Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well, the pro-abortion folks are out in full force in this thread.

Op. I hope you have a few close friends you can share this with or if not, seek out a professional source of support to talk things over with. You know yourself and your situation best. If your reaction is to "feel blessed with a surprise baby and a second child" that is also a wonderful thing.

I wish you all the best. Not all good things in life are planned. The unexpected can be amazing

This.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have terminated immediately. You are 43. Who needs a 20 yr old at age 63!

This makes no sense. So you have an ADULT 20 year old at 63. What if you had a 20yo ADULT at 43? Seriously, what is the difference? It's not like you're 63 with a toddler.

I had my lil one at 43, and I also have adult children. I love being a mom again. My pregnancy was smooth. I'm so glad it happened. OP, I want to encourage you-yes, you are in a tough spot, but there could be a bright side. Please don't feel pressured to do anything you do not want to.

Of course it’s different to have a 20 year old at 63. OP is going through a divorce which has probably put a dent in her savings, and she may be raising kids well into her senior years even though she currently has no means to support herself or them. She will still be supporting her kids at an age when she should be saving everything for retirement. OTOH if you’re 43 with adult children, you have years to ramp up your retirement savings, and all the time and energy to focus on your work. I think she should prioritize herself and her existing child. Even though she will get child support for both kids, it will still be expensive. She will be a financially strapped single mom, and it’s doubtful that her boyfriend of 3 months will stick around to help her out in her old age.

I'll have a 20 year old when I'm 57. I am so much more prepared to guide that 20 year old at the age of 57 than I would have been at 37. I've had 20 more years of life experience under my belt. That is a good thing!

DP. That's a good thing if you're stable, financially and emotionally, and have support all around. OP doesn't have any of that, and she's getting up there in age.

OP, I don't want to scare you, or anything, but my SIL was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at 43. She died 4 years later and left two children behind. And she was married to a trust fund dude, so, at least, monetary side of the situation wasn't that tragic (although even the trust fund dude ended up with tons of medical bills), but imagine if she was single, with no family to speak of, and two preschoolers to take care of.

Life comes with no guarantees. That is true for all of us. I'm sure that your SIL took comfort in knowing that her two precious children still have each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have terminated immediately. You are 43. Who needs a 20 yr old at age 63!

OP has a 3 year old - it's not like she's starting over.

OP, if deep down in your soul you want this baby, keep the baby. At 43, this is probably your last chance to give your child a sibling, so I understand wanting to keep the baby in spite of the less-than-ideal circumstances. If you decide terminating is right for your little family, that's ok too.

This is how I feel. Those who are suggesting adoption are ignorant of the process if they don't think the father has input. He would have to agree to it, or she'd have to lie.

If OP decides to proceed she should keep her plan to go back to work. This is a new BF, not an established marriage and it's probably best to have some independence. I hear the dire red flag warnings but the guy is only moving fast because the situation did. FWIW, I had a similar scenario with a late age pregnancy and new partner and ten years later it is working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would have terminated immediately. You are 43. Who needs a 20 yr old at age 63!

I have 20 year old & am 64. I really don’t recommend it. Age is real unfortunately.

[Anonymous]

OP I wouldn’t count on a MC. You just had a baby 3 years ago.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you all again... bf has custody of his teenage daughter, his other children are grown and independent. He sees his children and provides financially so no worries there. I don't think he's a hobosexual (which that term made me laugh, thanks!) I'm still torn, I'm thinking this is the worst timing ever and I dont' want to be a struggling single mom... but I can't help wanting a sibling for my child and adding to my family...my parents are deceased and I have no family around and being blessed with this surprise baby seems unreal right now... waiting on my dr's appt. Thank you all for your advice-

Good luck, OP. It sounds like this new baby would bring lots of challenges but also that there's a lot that really draws you towards it. I don't think there's any right answer, just looking deep inside yourself and deciding whether the challenges seem worth it to you. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I'm sure you'll do fine either way. (And your boyfriend sounds like a good guy, although you're right to be cautious given how recently you've met him.) We're pulling for you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you all again... bf has custody of his teenage daughter, his other children are grown and independent. He sees his children and provides financially so no worries there. I don't think he's a hobosexual (which that term made me laugh, thanks!) I'm still torn, I'm thinking this is the worst timing ever and I dont' want to be a struggling single mom... but I can't help wanting a sibling for my child and adding to my family...my parents are deceased and I have no family around and being blessed with this surprise baby seems unreal right now... waiting on my dr's appt. Thank you all for your advice-

Good luck, OP. It sounds like this new baby would bring lots of challenges but also that there's a lot that really draws you towards it. I don't think there's any right answer, just looking deep inside yourself and deciding whether the challenges seem worth it to you. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and I'm sure you'll do fine either way. (And your boyfriend sounds like a good guy, although you're right to be cautious given how recently you've met him.) We're pulling for you!

