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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP back again. We have been no contact for 6+weeks which has been wonderful. Its a bummer that we can not host Thanksgiving because we enjoy doing it with everyone else. Since there is no way to not invite her, we decided to travel instead and skip the extended Thanksgiving this year.

She has resurfaced and I think is hoovering now. She texted DH asking if the kids were playing with this used toy that they got from her at a family white elephant game over a year ago. She wanted him to contact her if they were not using it, so she basically wants it back. It was either sent to Goodwill or is in the garage. It has a value of around $10 so not an expensive piece of equipment or anything. DH did not respond to her. We don't want to engage her. Even if its in the garage, we don't want to then get stuck meeting her to drop it off.  If we say the kids are using it then she will demand to come use it with the kids. If we tell her we gave it away she will act outraged, claim is costs hundreds of dollars and then act as we are obligated to make this up to her. It was a piece of junk that she gave away at a white elephant game. The next day she texted him demanding to know if we were hosting and to immediately text her. DH is not going to respond. She doesn't need to know whether or why we are not hosting now in Sept. This normally gets sorted out in late October anyway. We will confirm with Grandma that we are not hosting. She doesn't need to be a go between.

For the posters who have dealt with narcissists, this is out first encounter with one, do they ever just get tired and go away? Is there any hope that in another year we can resume doing family activities and just be civil with her or she is always going to be after us in some way? We enjoy being around everyone else but its not worth dealing with her. [/quote]

I’m a NP. I married into a family with similar dynamics it took me about 10yrs to learn how to effectively deal with it. There are a couple mistakes you are making... one is completely ignoring her- it adds fuel to the flames. You do need to respond to her, but in the shortest, most direct way, with no explanations, no questions, no details. Give her nothing to respond to.  Establish boundaries when necessary by making simple and very clear requests, with no long explanations, no blame, no nothing.

In the future, be civil, be polite, and share nothing about your life. No information, no details, nothing about your family. It can and will be used against you.  Stick with benign topics like weather, plants, traffic, etc.

When she starts trying to draw you into a conflict- establish boundaries. “I prefer not to discuss this with you. Please don’t bring it up.” At first it will seem unnatural. You’ll feel compelled to explain your side. Do not fall into this trap. In fact, at times, accept blame if necessary. Simply-by saying, something like “yes you’re right, I’m sorry.” The end.

Good luck op! You will need it! But I have a calm civil relationship with my MIL now and ironclad boundaries.[/quote]

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