Single and unexpectedly pregnant at 43

[Anonymous]

Why would your BF move in with you and pay child support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why would your BF move in with you and pay child support?

I think because the bf is the father of this baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an abortion and how did it affect you? I'm pro-choice but now that it comes down to me making the decision, I'm scared of how that will affect me.

I had one when ds was about 1.5 years old. Birth control fail. I did not want a second for various reasons. DH was happy with 1 but would have respected whatever I chose. It has not affected me at all. I didn't mourn, I wasn't sad, I don't think about it. I'm thankful we live in a country where that option is available in a safe and secure environment.

This seems callous and disingenuous. You don’t even think about it? I have never met one person who has had one and never thinks about it.

[Anonymous]

Op, I think that things happen for a reason. While you certainly would never have planned things to work out like this, you now have the opportunity to give your child a close in age sibling. At the age of 43, I don't know that you can count on ever having that opportunity again.

Your boyfriend sounds like a decent enough guy who wants to be involved in his child's life and supportive of you. While I think that it's early for you to move in with him especially with your 3 year old, by the time the new baby comes you'll know him better and you can decide then whether or not you should share a place with him.

The biggest obstacle is going to be finding a job with very little work history. But that obstacle is going to be there whether you have a baby or not. I would start looking now.

What does your STBX think of all of this? Or does he know, yet?

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t have the baby. You’re not in the right place and it would cause you too much stress figuring out how to provide for another child. I don’t mean to sound harsh, but you can’t live off child support and alimony forever. You will eventually needs a means of supporting yourself and another child is not at all conducive to that goal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, I think that things happen for a reason. While you certainly would never have planned things to work out like this, you now have the opportunity to give your child a close in age sibling. At the age of 43, I don't know that you can count on ever having that opportunity again.

Your boyfriend sounds like a decent enough guy who wants to be involved in his child's life and supportive of you. While I think that it's early for you to move in with him especially with your 3 year old, by the time the new baby comes you'll know him better and you can decide then whether or not you should share a place with him.

The biggest obstacle is going to be finding a job with very little work history. But that obstacle is going to be there whether you have a baby or not. I would start looking now.

What does your STBX think of all of this? Or does he know, yet?

Not good advice IMO. Looking for a job with a preschooler is one thing. Looking for a job with a preschooler and an infant who needs daycare/a nanny is a much more significant obstacle. Not just in terms of difficultly but cost. OP’s entry-level job isn’t going to leave her much to live on even with child support.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for the bf of 3 months, he must be scared sh*tless!
OP, don’t have that baby. You will be fine if you abort, sooner or later. Or maybe you will live with regret but it won’t be real, it will only be in your head if you know what I mean.

However if you bring the baby into your now more or less manageable situation, it will quickly turn it into a mess.
I had to find a job after staying home for 6 years. The hardest part was overcoming the inertia of not having to go to work. I see so many instances of women having babies just to avoid facing the need to go out and get a job. They are in intact marriages but they are digging themselves deep; you are in a more precarious situation so you will dig yourself even deeper.
I am 43 and separated but fortunately never had to face that choice. I can’t imagine adding even the smallest extra concern into the situation I am in now. I am exhausted by parenting over the week as well as most weekends and working full time, even though I have a great commute, some flexibility, and an older child who at least doesn’t require childcare when school is out for a day or two.
But the worst of all, having multiple young kids will make you extremely vulnerable. I can’t imagine you are even considering it!
Good luck in whatever you decide. You will be fine and will get by on CS from both men even in the worst case scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an abortion and how did it affect you? I'm pro-choice but now that it comes down to me making the decision, I'm scared of how that will affect me.

I had one when ds was about 1.5 years old. Birth control fail. I did not want a second for various reasons. DH was happy with 1 but would have respected whatever I chose. It has not affected me at all. I didn't mourn, I wasn't sad, I don't think about it. I'm thankful we live in a country where that option is available in a safe and secure environment.

This seems callous and disingenuous. You don’t even think about it? I have never met one person who has had one and never thinks about it.

Correct, I don't. I was and still am 100% confident in my decision. I'm not sure what there is to still think about 5 years later. Correction, the only time I think about it is when talks of abortion/women's rights come up, such as here. But then I think of it no differently than if someone was asking about having a minor surgery. I know there are some.people that think "oh if I didn't have the abortion x would be going off to K" or "I wonder how our lives would be different if I hadnt had an abortion" , but those thoughts have quite honestly never run through my head.

Everyone's experience is different. Perhaps I'm an outlier. But OP asked if anyone had had one and I gave my honest opinion.

[Anonymous]

When will people realize that needing ART for earlier children does not preclude future pregnancy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an abortion and how did it affect you? I'm pro-choice but now that it comes down to me making the decision, I'm scared of how that will affect me.