I do agree that you shouldn't move in with your boyfriend until the baby's born at the earliest (at which point you'd have been dating a year) and only if it feels right at that point and there's no red flags. And that you need to plan to get a job rather than depend on the boyfriend-- in fact I'd suggest looking for work now to make sure you're able to get a job and start building up a recent job history. You could consider carrying the pregnancy to term in hopes you'll be able to figure out your financial/logistical situation by then but giving up the baby for adoption if it's not going to be doable (unless that's something you and/or boyfriend can't imagine doing) or on letting your boyfriend take primary custody if that's something he's open to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have terminated immediately. You are 43. Who needs a 20 yr old at age 63!

OP has a 3 year old. She’s already going to have a 20 year old when she’s 60. Having a second child who will be 20 when OP is 63 won’t be much different.

HAHAHAHA

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have terminated immediately. You are 43. Who needs a 20 yr old at age 63!

OP has a 3 year old. She’s already going to have a 20 year old when she’s 60. Having a second child who will be 20 when OP is 63 won’t be much different.

HAHAHAHA

What? There is very little difference between 60 and 63 unless something rather serious has happened to you during that span of 3 years.

I'm 54 with a 20 year old and I absolutely love having him around. When my youngest is 20, I'll be 57 and I'm sure I'll enjoy him just as much. Dh will turn 59 when our second is 20, I'm not seeing that being an issue at all.

[Anonymous]

OP says she is a SAHM with a 3 year old and that she has never worked. Why didn’t she work before she had her first child at age 40, and what makes her think she will be able to support herself or any children now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have terminated immediately. You are 43. Who needs a 20 yr old at age 63!

I have 20 year old & am 64. I really don’t recommend it. Age is real unfortunately.

You'd still be 64 even if you never had your 20 yo! I don't know about yours, but my 20-ish kids are super helpful.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you all so much for your support. I have decided to keep the baby. However I had my beta retested today and it's not doubling, barely rising. So it may be out of my hands anyway... I may post something about betas... but thank you all for your advice. I just kept imaging life with a second child and a sibling for my son and it just felt like a blessing and that I could work things out. So I scheduled with an OB and things aren't looking on track yet... of course now I feel guilty for the thoughts I had.... but thank you all again for your advice-

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you all so much for your support. I have decided to keep the baby. However I had my beta retested today and it's not doubling, barely rising. So it may be out of my hands anyway... I may post something about betas... but thank you all for your advice. I just kept imaging life with a second child and a sibling for my son and it just felt like a blessing and that I could work things out. So I scheduled with an OB and things aren't looking on track yet... of course now I feel guilty for the thoughts I had.... but thank you all again for your advice-

Thanks for the update. Good luck OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, thank you all so much for your support. I have decided to keep the baby. However I had my beta retested today and it's not doubling, barely rising. So it may be out of my hands anyway... I may post something about betas... but thank you all for your advice. I just kept imaging life with a second child and a sibling for my son and it just felt like a blessing and that I could work things out. So I scheduled with an OB and things aren't looking on track yet... of course now I feel guilty for the thoughts I had.... but thank you all again for your advice-

Hugs, op. There’s a website called betabase.info where you can compare your betas and doubling time. I’m sorry you’re going through this and am wishing for the best for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would have terminated immediately. You are 43. Who needs a 20 yr old at age 63!

OP has a 3 year old. She’s already going to have a 20 year old when she’s 60. Having a second child who will be 20 when OP is 63 won’t be much different.

HAHAHAHA

What? There is very little difference between 60 and 63 unless something rather serious has happened to you during that span of 3 years.

I'm 54 with a 20 year old and I absolutely love having him around. When my youngest is 20, I'll be 57 and I'm sure I'll enjoy him just as much. Dh will turn 59 when our second is 20, I'm not seeing that being an issue at all.

There is a massive difference between one kid and two , especially when you are older