Birth control fail. I did not want a second for various reasons. DH was happy with 1 but would have respected whatever I chose. It has not affected me at all. I didn't mourn, I wasn't sad, I don't think about it. I'm thankful we live in a country where that option is available in a safe and secure environment.

This seems callous and disingenuous. You don’t even think about it? I have never met one person who has had one and never thinks about it.

Correct, I don't. I was and still am 100% confident in my decision. I'm not sure what there is to still think about 5 years later. Correction, the only time I think about it is when talks of abortion/women's rights come up, such as here. But then I think of it no differently than if someone was asking about having a minor surgery. I know there are some.people that think "oh if I didn't have the abortion x would be going off to K" or "I wonder how our lives would be different if I hadnt had an abortion" , but those thoughts have quite honestly never run through my head.

Everyone's experience is different. Perhaps I'm an outlier. But OP asked if anyone had had one and I gave my honest opinion.

I also find this callous. I am pro-choice and always have been. But the idea of aborting my child’s sibling is heart-wrenching to me.

You guys need to get a grip. I'm a totally new poster and I believe if I had an abortion it would linger in my mind but PP's experience is as valid as any others. We don't all have to be the same. Legal access to abortion doesn't come with a requirement that, 'if you do get one you need to feel really bad about it for the rest of your life.'

PP hasn't had 10 abortions, she had one, and it was the right decision and she hasn't regretted it and doesn't dwell on it. Good for her, that is literally why we fight for the right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an abortion and how did it affect you? I'm pro-choice but now that it comes down to me making the decision, I'm scared of how that will affect me.

I had one when ds was about 1.5 years old. Birth control fail. I did not want a second for various reasons. DH was happy with 1 but would have respected whatever I chose. It has not affected me at all. I didn't mourn, I wasn't sad, I don't think about it. I'm thankful we live in a country where that option is available in a safe and secure environment.

This seems callous and disingenuous. You don’t even think about it? I have never met one person who has had one and never thinks about it.

Correct, I don't. I was and still am 100% confident in my decision. I'm not sure what there is to still think about 5 years later. Correction, the only time I think about it is when talks of abortion/women's rights come up, such as here. But then I think of it no differently than if someone was asking about having a minor surgery. I know there are some.people that think "oh if I didn't have the abortion x would be going off to K" or "I wonder how our lives would be different if I hadnt had an abortion" , but those thoughts have quite honestly never run through my head.

Everyone's experience is different. Perhaps I'm an outlier. But OP asked if anyone had had one and I gave my honest opinion.

I also find this callous. I am pro-choice and always have been. But the idea of aborting my child’s sibling is heart-wrenching to me.

You guys need to get a grip. I'm a totally new poster and I believe if I had an abortion it would linger in my mind but PP's experience is as valid as any others. We don't all have to be the same. Legal access to abortion doesn't come with a requirement that, 'if you do get one you need to feel really bad about it for the rest of your life.'

PP hasn't had 10 abortions, she had one, and it was the right decision and she hasn't regretted it and doesn't dwell on it. Good for her, that is literally why we fight for the right.

This. I had one at 18. I also "didn't think about it" because it was an obvious choice to me. I actually later struggled with a miscarriage, infertility, etc and it still didn't affect me, because I knew it was the right decision at the time. No need to make every woman feel as if she is a monster if she doesn't harbor extensive guilt for a very rational choice not to bring an unwanted child into the world.

[Anonymous]

Oh OP I am so sorry. With a divorce looming I kept my unexpected pregnancy, but I had a career and a husband who was on the hook for CS. I personally am not OK with abortion but in your case, I might consider it

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an abortion and how did it affect you? I'm pro-choice but now that it comes down to me making the decision, I'm scared of how that will affect me.

I had one when ds was about 1.5 years old. Birth control fail. I did not want a second for various reasons. DH was happy with 1 but would have respected whatever I chose. It has not affected me at all. I didn't mourn, I wasn't sad, I don't think about it. I'm thankful we live in a country where that option is available in a safe and secure environment.

This seems callous and disingenuous. You don’t even think about it? I have never met one person who has had one and never thinks about it.

DP, but I only think about mine when threads like this come up. It was the right decision. I agonized going in because I thought I might regret it or feel terrible about myself. Then I took the pill, was SWAMPED with relief, and have only felt relief (and also a slight sense of mission to comment in situations like this to reassure women in this position that they won't necessarily be wearing a hair shirt for life, if we're being honest) ever since.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the best advice I have ever heard on this topic.

https://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

This was wonderful to read. While it is about having a child, it’s such a nice way to look at any major decision in life. Thank you for posting it, PP.

[Anonymous]

OP I don’t have the experience that you do, but I am facing a future of raising 3 children by myself. I can tell you that you are stronger than you know. You can do this! Keeping the child will add a lot of love to your life.

[Anonymous]

No way. You are in a bad position already and you don't even know this man. It might work for 5 years but you will be divorced again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the best advice I have ever heard on this topic.

https://therumpus.net/2011/04/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-71-the-ghost-ship-that-didnt-carry-us/

This was wonderful to read. While it is about having a child, it’s such a nice way to look at any major decision in life. Thank you for posting it, PP.

This really is beautiful.