Help! What do you do when a crazy narcissist escalates?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have been avoiding her and going no contact. We started off just declining every request politely and then started blocking her on the kid devices and not responding to emails. We did not block her from DH or my phone but we do not call her back or respond to her texts. She and another relative play the main point of assistance for DH's grandmother so we did not want to completely block her number from our devices in case something happened to grandma.

We lived several states away until a year ago. One of the reasons that we wanted to move out here was to be closer to DH's extended family. We wanted to be able to go to all the events. She has really ruined this for my entire family which sucks. There were other reasons why we moved here so we can focus on those. We enjoy spending time with MIL and SIL so its not as if we have to isolate from everyone. Its just a bummer that we now have such apprehension about any of the large family gatherings solely because of her. I wanted to find a way to civilly co-exist and enjoy the rest of the family without giving into her unreasonable demands and craziness.

DH's grandmother is very old, late 90s. I really do not want to avoid events where grandma will be because of the crazy aunt. I am worried that in the future she will show up at grandma's house during one of our one on one visits to engage in some crazy tirade. I want my kids to spend as much time with grandma before she passes. If grandma wasn't in the picture then we would just avoid any situation where we she would be.

It is freaking me out how obsessed she is with my kids. If she wasn't so hyper focused on getting access to them and freaking them out I really would not care whether she ranted and raved or whatever. I am very tough at work. I have never had any problem dealing with difficult people or pushing off bullies in my personal or professional life. I'm usually pretty fearless. When my kids are a target, its an entirely different situation.

The next possible times when we would have to see her is if she crashes one our visits to grandma or Thanksgiving. We will avoid everything else. Grandma asked us to host it again this year but I think we will have to decline and just go on vacation somewhere instead because of crazy aunt.

Let MIL and SIL know that you’re relying on them to pass along info about grandma if any news needs to be shared. Then you can block her completely. Send her emails to a special folder. Then go no contact for real instead of making excuses to keep her around. It’s not fun but neither is what you’re doing now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. We have been avoiding her and going no contact. We started off just declining every request politely and then started blocking her on the kid devices and not responding to emails. We did not block her from DH or my phone but we do not call her back or respond to her texts. She and another relative play the main point of assistance for DH's grandmother so we did not want to completely block her number from our devices in case something happened to grandma.

We lived several states away until a year ago. One of the reasons that we wanted to move out here was to be closer to DH's extended family. We wanted to be able to go to all the events. She has really ruined this for my entire family which sucks. There were other reasons why we moved here so we can focus on those. We enjoy spending time with MIL and SIL so its not as if we have to isolate from everyone. Its just a bummer that we now have such apprehension about any of the large family gatherings solely because of her. I wanted to find a way to civilly co-exist and enjoy the rest of the family without giving into her unreasonable demands and craziness.

DH's grandmother is very old, late 90s. I really do not want to avoid events where grandma will be because of the crazy aunt. I am worried that in the future she will show up at grandma's house during one of our one on one visits to engage in some crazy tirade. I want my kids to spend as much time with grandma before she passes. If grandma wasn't in the picture then we would just avoid any situation where we she would be.

It is freaking me out how obsessed she is with my kids. If she wasn't so hyper focused on getting access to them and freaking them out I really would not care whether she ranted and raved or whatever. I am very tough at work. I have never had any problem dealing with difficult people or pushing off bullies in my personal or professional life. I'm usually pretty fearless. When my kids are a target, its an entirely different situation.

The next possible times when we would have to see her is if she crashes one our visits to grandma or Thanksgiving. We will avoid everything else. Grandma asked us to host it again this year but I think we will have to decline and just go on vacation somewhere instead because of crazy aunt.

Let MIL and SIL know that you’re relying on them to pass along info about grandma if any news needs to be shared. Then you can block her completely. Send her emails to a special folder. Then go no contact for real instead of making excuses to keep her around. It’s not fun but neither is what you’re doing now.

Yeah, there are other people to keep you informed about grandma. Regardless, YOU don't need to be in contact with her AT ALL. If DH doesn't want to block her, that's his business, but you can block her number and email.

[Anonymous]

Other people can tell you about your grandmother.

Go total no contact.

Save her emails.

The end.

[Anonymous]

NP. Is anyone concerned that the aunt is vilifying OP and seems to think that if OP weren’t around, she’d have no problem? I’d be worried she may escalate to thinking of violence against OP.

OP, what exactly does she want from your kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Sorry for posting so much on this thread. I don't know if this matters or not but she seems to be focusing all her rage on me and ignoring DH. DH was the one who told her to stop and has declined as many times as I have and used the exact same language as I do each time. She sent the email just to me not both of us. She wrote out in all caps that he is her nephew and she has known him longer than me. Its just bizarre.

