Baby-related chores when DH is in leave

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are picking this fight. Use the dishwasher. And washing pump parts and bottles should not take a long time. Five minutes, tops. Fill the sink with hot soapy water, drop them in, go do something else, come back later and rinse. I guarantee they will be clean enough.

You would think it doesn’t take a long time, but a full day of bottles and pump parts does take a while. I guess I am just a super b who picks unnecessary fights and should just quit pumping. I thought I was a sleep deprived parent with minimal downtime and limited problem solving ability due to the sleep deprivation who was hoping to get some ideas on how to deal with a problem (hey, I couldn’t even figure out the dishwasher logistics without help, and I do appreciate it). I thought I was just a parent who is envious of her spouse’s downtime and trying to figure out how to navigate those feelings, and a mom who is scaling back pumping slowly to prevent another bout of mastitis and to help avoid weaning-related depression. But apparently I just suck. Thanks to all who confirmed that for me. Don’t worry; your loathing for me is nothing compared to my self-loathing.

Woooow apparently you’re also a drama queen who loves to play the victim. Your poor DH. Would love to hear his side now.

Yes, I agree with you. I also have PPD so, believe me, I agree with you fully that I’m horrible.

[Anonymous]

We know, as an established fact, that men on the whole do not do their fair share of household work. Not unreasonable to assume that this is also true in OP's case.

OP, you are not crazy, he should not sit around and watch you doing household chores, there's no reason he can't just figure this out and handle it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are picking this fight. Use the dishwasher. And washing pump parts and bottles should not take a long time. Five minutes, tops. Fill the sink with hot soapy water, drop them in, go do something else, come back later and rinse. I guarantee they will be clean enough.

You would think it doesn’t take a long time, but a full day of bottles and pump parts does take a while. I guess I am just a super b who picks unnecessary fights and should just quit pumping. I thought I was a sleep deprived parent with minimal downtime and limited problem solving ability due to the sleep deprivation who was hoping to get some ideas on how to deal with a problem (hey, I couldn’t even figure out the dishwasher logistics without help, and I do appreciate it). I thought I was just a parent who is envious of her spouse’s downtime and trying to figure out how to navigate those feelings, and a mom who is scaling back pumping slowly to prevent another bout of mastitis and to help avoid weaning-related depression. But apparently I just suck. Thanks to all who confirmed that for me. Don’t worry; your loathing for me is nothing compared to my self-loathing.

I am saying this kindly because I understand how difficult things are for you right now, but if this is an example of how you communicate your displeasure to your husband (you mentioned a lack of diplomacy), I understand why your requests for help lead to arguments. You may not like how pp phrased it, but it's a valid opinion with real advice (i.e., maybe you don't need to wait for a dishwasher cycle).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As mentioned, we do have a lot of parts/bottles, but of course they have to be washed at some point. Sounds like the dishwasher is the way to go; that should work as long as DH runs the regular stuff during the day (since our dishwasher is typicslly full already), one of us unloads it in the evening, and then I can run it another time overnight. I’m guessing most of you have better dishwashers than we do, since our stuff generally needs a pre-dishwasher rinse to get really clean. Maybe it’s time for a new one.

No one thinks we should split up this task in the evenings? Under this scenario I assume I’m still the one dealing with the bottles/pump parts, although I hope the dishwasher will cut back on the time. Oh well.

No. Your husband has been with the three month old all day. You put the parts in the dishwasher and grab the dry ones in the AM. And if the excuse now is your dishwasher is old, then replace it. And if you need more room. Switch to paper plates/cups until the baby moves to solids. Look for solutions not problems.

And you handling the pump/bottle parts doesn’t mean you also do the cooking, cleaning up, bath, bedtime, overnight feedings all be. Those are shared chores.

Btw you mentioned that when your husband offers to wash the parts, if it’s not done after you’ve showered you just do it. Why? Why are you not letting him finish it after he’s done relaxing before going to bed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have kids about the same age (well, the same gap, but now a year on), so I totally understand the tension! Here is my perspective:
1- I agree with PPs that you should get more pump parts and bottle parts so that you never have to stay up to make sure they get a turn through the dishwasher.
2- Recognize that being at home with the baby is draining (even if it's also lovely), so be empathetic that he may want some downtime at night after bedtime (I certainly do, and I'm not even home with my kids anymore!)
3- That said, you need to chat with him about how to streamline the "home shift," preferably sometime when neither of you are in a big rush or cranky. Maybe the solution is to run the dishwasher 2x/day, or get your 3yr old plates that can go in the bottom rack, or for you to take one task after bedtime (e.g., the dishes) while he takes the other (cleaning up the food all over your kitchen, if your kids are like mine lol), and if he wants to do his shift after you go to bed, that's fine! In our house, I would put all the pump parts in the dishwasher, and DH would empty the dishwasher in the AM while I was feeding the baby. I do most of bedtime while DH gets a headstart on cleaning up after dinner. Point is, it doesn't matter what division of labor you choose, just that you need to be clear about what you need, and you guys need to come up with a plan.
4- Try your best to remember that probably 85% of all tension and annoyance and the rest comes from the fact that you are tired. Two young kids are HARD, especially when they aren't doing their nights. So try to be kind to one another (this is advice I need to remind myself to take too--it's hard, good luck!)

