Reply to Husband/Wife stuck deciding to stay or separate

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I got divorced six years ago because we grew apart. I am now remarried and so much happier. My wife is also remarried and very happy. We have two kids and they are doing great. We both remarried people our age who didn't have kids prior and had no desire to have kids. [b]My kids are 10 and 13.[/b] They have four parents that truly love them and are on their side. We are 50/50 custody, so that always helps, too. We all also go out to dinner together as a blended family once a month. Things can be fine, as long as all the adults put the kids first. [/quote]

My parents got divorced when my sibling and I were 3 and 7 and ended up in a situation that sounds very similar to yours.  We handled it as best we could as kids, but we are both still dealing with the grief of our parents' divorce 30 years later.  It is still a constant part of who were are.  Having to figure out how to fairly share holidays between our parents and non-divorced inlaws, visits with grandkids, visits to see them in different states, eldercare, etc.  We will never be done dealing with the repercussions of our parents' divorce.

Even amicable splits where everyone is (mostly) acting like grownups can have long-lasting consequences for children.  I'm not anti-divorce in all situations, but it makes me crazy when I heard adults say kids are resilient and will be fine.  My parents thought and continue to think we are fine, too.  We are not.[/quote]

I don't mean to sound callous but if you are "not fine" 30 years after your parents divorce than either they did something wrong or you are currently doing something wrong.

It's long past time to have moved part the effects of an amicable divorce.

I am the child in an extremely acrimonious divorce who does encounter the annoyances you describe but I can't imagine thinking im not fine as a 35 year old happily married mom myself. It is what it is and it has been for decades.[/quote]

I mean, we "are fine" in the sense that we are functioning adults with good careers and our own happy families.  We don't sit around crying about our parents' divorce every day.  My point is there are long-lasting negative ripple effects of divorce for children long after they are grown, even if that marriage did not necessarily involve a nasty divorce.  I'm very glad you are not personally experiencing them, but I encourage you to have some compassion for those who are.  Especially when that perspective is being shared for the benefit of someone asking for opinions in weighing making this potential momentous decision for their own family.[/quote]

Yes this.  I was young too and it is still complicated.  I got used a pawn for many years in their disputes.  They both remarried, I bonded deeply with step parents and step/half siblings, and then more divorce.  Rinse and repeat with more dysfunctional relationships.  [/quote]

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