She's targeting you because she knows it gets to you.

All you can really do is limit contact as much as possible. If she shows up somewhere and goes on a tirade, grab your family and your things, ignore her and tell the others you have to go now. And I'd make it clear to your kids that while you aren't sure what's wrong with Aunt Larla, they should not be in contact with her either.

[Anonymous]

If anything else happens I’d consider seeking a restraining order

[Anonymous]

You can’t disengage because you won’t disengage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Is anyone concerned that the aunt is vilifying OP and seems to think that if OP weren’t around, she’d have no problem? I’d be worried she may escalate to thinking of violence against OP.

OP, what exactly does she want from your kids?

Contacting police has been suggested in the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

At this point you must be a troll. You've posted multiple times before. If you're not a troll, your aunt is simply harassing you and your family and it's time to be direct and forceful. Tell her that you will file a restraining order if she comes near you or attempts to contact you, period. Never see her again. Make it known that you will not go to events if she's there, and that you will leave if you come and see her at an event. No more niceties.

She's not a troll. She's dealing with a borderline or narcissist. She's posted here so many times because one symptom of dealing with these kinds of people is utter confusion, so that's why OP keeps posting here. When people behave in ways that go so far outside what seems to be normal, you start to question yourself. Especially if other relatives have developed their own coping techniques that involve minimization, concessions, or denials.

NP. This is an outstanding explanation of what PP is dealing with. Narcissists are so far off the wall you really question your own perspective because they are so sure of themselves and surround themselves with enablers.

[Anonymous]

OP back again. We have been no contact for 6+weeks which has been wonderful. Its a bummer that we can not host Thanksgiving because we enjoy doing it with everyone else. Since there is no way to not invite her, we decided to travel instead and skip the extended Thanksgiving this year.

She has resurfaced and I think is hoovering now. She texted DH asking if the kids were playing with this used toy that they got from her at a family white elephant game over a year ago. She wanted him to contact her if they were not using it, so she basically wants it back. It was either sent to Goodwill or is in the garage. It has a value of around $10 so not an expensive piece of equipment or anything. DH did not respond to her. We don't want to engage her. Even if its in the garage, we don't want to then get stuck meeting her to drop it off. If we say the kids are using it then she will demand to come use it with the kids. If we tell her we gave it away she will act outraged, claim is costs hundreds of dollars and then act as we are obligated to make this up to her. It was a piece of junk that she gave away at a white elephant game. The next day she texted him demanding to know if we were hosting and to immediately text her. DH is not going to respond. She doesn't need to know whether or why we are not hosting now in Sept. This normally gets sorted out in late October anyway. We will confirm with Grandma that we are not hosting. She doesn't need to be a go between.

For the posters who have dealt with narcissists, this is out first encounter with one, do they ever just get tired and go away? Is there any hope that in another year we can resume doing family activities and just be civil with her or she is always going to be after us in some way? We enjoy being around everyone else but its not worth dealing with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again. We have been no contact for 6+weeks which has been wonderful. Its a bummer that we can not host Thanksgiving because we enjoy doing it with everyone else. Since there is no way to not invite her, we decided to travel instead and skip the extended Thanksgiving this year.

She has resurfaced and I think is hoovering now. She texted DH asking if the kids were playing with this used toy that they got from her at a family white elephant game over a year ago. She wanted him to contact her if they were not using it, so she basically wants it back. It was either sent to Goodwill or is in the garage. It has a value of around $10 so not an expensive piece of equipment or anything. DH did not respond to her. We don't want to engage her. Even if its in the garage, we don't want to then get stuck meeting her to drop it off. If we say the kids are using it then she will demand to come use it with the kids. If we tell her we gave it away she will act outraged, claim is costs hundreds of dollars and then act as we are obligated to make this up to her. It was a piece of junk that she gave away at a white elephant game. The next day she texted him demanding to know if we were hosting and to immediately text her. DH is not going to respond. She doesn't need to know whether or why we are not hosting now in Sept. This normally gets sorted out in late October anyway. We will confirm with Grandma that we are not hosting. She doesn't need to be a go between.

For the posters who have dealt with narcissists, this is out first encounter with one, do they ever just get tired and go away? Is there any hope that in another year we can resume doing family activities and just be civil with her or she is always going to be after us in some way? We enjoy being around everyone else but its not worth dealing with her.

I’m a NP. I married into a family with similar dynamics it took me about 10yrs to learn how to effectively deal with it. There are a couple mistakes you are making... one is completely ignoring her- it adds fuel to the flames. You do need to respond to her, but in the shortest, most direct way, with no explanations, no questions, no details. Give her nothing to respond to. Establish boundaries when necessary by making simple and very clear requests, with no long explanations, no blame, no nothing.