OP here—thanks for this. It’s good to hear this perspective from a year out. Trying to remember that this is just a hard time. And thanks for the practical tips on how we might problem solve.

[Anonymous]

I EPed for a year and truly, buying extras of everything(flanges, bottles etc) worked the best for me. You can also get the medela no rinse wipes to wipe the flanges down if you are too tired to wash them. I refrigerated the plastic parts of the pump so that I would only have to wash it once a day. I hand washed most of the baby bottles (use the medela bottle wash and really hot water, it really is the best to remove all the fatty breastmilk deposits and will cut down the time taken). It is a tough time but try not to do a tally sheet, it won't get you anywhere because when your DH does it, you will feel like he didn't do a good enough job and then you need to step in/do it all over again. This time will pass!

[Anonymous]

I'm also confused why DH is doing a 10pm bottle feed while you do a 10pm pump. Just nurse then and save a bottle and pump parts, and time!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I EPed for a year and truly, buying extras of everything(flanges, bottles etc) worked the best for me. You can also get the medela no rinse wipes to wipe the flanges down if you are too tired to wash them. I refrigerated the plastic parts of the pump so that I would only have to wash it once a day. I hand washed most of the baby bottles (use the medela bottle wash and really hot water, it really is the best to remove all the fatty breastmilk deposits and will cut down the time taken). It is a tough time but try not to do a tally sheet, it won't get you anywhere because when your DH does it, you will feel like he didn't do a good enough job and then you need to step in/do it all over again. This time will pass!

Thanks. I think the “time will pass” reassurance is what I need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand. My DH stayed home for a month and I still ended up doing the dishes, groceries, cooking, etc. while he played with older sibling. He doesn't know how to let the kids play and explore solo while he does chores. In addition to buying extra bottles and parts, I switched to Corelle dishes which take less space in the dishwasher. I have dishwasher baskets that let me stack two layers of bottle pumps on top of each other. I also figured out which top rack stuff can go into the bottom rack.

Thanks for this. If you’re still around, any suggestions on what can go on the bottom rack. I think I posted this in the wrong forum; maybe more folks in Expectant/Postpartum or Infants/Toddlers remember this time.

We have Re-Play plastic dishes for our toddler that survive our bottom rack. Also, it takes me a while to do the dishes (Dr. Browns bottles), so while I'm doing the dishes DH is on 100% kid duty so I can listen to the radio or an audiobook and get a mental break during that time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. As mentioned, we do have a lot of parts/bottles, but of course they have to be washed at some point. Sounds like the dishwasher is the way to go; that should work as long as DH runs the regular stuff during the day (since our dishwasher is typicslly full already), one of us unloads it in the evening, and then I can run it another time overnight. I’m guessing most of you have better dishwashers than we do, since our stuff generally needs a pre-dishwasher rinse to get really clean. Maybe it’s time for a new one.

No one thinks we should split up this task in the evenings? Under this scenario I assume I’m still the one dealing with the bottles/pump parts, although I hope the dishwasher will cut back on the time. Oh well.

*Of course* you should split up tasks. That's not a question to me--and you've got to get that through to DH. Try setting things up so your bottles and parts get washed during the day in the dishwasher, then you always have clean parts available. That was how we did it, rotating three sets, I believe.

Remind DH that you're still dealing with the night wakeups and that your body is still working extra hard making milk. Flat out ask (or tell) him that you need x and y changes so you can take a break too.

Do it now before you feel even worse. I developed PPD after I went back to work.

Also, DH can be the one to handle sleep training when the time comes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are picking this fight. Use the dishwasher. And washing pump parts and bottles should not take a long time. Five minutes, tops. Fill the sink with hot soapy water, drop them in, go do something else, come back later and rinse. I guarantee they will be clean enough.

You would think it doesn’t take a long time, but a full day of bottles and pump parts does take a while. I guess I am just a super b who picks unnecessary fights and should just quit pumping. I thought I was a sleep deprived parent with minimal downtime and limited problem solving ability due to the sleep deprivation who was hoping to get some ideas on how to deal with a problem (hey, I couldn’t even figure out the dishwasher logistics without help, and I do appreciate it). I thought I was just a parent who is envious of her spouse’s downtime and trying to figure out how to navigate those feelings, and a mom who is scaling back pumping slowly to prevent another bout of mastitis and to help avoid weaning-related depression. But apparently I just suck. Thanks to all who confirmed that for me. Don’t worry; your loathing for me is nothing compared to my self-loathing.

I am saying this kindly because I understand how difficult things are for you right now, but if this is an example of how you communicate your displeasure to your husband (you mentioned a lack of diplomacy), I understand why your requests for help lead to arguments. You may not like how pp phrased it, but it's a valid opinion with real advice (i.e., maybe you don't need to wait for a dishwasher cycle).

OP here—you’re right, it wasn’t a fair response to this PP in particular. It was more a reaction to previous posters. Apologies to PP.