I had one when ds was about 1.5 years old. Birth control fail. I did not want a second for various reasons. DH was happy with 1 but would have respected whatever I chose. It has not affected me at all. I didn't mourn, I wasn't sad, I don't think about it. I'm thankful we live in a country where that option is available in a safe and secure environment.

This seems callous and disingenuous. You don’t even think about it? I have never met one person who has had one and never thinks about it.

Correct, I don't. I was and still am 100% confident in my decision. I'm not sure what there is to still think about 5 years later. Correction, the only time I think about it is when talks of abortion/women's rights come up, such as here. But then I think of it no differently than if someone was asking about having a minor surgery. I know there are some.people that think "oh if I didn't have the abortion x would be going off to K" or "I wonder how our lives would be different if I hadnt had an abortion" , but those thoughts have quite honestly never run through my head.

Everyone's experience is different. Perhaps I'm an outlier. But OP asked if anyone had had one and I gave my honest opinion.

I also find this callous. I am pro-choice and always have been. But the idea of aborting my child’s sibling is heart-wrenching to me.

[Anonymous]

You just accept the fact that it will not be easy for the next few years while you get yourself on your feet but that baby will be worth the sacrifices you make. You are fortunate to have two involved fathers in your children's lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel bad for the bf of 3 months, he must be scared sh*tless!
OP, don’t have that baby. You will be fine if you abort, sooner or later. Or maybe you will live with regret but it won’t be real, it will only be in your head if you know what I mean.

However if you bring the baby into your now more or less manageable situation, it will quickly turn it into a mess.
I had to find a job after staying home for 6 years. The hardest part was overcoming the inertia of not having to go to work. I see so many instances of women having babies just to avoid facing the need to go out and get a job. They are in intact marriages but they are digging themselves deep; you are in a more precarious situation so you will dig yourself even deeper.
I am 43 and separated but fortunately never had to face that choice. I can’t imagine adding even the smallest extra concern into the situation I am in now. I am exhausted by parenting over the week as well as most weekends and working full time, even though I have a great commute, some flexibility, and an older child who at least doesn’t require childcare when school is out for a day or two.
But the worst of all, having multiple young kids will make you extremely vulnerable. I can’t imagine you are even considering it!
Good luck in whatever you decide. You will be fine and will get by on CS from both men even in the worst case scenario.

My own kids are a little under 2 1/2 years apart and I will admit that the first year in particular was HARD - and I was a SAHM. But Op's kids would be closer to 4 years apart. My own 4 year olds were pretty darned reasonable and K wouldn't be that far off for the oldest. I think Op can do it if she sets her mind to it.

[Anonymous]

What's the situation with the boyfriend? Does he have other children? A good job? Age?

Don't move in with him but it's important to know the above in figuring out how much support he could provide.

Do you actually want another child? This is the most important, and this is probably your last chance to have one, so take that into consideration too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Has anyone had an abortion and how did it affect you? I'm pro-choice but now that it comes down to me making the decision, I'm scared of how that will affect me.

I had one when ds was about 1.5 years old. Birth control fail. I did not want a second for various reasons. DH was happy with 1 but would have respected whatever I chose. It has not affected me at all. I didn't mourn, I wasn't sad, I don't think about it. I'm thankful we live in a country where that option is available in a safe and secure environment.

This seems callous and disingenuous. You don’t even think about it? I have never met one person who has had one and never thinks about it.

Correct, I don't. I was and still am 100% confident in my decision. I'm not sure what there is to still think about 5 years later. Correction, the only time I think about it is when talks of abortion/women's rights come up, such as here. But then I think of it no differently than if someone was asking about having a minor surgery. I know there are some.people that think "oh if I didn't have the abortion x would be going off to K" or "I wonder how our lives would be different if I hadnt had an abortion" , but those thoughts have quite honestly never run through my head.

Everyone's experience is different. Perhaps I'm an outlier. But OP asked if anyone had had one and I gave my honest opinion.

I also find this callous. I am pro-choice and always have been. But the idea of aborting my child’s sibling is heart-wrenching to me.

I also had an abortion, though it was before my children were born. I thought about it before they were born and felt regret. However, all of that evaporated once my children were born and I understood what parenthood entailed. I have zero regret now and I'm confident that I made the right decision. Having a baby is difficult under the best of circumstances and it would have been a horrible decision to continue the unwanted pregnancy. If I needed an abortion later in life, I can see myself feeling the same way.

[Anonymous]

First of all congrats, if you like to keep the baby, if not, condolences. I would be worried about health insurance if you are to keep the baby. Since you are a SAHM, I assume you are on soon to be XH's policy?
Either way, I know it all sounds terrible now, but I am sure you will handle it and do what you think the best. You are already thinking that new boyfriend is just a new thing in your life, think of your child and all the upheaval and how to make it secure for your 3 year old. Either way, trust in yourself and that you will be fine doing it all on your own.