In the future, be civil, be polite, and share nothing about your life. No information, no details, nothing about your family. It can and will be used against you. Stick with benign topics like weather, plants, traffic, etc.

When she starts trying to draw you into a conflict- establish boundaries. “I prefer not to discuss this with you. Please don’t bring it up.” At first it will seem unnatural. You’ll feel compelled to explain your side. Do not fall into this trap. In fact, at times, accept blame if necessary. Simply-by saying, something like “yes you’re right, I’m sorry.” The end.

Good luck op! You will need it! But I have a calm civil relationship with my MIL now and ironclad boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again. We have been no contact for 6+weeks which has been wonderful. Its a bummer that we can not host Thanksgiving because we enjoy doing it with everyone else. Since there is no way to not invite her, we decided to travel instead and skip the extended Thanksgiving this year.

She has resurfaced and I think is hoovering now. She texted DH asking if the kids were playing with this used toy that they got from her at a family white elephant game over a year ago. She wanted him to contact her if they were not using it, so she basically wants it back. It was either sent to Goodwill or is in the garage. It has a value of around $10 so not an expensive piece of equipment or anything. DH did not respond to her. We don't want to engage her. Even if its in the garage, we don't want to then get stuck meeting her to drop it off. If we say the kids are using it then she will demand to come use it with the kids. If we tell her we gave it away she will act outraged, claim is costs hundreds of dollars and then act as we are obligated to make this up to her. It was a piece of junk that she gave away at a white elephant game. The next day she texted him demanding to know if we were hosting and to immediately text her. DH is not going to respond. She doesn't need to know whether or why we are not hosting now in Sept. This normally gets sorted out in late October anyway. We will confirm with Grandma that we are not hosting. She doesn't need to be a go between.

For the posters who have dealt with narcissists, this is out first encounter with one, do they ever just get tired and go away? Is there any hope that in another year we can resume doing family activities and just be civil with her or she is always going to be after us in some way? We enjoy being around everyone else but its not worth dealing with her.

My experience is that it never ends. Eventually they get bored and bother someone else, but when the opportunity arises, it’s almost impossible for them not to jump back in. And it took years for it to be a single text and no follow up. I think sometimes they just get bored sometimes and go through their contact list sending random texts to people trying to stir up some drama. For example, my sister and I (and our families including kids) had to cut off my parents. They’ll send out of the blue texts to a handful of cousins asking if they want some sentimental items, post some nostalgic FB thing about family, send me a card, and text my kids that they hope I’m treating them well. This stirs up drama because everyone starts being on edge waiting to see if my mom is about to do something crazy, someone will have hurt feelings that they didn’t get any outreach, others are annoyed that they did, and there’s just a lot of uneasiness and discomfort. Then we might not hear anything from them for 2 weeks or 6 months. I never go anywhere they might be. I can’t trust that events can be pleasant around my parents.

There’s always a ton of background info that is too much to type. The aunt in your situation does similar things as my mom. They hold onto things for years and I’ve seen them hold onto a grudge or perceived slight for years, and randomly lash out years after everyone thought it was water under the bridge (not always in obvious ways, sometimes just to remind people they still exist). For example, once my mom found out someone she disliked (don’t even remember why) opened a restaurant. They had one of those fishbowls where you drop in your card for a chance to win a lunch for your office or something. So my mom had a big group go in and put in their cards (mom owns a business with her name in the title). She told my dad that night that it was a great idea because if she did win, free lunch and she’d probably leave a bad review somewhere, and if she didn’t win, there’s no way the person she didn’t like would not notice all the cards from her office entered and it would keep her on her toes. Who TF thinks like that? And my dad was agreeing and laughing, saying things like “that’ll show her.” You can’t reason with crazy people like that, or people who ask for kid’s toys back after giving them as gifts years prior. Best to stay away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP back again. We have been no contact for 6+weeks which has been wonderful. Its a bummer that we can not host Thanksgiving because we enjoy doing it with everyone else. Since there is no way to not invite her, we decided to travel instead and skip the extended Thanksgiving this year.