I don’t think the above represents how I communicate with my DH. Have you ever posted something on DCUM that resulted in multiple attacks? It doesn’t feel great. I wish I had the wherewithal to ignore them, but I’m feeling a little frayed. I would guess that most peoples’ responses to unpleasant posters are quite different than their interactions in real life. That said, I am getting treatment for PPD and I am genuinely feeling very negative about myself. So that probably comes out in my interactions with my husband. (By the way, I don’t recommend posting about PPD here; people will tear you apart.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand. My DH stayed home for a month and I still ended up doing the dishes, groceries, cooking, etc. while he played with older sibling. He doesn't know how to let the kids play and explore solo while he does chores. In addition to buying extra bottles and parts, I switched to Corelle dishes which take less space in the dishwasher. I have dishwasher baskets that let me stack two layers of bottle pumps on top of each other. I also figured out which top rack stuff can go into the bottom rack.

Thanks for this. If you’re still around, any suggestions on what can go on the bottom rack. I think I posted this in the wrong forum; maybe more folks in Expectant/Postpartum or Infants/Toddlers remember this time.

We have Re-Play plastic dishes for our toddler that survive our bottom rack. Also, it takes me a while to do the dishes (Dr. Browns bottles), so while I'm doing the dishes DH is on 100% kid duty so I can listen to the radio or an audiobook and get a mental break during that time.

Thanks! Sounds like you are handling bottles while the kids are up. That’s something we could try. I have pretty limited time with the baby now so I’ve been waiting to tackle chores after bedtime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think you are picking this fight. Use the dishwasher. And washing pump parts and bottles should not take a long time. Five minutes, tops. Fill the sink with hot soapy water, drop them in, go do something else, come back later and rinse. I guarantee they will be clean enough.

You would think it doesn’t take a long time, but a full day of bottles and pump parts does take a while. I guess I am just a super b who picks unnecessary fights and should just quit pumping. I thought I was a sleep deprived parent with minimal downtime and limited problem solving ability due to the sleep deprivation who was hoping to get some ideas on how to deal with a problem (hey, I couldn’t even figure out the dishwasher logistics without help, and I do appreciate it). I thought I was just a parent who is envious of her spouse’s downtime and trying to figure out how to navigate those feelings, and a mom who is scaling back pumping slowly to prevent another bout of mastitis and to help avoid weaning-related depression. But apparently I just suck. Thanks to all who confirmed that for me. Don’t worry; your loathing for me is nothing compared to my self-loathing.

Woooow apparently you’re also a drama queen who loves to play the victim. Your poor DH. Would love to hear his side now.

Yes, I agree with you. I also have PPD so, believe me, I agree with you fully that I’m horrible.

Wait, you already have PPD?

Dude, your DH needs to be picking up the slack so you can rest and sleep.
That was pretty much an order from my OB and therapist when I was diagnosed.

Simplify as much as you can--but also DH needs to realize that your health comes before his downtime. Once you're in a better place, then you can figure out how to share breaks better.

I'm so sorry--PPD sucks. I have been there. It does get better.

[Anonymous]

Another poster with similar kid age gap, about a year ahead of you. PPs have already given the best advice, so I'll just echo it and tell you it works - more pump parts!!!

I don't know the pump set-up you have at work, but I quickly realized it was easier to wash everything at work and let them dry overnight in the lactation room (in a big tupperware loosely covered with napkin), than to bring them home and deal with the passive-aggressive standoff of "who's gonna clean the bottles". My DH wasn't on parental leave at all, he just wasn't super helpful.

Good luck with the PPD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I understand. My DH stayed home for a month and I still ended up doing the dishes, groceries, cooking, etc. while he played with older sibling. He doesn't know how to let the kids play and explore solo while he does chores. In addition to buying extra bottles and parts, I switched to Corelle dishes which take less space in the dishwasher. I have dishwasher baskets that let me stack two layers of bottle pumps on top of each other. I also figured out which top rack stuff can go into the bottom rack.

Thanks for this. If you’re still around, any suggestions on what can go on the bottom rack. I think I posted this in the wrong forum; maybe more folks in Expectant/Postpartum or Infants/Toddlers remember this time.

We have Re-Play plastic dishes for our toddler that survive our bottom rack. Also, it takes me a while to do the dishes (Dr. Browns bottles), so while I'm doing the dishes DH is on 100% kid duty so I can listen to the radio or an audiobook and get a mental break during that time.

Thanks! Sounds like you are handling bottles while the kids are up. That’s something we could try. I have pretty limited time with the baby now so I’ve been waiting to tackle chores after bedtime.

Our kids don't go to sleep until 930ish, so if we wait to do chores until after bedtime we become zombies. The good news is that they sleep until 7am, so we can easily get up before them and load/unload dishwasher before they wake up. I figured out that I can shower and do hair and makeup with my baby in a bouncy chair or lying on my bed while I sing and talk to him. I have also gotten good at cooking with a baby in the carrier, so I'm multitasking while hanging out. My second baby is a much faster nurser than my first was and this frees up more time, too (YMMV). We allow up to 20 mins screentime in the morning for our older child. You both need to do whatever it takes to get sleep and remain sane. I agree with whichever PP suggested DH tackling sleep training when your baby is ready.