She has resurfaced and I think is hoovering now. She texted DH asking if the kids were playing with this used toy that they got from her at a family white elephant game over a year ago. She wanted him to contact her if they were not using it, so she basically wants it back. It was either sent to Goodwill or is in the garage. It has a value of around $10 so not an expensive piece of equipment or anything. DH did not respond to her. We don't want to engage her. Even if its in the garage, we don't want to then get stuck meeting her to drop it off. If we say the kids are using it then she will demand to come use it with the kids. If we tell her we gave it away she will act outraged, claim is costs hundreds of dollars and then act as we are obligated to make this up to her. It was a piece of junk that she gave away at a white elephant game. The next day she texted him demanding to know if we were hosting and to immediately text her. DH is not going to respond. She doesn't need to know whether or why we are not hosting now in Sept. This normally gets sorted out in late October anyway. We will confirm with Grandma that we are not hosting. She doesn't need to be a go between.

For the posters who have dealt with narcissists, this is out first encounter with one, do they ever just get tired and go away? Is there any hope that in another year we can resume doing family activities and just be civil with her or she is always going to be after us in some way? We enjoy being around everyone else but its not worth dealing with her.

I’m a NP. I married into a family with similar dynamics it took me about 10yrs to learn how to effectively deal with it. There are a couple mistakes you are making... one is completely ignoring her- it adds fuel to the flames. You do need to respond to her, but in the shortest, most direct way, with no explanations, no questions, no details. Give her nothing to respond to. Establish boundaries when necessary by making simple and very clear requests, with no long explanations, no blame, no nothing.

In the future, be civil, be polite, and share nothing about your life. No information, no details, nothing about your family. It can and will be used against you. Stick with benign topics like weather, plants, traffic, etc.

When she starts trying to draw you into a conflict- establish boundaries. “I prefer not to discuss this with you. Please don’t bring it up.” At first it will seem unnatural. You’ll feel compelled to explain your side. Do not fall into this trap. In fact, at times, accept blame if necessary. Simply-by saying, something like “yes you’re right, I’m sorry.” The end.

Good luck op! You will need it! But I have a calm civil relationship with my MIL now and ironclad boundaries.

Also to add, it really helps to have your DH on the same page and have some savvy in this regard. When you first establish boundaries, expect some lash back initially. Either through your DH or other family members. You can mostly ignore that stuff, and have your DH and family members not engage. Also expect to keep repeating yourself. Be consistent. She will get the message eventually.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP back again. We have been no contact for 6+weeks which has been wonderful. Its a bummer that we can not host Thanksgiving because we enjoy doing it with everyone else. Since there is no way to not invite her, we decided to travel instead and skip the extended Thanksgiving this year.

She has resurfaced and I think is hoovering now. She texted DH asking if the kids were playing with this used toy that they got from her at a family white elephant game over a year ago. She wanted him to contact her if they were not using it, so she basically wants it back. It was either sent to Goodwill or is in the garage. It has a value of around $10 so not an expensive piece of equipment or anything. DH did not respond to her. We don't want to engage her. Even if its in the garage, we don't want to then get stuck meeting her to drop it off. If we say the kids are using it then she will demand to come use it with the kids. If we tell her we gave it away she will act outraged, claim is costs hundreds of dollars and then act as we are obligated to make this up to her. It was a piece of junk that she gave away at a white elephant game. The next day she texted him demanding to know if we were hosting and to immediately text her. DH is not going to respond. She doesn't need to know whether or why we are not hosting now in Sept. This normally gets sorted out in late October anyway. We will confirm with Grandma that we are not hosting. She doesn't need to be a go between.

For the posters who have dealt with narcissists, this is out first encounter with one, do they ever just get tired and go away? Is there any hope that in another year we can resume doing family activities and just be civil with her or she is always going to be after us in some way? We enjoy being around everyone else but its not worth dealing with her.

It's an untreated mental illness, so it will never end until she dies. I don't know why you're so triggered by her attempts to contact you. Just ignore them. If she says your relative is dying, and you have to call now to get her dying words, you ignore (and perhaps discreetly call someone else). But you never, ever contact this insane person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
OP,

At this point you must be a troll. You've posted multiple times before. If you're not a troll, your aunt is simply harassing you and your family and it's time to be direct and forceful. Tell her that you will file a restraining order if she comes near you or attempts to contact you, period. Never see her again. Make it known that you will not go to events if she's there, and that you will leave if you come and see her at an event. No more niceties.

She's not a troll. She's dealing with a borderline or narcissist. She's posted here so many times because one symptom of dealing with these kinds of people is utter confusion, so that's why OP keeps posting here. When people behave in ways that go so far outside what seems to be normal, you start to question yourself. Especially if other relatives have developed their own coping techniques that involve minimization, concessions, or denials.

NP. This is an outstanding explanation of what PP is dealing with. Narcissists are so far off the wall you really question your own perspective because they are so sure of themselves and surround themselves with enablers.

No, I think I've dealt with narcissists and that's why I know you have to go nuclear. Go nuclear.